Crystal Douchebag for Lifetime Achievement

Our most prestigious award honors an individual who, through sheer diligence of assitude year in and year out, has earned the right to join the Pantheon of American Infamy. Only Crystal Douchebag winners qualify for the upcoming Stinque Grand Tour of Grave Pissing, to be scheduled as soon as enough honorees do us the favor of departing This Mortal Coil. (Note to reservation-holders: Lack of pulse does not qualify.)

While the Producers considered drawing out the moment by inviting past Douches to introduce this year’s nominees, they realized it might qualify as torture to drag out today’s ceremony any longer. (That, plus we don’t want to bump Kimmel beyond our audience’s bedtime, and lose our advertiser guarantees.)

So join us in a round of warm round of spite for Newt Gingrich, Joe Lieberman, John McCain, Pat Robertson, and Antonin Scalia. You’re all worthy of Black Roses, but only one of you gets the Thorn.

And the winner is…

John Sidney McCain III. C’mon, at least try to pretend like you didn’t see this coming a mile off.

This concludes the 2010 Stinque Awards! Promotional consideration provided by DiGiorno’s. Guests of the Stinque Awards stay at the beautiful Bates Motel. The part of Cat Stick was played by Meryl Streep. This is Jay Stewart speaking.

The 2010 Stinque Awards

46 comments:

3:03 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

The Stinque Awards is a Mark Goodson Television production! (“The Price Is Right” theme plays)

3:06 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

*nods knowingly*

3:11 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

BTW: we are 210 comments away from Comment 100,000. Any chance we can Dique Clarque to officiate the odometer turning over to AWESOME?

3:11 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

If Psychogeezer hadn’t won, it would have been the greatest travesty since Mondo was robbed on Project Runway (I’m still bitter).

3:16 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

@Mistress Cynica: If Teh Geez hadn’t won, I would have become Son of Psychogeezer on all y’all for disrespecting the sheer breadth, width, and magnitude of fucktardery in this state.

3:17 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

Good thing to as this award is about the only thing McCranky pants has won all year,

3:18 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

BTW: If there’s a report of United Flight 659 being diverted to Detroit on account of drunken passenger, that would be me. I am totes sorry. One who spends five hours in an airport bar would get what one would deserve.

3:25 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

@chicago bureau: Just don’t take off your shoes, DrunkBoy, or you’ll never get them back on. Safe travels!

3:26 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

@chicago bureau: We’re all so proud of you.

Well, he won fair and square. And was up against some pretty stiff opposition. (Except for Mike Lee) A late contender came to my mind (what’s left of it) , namely Grover Norquist. While he may not be as notorious as McCain I would argue that his reach up the anal tract of the Republican party is, if anything, more insidious and does greater damage to the nation’s prostate.

But a fine showing from our judges all of whom I commend in inappropriate ways while crooning highlights from Sunset as recorded by Petula Clarke.

3:29 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

@Benedick: And if I get rung up as a terrorist and sent to a hole to die alone and in pain, know that my last word uttered on this Earth will be this:

“SPORT!”

(relaxes into back of overpriced airport “First Class” massage chair)

3:33 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

BTW: with the end of the Stinque Awards comes the official end of the Holiday Season. And thus I declare an end to that annoying Hyundai commercial with that hipster band singing Christmas carols. It is being done for the Good of the Nation. Sorry, mousey indie girl promoting the Hyundai Sonata.

3:36 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

@Mistress Cynica: I agree, although I think Gretchen is cute.

3:45 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

@Benedick: Oh, wow. Now Mike Lee has a flaccid hamster penis? There has to be a British translation for that. Something that includes “wee beastie.”

3:48 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

@JNOV: Too much Newcastle will do the trick.

3:51 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

@Dodgerblue: Haha! Glenfiddich/Glenlivet/Glenwhatver, too.

3:57 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

@JNOV: Tim’rous wee beastie, as Robbie Burns would have it?

@Dodgerblue: I’m going to pretend you never said that.

4:27 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

@Dodgerblue: Heh. For a second there I thought you were talking about Gretchen Carlson….

4:41 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

@JNOV:

OK, British + hamster has made me recall SPG. Anybody else remember that show?

4:46 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

@al2o3cr: OMG, LOVED IT, back when I was a kitten. So genius…

4:49 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

And from the Department of Non-Suck:

Dear [RML]:

I wanted to send my thanks for all your work on the legal side for the Adoption Decree. The ________ are a outstanding family and (the baby Indian girl abandoned at birth) will be loved and cared for by a large extended family at [the Ancestral Homeland]. This adoption stands out as one of the highlights of our 2010 administration.

Tribal Lt. Gov/Chief Judge of the Traditional Court

Also: I realized at midnight Mass on Friday night in a 200 year old adobe church that I was having the most awesome Christmas in touch with many ancient practices of prayer, pilgrimage, bringing light in the darkness, celebration of family, culture and history capped off by the best bowl of red chile posole I ever had for our simple Christmas dinner. It was like a survey of Hispanic and Indian traditions still carried on in an era of Black Fridays and constant barrages of tv ads and crappy music, although the evil xbox 360 entered our lives due to Mrs RML’s brother . . . .

4:54 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

@Dodgerblue: Wow, you let that one slip? Totally blew your cover. Admit it, you know you enjoy watching PR with Mrs. Dodger and the Dodgerettes, you just pretend not to.

4:55 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

@redmanlaw: Best post ever.

4:58 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

@SanFranLefty: Well, I did kind of get into it, not the drama — they can cut 100 % of that out for all I care — but the challenges were interesting, I provided a useful forum for mockery by my wife and daughters (“you like that ???”), the models were hot and I think Tim Gunn is a riot. I also respect Tim a lot for his “It Gets Better” video. But — no one in our family thought that Gretchen’s work over the season was better than Mando’s.

5:10 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

@redmanlaw: There are days when your posts give me the will to go on. This is one of them. Thanks.

5:11 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

@redmanlaw:
Congrats.

5:20 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

@Dodgerblue: Ha, outed! You are now obligated to respond whenever the Stinque Fashion Police is called into action.

@redmanlaw: Midnight mass in an old abode church sounds sublime. Quite the opposite of the hideous Christmas Eve “service” I attended at my mom’s megachurch this year. When it was over, rather than giving a benediction, the pastor said, “You’re dismissed.” As Mistress Cynica has pointed out in the past, things can get ugly when there’s no liturgical script.

@al2o3cr: I thought British + hamster = this guy.

5:20 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

@redmanlaw: What a wonderful Christmas story for the little girl. Good job!

5:22 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

@Mistress Cynica: Sans eyes, sans teeth, sans Google..

Wee, sleekit, cooerin’ tim’rous beastie,
Och! whit terror’s in thy breestie.

And while the rest of us obsess over the size of Mike Lee’s minuscule drooping dick, RML reminds us that there is a world out there and brings us the best of it.

5:30 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

@al2o3cr: OMG! What is that[interrobang] I MUST watch it!

5:32 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

@Mistress Cynica: I like!

5:34 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

@redmanlaw: :-D

5:35 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

@Benedick: Your teeth are in a cup on the nightstand?

ETA: Oh, yeah. You’re from across the pond.

5:57 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

TJ/ These kids and their Dr. Who. Ugh. But at least I got them to watch a freaky documentary with me. Bet they won’t be getting their tongues pierced for awhile.

6:08 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

@redmanlaw: Brutal Legend. Go get the game now. You can thank me later.

Oh, and congratulations on the little girl. You changed a whole life for the better right there, buddy.

6:20 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010
6:26 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

@redmanlaw: For yourself, get Fallout 3 Game of the Year Edition, and if you like that, get Fallout New Vegas. Assassins Creed. Dead Rising on a big ass TV or you can’t read the subtitles. Elder Scrolls 5: Oblivion.

DERP. Jr says Son of RML can handle these games.

6:44 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

@Tommmcatt is with Karin Marie on This One: And what to I give up to take up this new pursuit? There’s already a lot I’m letting fall by the wayside. For example, I haven’t loaded any ammo since September or October.

To do:

Movies with Mrs RML (True Grit)
clean garage
put cool new storage box on tuck
workout, start water aerobics class
timesheets for work
start PT for busted shoulder and crunchy knee
play more guitar and piano

I’d rather shoot stuff for real than in a video game, anyway. I can shoot my air pistol indoors into the fireplace when I can’t get to the range and no one else is at home.

7:00 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

@al2o3cr: I am so excited! I never saw that show but I have it queued!

7:02 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

@redmanlaw: You are a good man doing good work. It’s very heartening to know that you are at work in the world.

7:43 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

Thanks for all the kind words. I tell people my firm does good work for good people.

7:51 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

@redmanlaw: Good work for good people by good people. Fixed!

8:22 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

@redmanlaw: Dad!

8:33 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

@JNOV: Oh my god, so lovely. Vietnamese?

8:34 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

@redmanlaw: Luddite.

9:42 pm • Monday • December 27, 2010

McCain, like Mitt Romney, has been forced by his wingnut base to run from the few sensible position he has taken (and they are very few and very far between, believe me).

7:41 am • Tuesday • December 28, 2010

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