The Gorgon’s Lament

gorgonOur guest columnist was not given an opportunity to pre-approve our alt-tag.

Well my-my-my. So this is what it’s like up here. Fancy. Goodness, they have snacks. It’s a pity about the terrible burlwood coffee table, though. One might guess it’s supposed to complement the editor’s birkensock ensemble, though some might characterize the effect as more faint praise.

But I digress. What, you may ask, has prompted this post? While I cannot speak to Nojo’s lamentable lapse in judgment in giving me the keys to the castle, however briefly, I’d like to point your attention to a confluence of recent events which has given me pause. To whit:

  • A mayoral candidate, having fallen from grace as a congressman due to several ill-conceived texts involving his schwanzstucker, manages to fall yet again into the same mud – in the process blaming everyone but himself for his own gross overindulgence.
  • A United States senator, caught lifting huge sections of public material word-for-word for use in speeches and published material, almost all without attribution of any kind, points the finger at his critics. Unaware of the irony, he calls anyone with the temerity to notice a hack.
  • To the north, in the land of the gentle canuk, a sitting mayor confronted with incontrovertible evidence of his own use of a terribly addictive (and, might I add, disappointingly short-acting) drug, shrugs it off with a simple “So what? I was shit-faced at the time.”

…and, as the French say, ca ira. Our teen idols piss in mop buckets and scream drunkenly at pictures of ex-presidents. America’s sweetheart performs an act on national television marked not so much by shocking over-the-top naughtiness as it was by informed by the kind of grotty tastelessness that makes an exhibitionist masturbate in public. An Indian-American is crowned Miss America and is confronted by baboon-like howls of racism from the intertoobez at large. And on and on and on…

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m a man of the earth, believe me, and as, you well know, am no stranger to the crass. Scatology, in my opinion, was the blague première of Adam, and if they don’t laugh when you say “Ass” it’s because you haven’t said it loudly or often enough. Also, Filipino boy butt, yum. But a Baby Ruth masquerading as a turd is only funny in context, and the outrageous is like a fart at a church picnic – only noticeable if it isn’t done next to the garlic potatoes.

Perhaps I’m getting old, but haven’t we coarsened dramatically over the past ten years? Monica’s spattered dress seems quaint in comparison to the endless parade of Paula Deens and Brian Fishers and saints-preserve-us Ted Cruz-ez-es. We can impugn Weiner’s judgment, sure, but at this point which Jane or Jack America can impugn his taste?

Has the internet, with its fisting porn on demand and two-girls-one-cup sensibility coarsened our culture? Have we lost the ability to be shocked because we’ve been slapped so many times? When did a tweet suddenly count as discourse?

I leave you with this brief interlude from the inestimable Kander and Ebb:

Talk amongst yourselves while I get myself back down to the comments section.

If I can figure out which one of these groovy bead-curtain doorways leads to the stairs.


Welp, Gov. Flintstone won handily in The State That Smells Like Sulfur, while no one knows if Virginia is gonna get The Coochie yet. But the Big Story is about two big men in Miami, one of whom is actually being bullied. I would think a well-placed forearm shiver would be the solution for Mr. Incognito, instead of, well, going incognito.

And who would have predicted that Colorado would try to secede before Texas?

Thank god teabaggers detest Christie, or he might be our next preznident. He’s all but announcing his candidacy right now.

Meanwhile, I gotta ‘splain to my friends why the draconian Voter ID laws are no bueno. It’s probably a coincidence that everyone arguing in favor of the laws are pinkish in color, since they don’t have forebears who had to pass literacy tests or pay a poll tax for the privilege.

@matador1015: Or said friends don’t have vaginas, because what I’ve heard in snippets from my progressive buddies in the 512 and 210 is that the ladies are going to be fucked when trying to vote in Tejas. Haven’t had the time to independently verify.

@nojo: Jon Huntsman plus 150 pounds. Plus a nasty attitude.

@Tommmcatt Says Get Off My Damn Lawn: BTW, is this a one-off, or are you jumping above the fold, so to speak in ye olde schoole newspapere lingoe?

Mr. SFL just told me he wrote my name in for the race against the incumbent unopposed Ess Eff City Attorney. Weirdly it’s not registering on the Board of Elections website/tally.

@SanFranLefty: Yes, Suffragists have been dealt a setback in Texas.

Here’s the deal: Your photo ID is your driver’s license. And the name on your license has to match your voter registration.

The catch? Texas licenses are formatted First Maiden Last for married wimmen. So you’re forced to use a provisional ballot. It’s already tripping up the laydeez, including a local judge.

Wrong on Wrong: That’s the Texas Way.

@nojo: That would apply to my mom: [First] [Her Dad’s Last Name] [My Dad’s Last Name] is her Texas driver’s license.

Her voter registration: [First] [Middle] [My Dad’s Last Name]

[INTERLUDE /add: I do believe that how Texas DPS [aka DMV] and the voter registration folks did it was so long as first and last mostly matched, you could vote.]

Her passport: [First] [Middle] [Her Dad’s Last Name] [no hyphen] [My Dad’s Last Name]

Jesus Fucking [middle, last or maiden name?] H. Christ

/Meanwhile, can we discuss the Legalese Term of Art of “maiden name”? What the fuck is that about?

/Meanwhile 2, how could any sentient woman in the future ever change her last name upon marriage?

Yep, the good ole boys in Texas love their women like they love their cattle. Presumably in that order.

If someone raised an initiative making it mandatory to vote (á la Australia), then you’d have the sight of Teabaggers protesting for their right NOT to vote, as veterans of the Civil Rights movement slowly shake their heads.


I do believe that how Texas DPS [aka DMV] and the voter registration folks did it was so long as first and last mostly matched, you could vote.

Of course – and one suspects that the more “unheartlandishly-hued” one is, the less flexibility there will be in that “mostly”.

@SanFranLefty: No plans to mKe the leap for now, but I may submit again if the spirit moves me. Who can say?

@matador1015: Meanwhile, one can only hope that teabaggers take Michael Savage’s advice and don’t get flu shots because they’re a government conspiracy and said baggers all get nice and sick.

I say that we find a big, played-out open pit mine, have all the teabaggers move into it (call it secession, they’ll buy it), put a lid over it, maybe put Henry Kissinger in there for chum, call it Pigfuckistan, last teabagger standing gets a reality show on Fox.

@SanFranLefty: I count at least one instance from my FB of someone asked to produce two IDs under the “Maiden Name” statue. (Surprise! She’s African-American.) I also have both males and females arguing with me over how great it is to produce an ID in order to vote, how anyone can get an ID, dead people voting, blah blah blah.

I have to find out of the Dems are running anyone in the next election to replace Greg “Dickhead” Abbott as attorney general. He enacted the Voter ID legislation so fast after the SCOTUS decision, the bill had skid marks all over it.

ETA: Holy crap.

@SanFranLefty: Let’s hope they never use any nanny-state helmets or seat belts either. They can just brace themselves with their muskets if it looks like they’re gonna be in a crash.

P.S. What if I wanna take my hubby’s last name? What’s the dude’s version of a maiden name called?

In addition to just being all-around gross, I have it on good authority that Rob Ford shot Canada in the back. Video to follow.

@Dodgerblue: Is Henry Kissenger still alive? Of everyone that should be dead, he is the shouldist.

@ Tommy: Guess I opened myself up to that one. Badomching!

@Tommmcatt Says Get Off My Damn Lawn: Kissinger and Cheney take turns strangling kittens for their vitality.

Sen Wendy Davis wisely inserted an amendment to the voter ID law that would allow voters with “substantially similar names” on their id and on the voter rolls to sign an affidavit of identity. Thus, Attorney General Greg Abbott was allowed to cast a ballot rather than a provisional ballot (verification required within 6 days of election or ballot is tossed). Potentially embarrassing for the republican ag as his id didnot match his registration card.
My 83 year old Mother who worked at the polls for 38 years signed one at early voting and voted on a ballot. Wendy saved her day. Mom will have to put different name on registration card to match drivers license. Time to renew them anyway.

Former Speaker of the House Jim Wright, was turned away at DMV while trying to get a voter id. 91 years old, license expired as well as passport. Required to come back the next day with birth certificate. Voted.
Reports of thousands of affidavits signed. But this wasn’t a big election for offices. 2014 may be a different story.

Coarsened? It’s more than one thing, in my opinion. Ten years ago we might not have had Weiner’s weiner or Rob Ford. Back then, to steal Dan Savage’s phrase, very few had a portable porn/photography studio in their back pocket.

And I also think the Idiocracy has gone exponential. Ron Paul spoke the truth every 3rd or 4th sentence while in office (the balance was Randian rubbish). Rand Paul manages to make a truthful statement once a speech or, more often, once a month. Newt occasionally backed down when he tilted at windmills – Ted Cruz never will.

Conservatives will, in fact, be the death of us.

But Cons say Idiocracy is our fault. If we had beaten them and kicked’em and denied them healthcare then the masses wouldn’t be watching “Ass” or ‘bating.

Wait. What sprang out at me – as the actress said to the bishop – was: Am I Getting Old?

Next up: Kathy Jones? Rilly? A chorus girl elevated by the vast ironies of an indifferent universe to stardom? This is making me wonder if you’re even gay. The movie is okayish but that number is cut. Ms Latifah is all kinds of butch/glam fun. On the other hand Kathy is no Chita Rivera. We are talking musical theatre aristocracy. Also, the number is supposed to be ridiculous: the old (cough cough) always deplore the ways of the young. That is why they are old. They have hung up their assless chaps for Levis with just a ‘scotche’ (how does one spell that?) more room in the ass/waist area.

Also: you can see porn on the internet? I did not know that. Is this easily available? Via Google, par example? Might I search on man of my dreams? And would he show up? And would it be Thierry L’Hermitte? Because porning would so drain the nation of its essential juices and interfere with its ability to nuke Iran.

Sidebar: I am so gonna get on a plane and come out there to where you are and play racquetball with you. Noje can umpire. He’s got the Birks. Plus loser gets spanked. Oh yeah.

@Benedick: I left that there for you, a plum, sweet and cold.

I rather like the movie, and I particularly like that number in the musical. Miss Jones is no Bebe Neuwirth, but she can dance a bit.

You should come tonight, for there is a stinque-up looming for Sunday in the Weho area. Dodger is bringing small bills for the jockstraps.

@Benedick: well, yes. Just because giants walked the earth doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a few lesser performers. Anyway, you have the advantage of actually having seen Chita and Gwen. I had to settle for what I could get.

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