Platinum Passport for State Most Welcome to Secede

The Judges have been looking forward to this category. A lot. Who among us wouldn’t relish the opportunity to vote someone Off the Island? Or, since that’s been done, an entire state?

A state like Arizona, which leaped onto the national stage in 2010 with the Show Us Your Papers Law, Jan Brewer’s Death Panels(tm), and Son of Potatoehead, as well as veteran assholes Sheriff Joe and John McCain. Or Oklahoma, so fearful of Islam that it banned Sharia Law while neglecting to ban Arabic numerals. Or South Carolina, which boasts the largest concentration of Douchebags in These United States. Not to mention Texas, proud home of America’s Assholes. And who wouldn’t love to shove Sarah Palin’s Alaska onto a drifting ice floe while keeping William Seward’s Alaska in the Union?

And the winner is…

Texas. Governor Perry, your wish is granted. Don’t let the door hit the Board of Education on the way out. And Austin, hang tight for the Airlift.

Next hour: Silver Slinky for Most Spineless Democrat

The 2010 Stinque Awards
13 Comments

If I weren’t so lazy, I’d find the table showing which states are the heaviest weights on the US treasury in the sense of receiving more public money from the feds than their population and businesses pay in. My recollection is that said states tend to be red as a baboon’s butt — a comparison that is probably unfair to baboons because nobody subsidizes them.

@Dodgerblue: This table? I think it’s weird that NM is first – lots of research spending at Los Alamos?

Well, my gut says Arizona should have gotten the award, but considering the long-term, national implications of Texas School Board insanity, I concede that the Judges made the right decision.

@Dodgerblue: One thing I can tell you – it’s not NY.

@SanFranLefty: They gotta keep those aliens alive. And learn to fix their spacecraft and shit.

Oooooo! Here comes the Silver Slinky!

THAT IS BULLSHIT, GODDAMNIT. I WANT A RECOUNT!

@SanFranLefty: Subsidizing the hippie gift shops in Santa Fe? RML?

@SanFranLefty: Here’s an interesting paper on that. http://psweb.sbs.ohio-state.edu/faculty/hweisberg/conference/lacy-osuconf.pdf

We have two nuclear weapons labs; three air force bases (1 transport/National Guard fighter wing; 1 special ops base; 1 with a fighter wing and the Luftwaffe – for reals); the Army base at White Sands; nuclear weapons storage outside of ABQ; several national monuments and parks; about 20 Indian tribes receiving an array of federal services such as health care, education, law enforcement, etc.; grants and contracts to the state and universities; 29 percent of the state is public land administered by the Bureau of Land Management or Forest Service for which the feds make Payments in Lieu of Taxes to county governments; another 10.5 percent are tribal lands held in trust for the tribes by the United States, for which the feds also make PILTS; payments to individuals (with out 20 percent poverty rate) for Social Security, VA benefits, TANF, disability, unemployment and other income support . . .

@SanFranLefty:

I get irritated every time I see that table and notice that every one of the top 10 are prone to electing “we don’t need us no gubmint” types…

I voted for ALL of THEM and I’m a furriner.

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