Texas is Forgiven

Our guest columnist is the nation’s second-greatest non-marching marching band.

Announcer: Ladies and steers, welcome to the first halftime show not to be broadcast on the Longhorn TV network. Presenting the Show Band of South Main, the Rice University Marching Owl Band!

Music: (drum intro)

MOB: “Go Rice!”

Field Action: Band enters the field from the sidelines.

Formation: S E C

Announcer: After decades of saying “goodbye” to “Texas University,” the Aggies. Finally. Left. Yes, it’s official. As of eight o’clock central daylight time, A&M announced its intent to join Satan’s Evil Conference. We congratulate the SEC and the Big Twelve, as both conferences improve their average IQ.

Formation: $ E C

Field Action: Satan conjures a ticket to the SEC, which appears oddly in the form of a teenage love note. Satan approaches a UT player with a ticket to the SEC, but Texas rebuffs him. Baylor begs Satan for an opportunity, but Satan doesn’t see that relationship lasting (“B*tch, please.”). On the rebound, Satan finds the Aggies (doing something simple and repetitive) and figures he’s got an easy score; intrigued, A&M accepts the invitation and skips off into the sunset, hand in hand.

Announcer: Speaking of Aggies, there’s Texas Governor – A&M alumnus – Rick Perry. He looks like he needs a little direction. Okay, God, tell him. [long pause]

No? All right, everyone, let’s try this: Simon says, touch your ear.

MOB: All touch their ear.

Announcer: Simon says, jump up and down.

MOB: All jump up and down while touching their ear.

Announcer: Now run for President!

Field Action: Rick Perry lookalike dashes toward a Barack Obama lookalike.

Announcer: Nuh-uh! Simon didn’t say!

So, the next time you go to the polls, ask yourself: Is your candidate smarter than an Aggie?

MOB Script Arhive [Rice, via Raw Story]

Football is so foreign to me (a sport that is the exact opposite of what its name would seem to imply). I’ve been reading about this story, but not entirely sure of its significance. Anyone want to provide me with the “for dummies” explanation?

Many years ago, Rice (the state’s version of Stanford/Harvard) competed in the Southwest Conference against A&M and UT, whom they used as their whipping boy. Arkansas left the SWC for the SEC, hastening the collapse of the SWC (A&M and Texas left for the Big 12, leaving the smaller private colleges in the lurch). Now A&M’s impending departure will cause a disruption in the Big 12.

Apparently the SEC is the place to be, with money flowing from fountains and whatnot. Rice, having Ivy League aspirations, responded to the news in true Harvard-like fashion. Not quite as racy as the infamous “Yale-Vassar” halftime show that got them banned from ABC, but a bit more cerebral than usual.

The only Aggie I ever worked with I wanted to punch in the face after two months.

To those who know Tejas, is this a normal feeling?

I find it utterly bizarre that there’s the “Big 12” (which now has 10 members, 9 when A&M leaves) and the “Big 10” (which now has – get this – TWELVE members). Can’t they just switch names or something?

@ManchuCandidate: It took you two months? That long? In other words, yes.

@al2o3cr: Along those lines, will “Pac-16” really roll off the tongue next year?

I didn’t work with him on a regular basis.

What is in the water at A&M that makes Aggies so… arrogant without any reason to be?

@al2o3cr: Like our students don’t have enough trouble with math already.

@SanFranLefty: I’m still adjusting to “Pac-10”. Fucking Arizona interlopers.

@ManchuCandidate: Everything at A&M is about “tradition.” And you never buck tradition, no matter how moronic it may be. If you’re meek enough to drink this flavor of Kool-Aid, you’re also going to swallow the conservative lean of the faculty and the overwhelming culture. And don’t get me started on the Aggie Corps.

Yikes. That is… um… quite…er… a skule.

I went to a university full of tradition (Scots Tradition), but no one told me what I could and couldn’t do. No one made me wear a kilt, carry a caber or force me to play the bagpipes (thankfully.)

If I wanted to live a life that regimented and close minded I would have gone to RMC (Canada City’s answer to West Point.) At least I would be able to get my frustrations out on the target range or in combat.

It’s going to be sport posts like this for a while, isn’t it?

@nojo: If you’re from Texas, you tend to overlook the Stoopid Governor jokes.

@nojo: I caught it, but it would have been better as a ballet parody or something. Opera. Maybe opera.

Just my opinion.

@Tommmcatt Be Fat, And That Be That: Well, baseball playoffs are around the corner, college football (the one that counts) has begun, college basketball (don’t get me started on those lazy fucks in the NBA) starts in December. So, yeah.

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