Our most prestigious award honors an individual who, through sheer diligence of assitude year in and year out, has earned the right to join the Pantheon of American Infamy. Only Crystal Douchebag winners qualify for the upcoming Stinque Grand Tour of Grave Pissing, to be scheduled as soon as enough honorees do us the favor of departing This Mortal Coil. (Note to reservation-holders: Lack of pulse does not qualify.)
While the Producers considered drawing out the moment by inviting past Douches to introduce this year’s nominees, they realized it might qualify as torture to drag out today’s ceremony any longer. (That, plus we don’t want to bump Kimmel beyond our audience’s bedtime, and lose our advertiser guarantees.)
So join us in a round of warm round of spite for Newt Gingrich, Joe Lieberman, John McCain, Pat Robertson, and Antonin Scalia. You’re all worthy of Black Roses, but only one of you gets the Thorn.
And the winner is…
SANFRANLEFTY • Quentin Tarantino presents Action Joe and Mister Z @ManchuCandidate: Bitch, March Madness is ON! xoxo
MELLBELL • Quentin Tarantino presents Action Joe and Mister Z @nojo: I mooch Disney+ from my sister and HBO Max from my ex. Still need a Hulu hookup though!
MELLBELL • Quentin Tarantino presents Action Joe and Mister Z @ManchuCandidate: As a veteran of last year's tournament, you were re-invited with one click, so…
MELLBELL • Quentin Tarantino presents Action Joe and Mister Z @nojo: I'm just late, as ever. The play-in games started Tuesday, but we've got until tomorrow.…
NOJO • Software Update of the Year @bruce.desertrat: I have failed to get any work done since that dropped.
BRUCE.DESERTRAT • Software Update of the Year Disturbing my cow-orkers laughing at this....
NOJO • Quentin Tarantino presents Action Joe and Mister Z @¡Andrew!: I tried RRR a few times at Benedick’s insistence, just couldn’t last. And now…
¡ANDREW! • Quentin Tarantino presents Action Joe and Mister Z @nojo: I watched the clips on YouTube. Lady Gaga’s performance was extraordinarily honest and…
NOJO • Quentin Tarantino presents Action Joe and Mister Z @ManchuCandidate: Oh gee, that starts tomorrow? Haven’t heard from Mellbell, so guess not.
MANCHUCANDIDATE • Quentin Tarantino presents Action Joe and Mister Z @¡Andrew!: I passed on the Oscars. Enjoyed the movie.