ONE HUNDRED PERCENT STRAIGHT.

The Daily Caller, home to all things bright and beautiful, just posted this piece about how the gheys have become like totally boring since they got a few civil rights and stuff. They were like so fun with their disco fans and Donna Summer and poppers and shit. But like now? You can’t even drive along Collins Ave with the top down screaming ‘Faggot!’ without some of the boys getting all riled up and pounding on your ass. And those boys are big. And muscly. And sweaty.

Speaking of which do you have any idea what it’s like trying to walk around Dupont Circle when you’re wearing your new Wrangler skinny jeans which are like awesome the way they hug your butt and like make your basket a real ‘case’ (lol) when all the old bald gheys keep scoping you out on account of how you totally look like a bottom? Even though you’re one hundred percent straight. ONE HUNDRED PERCENT. That five o’clock shadow only took a week to grow. I’m more or less a bear. Or otter. Whatever. Jake Gyllenhall is so dreamy. Le sigh.

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“The 38-year-old man lost the $1,500 grey device between 11 a.m. on Nov. 2 and 1 a.m. on Nov. 3 during which time he visited a Regal Entertainment movie theater at 106 Court St. and returned to his temporary Cobble Hill home on Warren Street, according to police.” [via Gothamist]

Our guest columnist was not given an opportunity to pre-approve our alt-tag.

Well my-my-my. So this is what it’s like up here. Fancy. Goodness, they have snacks. It’s a pity about the terrible burlwood coffee table, though. One might guess it’s supposed to complement the editor’s birkensock ensemble, though some might characterize the effect as more faint praise.

But I digress. What, you may ask, has prompted this post? While I cannot speak to Nojo’s lamentable lapse in judgment in giving me the keys to the castle, however briefly, I’d like to point your attention to a confluence of recent events which has given me pause. To whit:

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Title: “Rush Revere and the Brave Pilgrims: Time-Travel Adventures with Exceptional Americans”

Author: Rush Limbaugh

Rank: 1

Blurb: “Hold on to your pointy triangle hats, because you can — with me, Rush Revere, seemingly ordinary substitute history teacher, as your tour guide across time! ‘How?’ you ask? Well, there’s this portal. And a horse. My talking horse named Liberty. And — well, just trust me, I’ll get us there.”

Review: “Rush and Liberty travel back into time and use a Smartphone to capture live videos of historical events as they happen, which they show their students as they happen.”

Customers Also Bought: “Dubs Runs for President” by Dick Morris

Footnote: Give us Mr. Peabody, or give us death.

Rush Revere and the Brave Pilgrims [Amazon]

Buy or Die [Stinque@Amazon Kickback Link]

Yoda defeats Lord Vader yet again:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2amDcPX210s

Title: “Doctor Sleep”

Author: Stephen King

Rank: 17

Blurb: “Stephen King returns to the character and territory of one of his most popular novels ever, The Shining, in this instantly riveting novel about the now middle-aged Dan Torrance and the very special twelve-year-old girl he must save from a tribe of murderous paranormals. ”

Review: “I liked the book very much except, the part where dan exhaled the cancer onto the true knot members. Too much john coffeyish.”

Customers Also Bought: “Carrie (Movie Tie-in Edition)”

Footnote: We didn’t truly appreciate Kubrick’s genius until reading The Shining after seeing the movie. Stephen King’s famous resentment of the adaptation is that of Salieri towards Mozart.

Doctor Sleep [Amazon]

Buy or Die [Stinque@Amazon Kickback Link]

Title: “The Circle”

Author: Dave Eggers

Rank: 23

Blurb: “When Mae Holland is hired to work for the Circle, the world’s most powerful internet company, she feels she’s been given the opportunity of a lifetime. The Circle, run out of a sprawling California campus, links users’ personal emails, social media, banking, and purchasing with their universal operating system, resulting in one online identity and a new age of civility and transparency.”

Review: “Should be required reading in junior high if they can get past the sex scenes.”

Customers Also Bought: “Fear of Flying” by Erica Jong

Footnote: The Circle is being pitched as the 1984 of social media, written by a 43-year-old who grew up in a simpler time when all we had to worry about were credit cards tracking our every purchase. We’re all for extrapolitive caricature, but we can’t help smelling the freshly cut lawn of a premature fogey. Besides, Big Brother wasn’t opt-in.

The Circle [Amazon]

Buy or Die [Stinque@Amazon Kickback Link]