My pal Queenslegal took the photo:

Poodles have all the answers.

“Former Pennsylvania Gov. Ed Rendell said on Monday he doesn’t believe Hillary Clinton is ready to retire from public life and the possibility of someday becoming the first female president ‘would probably be too much for her to resist.'” [Politico]

Our guest columnist is a fucking asshole.

Dear Fellow Conservative,

I’m Senator Mike Lee. When I defeated a three-term incumbent last year it struck me; it’s not enough to be a Republican. It’s not enough to call yourself a Conservative. We need to elect people who understand the United States Constitution and are willing to put everything on the line to defend it.

Every time the government acts it does so at the expense of our liberty.

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The Results We’ve All Been Waiting For:

U.S. Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.): 4,823 votes!
U.S. Rep. Ron Paul (R-Texas): 4,671 votes
Former Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty: 2,293 votes
Former U.S. Senator Rick Santorum (R-Pa.): 1,657 votes
Former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain: 1,456 votes
Texas Governor Rick Perry: 718 votes
Former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney: 567 votes
Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich: 385 votes
Former Utah governor Jon Huntsman: 69 votes
U.S. Rep Thad McCotter (R-Mich. and Stinque fave): 35 votes

Total votes cast: 16,674!

Clearly this is a Very Important Vote and Michele Bachmann’s overwhelming win – by 152 votes – is historic.

However, at $30 per vote ticket the event seems to have grossed $500,220. By comparison the total votes of the Iowa Straw Poll represent approximately one playing week of Spiderman: The Musical: Turn Off the Dark: WTF? at the Foxwoods Theatre, seating capacity of 1,932, which grossed this week $1.9M.

From which I deduce that crappy musicals are more profitable than crappy politics; Bachmann is a winner; Paul is a loser; Romney is cheap; and Jon Huntsman should know better.

Forget everything you know about Rick Perry.

Including the things that frighten the shit out of you.

Congratulations! You’re now a Typical American Voter.

By reputation, Perry is the Teabagger From Hell, the one candidate with the ability to inspire the base and not scare off everybody else. He’s Shrub Redux, the idiot Texas governor with whom you’d enjoy sharing a pint while he drives the country off a cliff. He could win.

Or so we’re told.

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The folks at Funny or Die share with us what really happened at Michele Bachmann’s recent Newsweek photo shoot.