Our guest columnist is the nation’s second-greatest non-marching marching band.

Announcer: Ladies and steers, welcome to the first halftime show not to be broadcast on the Longhorn TV network. Presenting the Show Band of South Main, the Rice University Marching Owl Band!

Music: (drum intro)

MOB: “Go Rice!”

Field Action: Band enters the field from the sidelines.

Formation: S E C

Announcer: After decades of saying “goodbye” to “Texas University,” the Aggies. Finally. Left. Yes, it’s official. As of eight o’clock central daylight time, A&M announced its intent to join Satan’s Evil Conference. We congratulate the SEC and the Big Twelve, as both conferences improve their average IQ.

Formation: $ E C

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Streets are almost empty, shops are closed down
There’s not a soul left in the bar to tell my troubles to
Think I’ll walk down to the river that runs just south of town
I hate like hell when there ain’t nothin’ left to do
But stand beneath the river bridge and listen for the train
It’s been a long hot summer, not a drop of rain

I broke down in December
I headed for the coast
I thought the wind and water would elevate my mind
I surfaced in the springtime feelin’ like a ghost
Missin’ more than ever the things I left behind
Now I’m standin’ on this riverbank and still cannot explain
It’s been a long hot summer, not a drop of rain

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Funny how the voice-over guy mispronounces “Lamborghini” – and the only way that the otherwise-impressive Lamborghini Miura would hit 190 mph is if you dropped it out of a plane.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RtFZv8MVQ4k

Simpler than my beloved North Jersey Onionburger:

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After offending anyone with a conscience by paying respect to a series of slightly manipulated My Little Pony clips, we now seek penance by offering an entirely manipulated Jonny Quest opening — now in glorious stop-motion!

It’s been awhile since we listened to the theme music, and we had completely forgotten how completely fucking bitchin’ it is — courtesy of composer Hoyt Curtin, also responsible for The Flintstones and The Jetsons.

What we didn’t know is that like The Flintstones and The Jetsons, Jonny Quest started as a prime-time series — which might explain the extra care taken with the theme.

Of course, none of this has anything to do with today’s Great National Holiday. Then again, neither does anything else.

Jonny Quest Fan Page [via Comics Alliance]

Title: “In My Time: A Personal and Political Memoir”

Author: Dick Cheney

Rank: 3

Blurb: “In his unmistakable voice and with an insider’s eye on history, former Vice President Dick Cheney tells the story of his life and the nearly four decades he has spent at the center of American politics and power.”

Review: “To those just here to grind axes against Cheney, give it a rest. If you haven’t read the book and you’re presuming to review it then you’re as dishonest, and as one reviewer called Mr. Cheney ‘vindictive,’ as you accuse him of being — based on nothing other than the comic book version of Cheney you’ve been spoon-fed by Democratic boogeymen merchants who always need a boogeyman to keep the Democratic base whipped up — whether it’s Cheney, Palin, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, the Tea Party, the Koch Brothers and laughably now even John Boehner and Paul Ryan, and on and on.”

Customers Also Bought: “Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far”, by Bristol Palin

Footnote: Not to be confused with “In My Time” by Yanni.

In My Time [Fuck Amazon]

The news came out earlier this week that in July an iPhone 5 prototype was allegedly “lost” at a San Francisco tequila bar in the Mission District.  While the more cynical among us may have figured the story was a publicity stunt pulled by Apple, the story has now taken a rather disturbing turn.

SF Weekly, one of the alternative weekly papers here, broke the news yesterday that indicates Steve Jobs may have left at a good time, because the company has stepped in to a big pile of dog shit, and has pulled the San Francisco Police Department into the poo.

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