Radar:

Famed civil rights attorney Gloria Allred will be in a Boston area courtroom Wednesday in an attempt to unseal the sworn testimony given by Republican Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, in a prior court case…

The emergency hearing will take place at the Norfolk Probate & Family Court in Canton, Massachusetts, and Justice Jennifer Ulwick will oversee the proceedings which will begin at 9 a.m. EST.

Daily Mail:

Donald Trump is to claim that he has unearthed divorce papers of Michelle Obama and the President, according to a respected financial pundit with links to the tycoon.

It is alleged that the eccentric real estate mogul will claim that the documents show the First Lady and the President were at one point in their two decades of marriage seriously considering splitting up.

If you’ve been considering throwing your television out a tenth-floor window, this might be a good moment.

“Horses and bayonets both remain vital parts of the U.S. arsenal.” —Tucker Carlson’s Daily Caller, shoveling as fast as it can.

Well, you know, Wally, I got very nervous, you know, and I said: “Well, what is a beehive?” He said: “Well, a beehive is at eight o’clock a hundred strangers come into a room.” And I said: “Yes?” And he said: “Yes, and whatever happens is a beehive.” And I said: “Yes, but what am I supposed to do?” He said: “That’s up to you.”

Horses and Bayonets [Tumblr]

America has spoken: Rowdy debates are a lot more fun than Dignified Discourse On the Pressing Issues of the Day. And as we nuke our popcorn in preparation for tonight’s Preznidential Debate Open Thread/Closed Fists, we have just one thought: An empty chair is no good unless thrown.

So we’re in Riverside Saturday night for an art opening (next door to the museum where Our Beloved Hamster was photographed), and after everybody’s done celebrating The Artist (and — ahem — his Book Designer, whom The Artist christened “Norwegian Jim” many years ago, which was quickly shortened to “Nojo”), the crew heads down the block to the Mission Inn, a swanky pile that was the destination back in the day when Angelinos took the train east to feel good about their wealth.

We’ve gotten shitfaced at the Mission Inn before, but it had been a dozen years, and we completely forgot about the exclusive Presidential Lounge, where, it is told, if you take in more than you can handle, Richard Nixon’s eyes start following you around the room.

Title: “Land of the Pilgrims’ Pride”

Authors: Callista Gingrich and Susan Arciero

Rank: 59

Blurb: “In the New York Times bestseller, Sweet Land of Liberty, Ellis the Elephant sets off on a quest to find out how America became a free and exceptional nation. Now Ellis is back and ready to learn about the birth of our great nation in Land of the Pilgrims’ Pride.”

Review: “Anyone with an unrealistic fantasy about what information a child’s book should contain should return to their county of origin. Where, they can feel more comfortable with the large amount of child abuse and neglect present in society.”

Customers Also Bought: “America : A Patriotic Primer” by Lynne Cheney, “Dubs Goes to Washington: And Discovers the Greatness of America” by Dick Morris, “The Children’s Book of Heroes” by William J. Bennett, “Can’t Wait Till Christmas” by Mike Huckabee, and “Kids Are Americans Too” by Bill O’Reilly.

Footnote: Give me a child until he is seven and I will give you a lifetime of therapy.

Land of the Pilgrims’ Pride [Amazon]

Buy or Die [Stinque@Amazon Kickback Link]

We’d like implore you to take a few minutes out of your busy day and listen to this caller to a local North Dakota radio show. Listen closely as this grown woman expresses her disgust that government employees would install deer crossings on major thoroughfares instead of somewhere safe.

Go ahead. We’ll wait.

Now, multiply this by some 220 million voting-age Americans. Who, by the way, are going to decide your fate in seventeen days. It’s a miracle that Our Exceptional Nation can even wipe its collective ass.

[via Know Your Meme]