Our most prestigious award honors an individual who, through sheer diligence of assitude year in and year out, has earned the right to join the Pantheon of American Infamy. Only Crystal Douchebag winners qualify for the upcoming Stinque Grand Tour of Grave Pissing, to be scheduled as soon as enough honorees do us the favor of departing This Mortal Coil. (Note to reservation-holders: Lack of pulse does not qualify.)

While the Producers considered drawing out the moment by inviting past Douches to introduce this year’s nominees, they realized it might qualify as torture to drag out today’s ceremony any longer. (That, plus we don’t want to bump Kimmel beyond our audience’s bedtime, and lose our advertiser guarantees.)

So join us in a round of warm round of spite for Newt Gingrich, Joe Lieberman, John McCain, Pat Robertson, and Antonin Scalia. You’re all worthy of Black Roses, but only one of you gets the Thorn.

And the winner is…

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Here’s all you need to know: Joe Lieberman, two-time winner of the Golden Anal Pear, is attempting the first threepeat of the Stinque Awards, after which we would be obligated hang his sorry ass from the rafters. Can he do it? Will this be the moment you share with your grandchildren, like Nixon’s resignation and the M*A*S*H finale?

Or will Joe be denied by Glenn Beck, master of the Demon Blackboard? Jan Brewer, mistress of the Death Panel? Pam Geller, micturator of the “Ground Zero Mosque”? Mitch McConnell, whom a Nominator warned might actually enjoy having his ass reamed by a medieval torture implement?

And the winner is…

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America harvested a bumper crop of Wingnuts this year, and if winnowing the nominees to five finalists now was challenging, we shudder to think what the process will look like next year — we may need to mount a new competition that begins in January with the House Republican Caucus, and winds up in December with a scream-off between the Final Two.

While our producer rushes off to hit up Coke for sponsorship money, let us consider Sharron Angle, whose Second Amendment Solutions fended off Chickens for Checkups in the Harry Reid Invitational; Michele Bachmann, whose fear of the Census led to fantasies of her own seat being eliminated; Mike Lee, proud leader of an army of clones who will crush you; Christine O’Donnell, who is Not a Witch; and Rand Paul, who demonstrated how quickly even Libertarians will sell out if given the chance.

And the winner is…

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People keep insisting that Democrats accomplished things this year, and we keep replying that labeling something “reform” doesn’t make it so — especially in light of extra-Constitutional Senate rules that Democrats too often accepted as given, instead of making an issue out of them. We’ll grant that in the end you still needed Olympia Snowe to sign off on anything to git ’er done, but we resist the nasty habit of capitulation as the first move.

And so, who to blame: Barack Obama, because fish rot from the head? Harry Reid, who only survived his re-election because his opponent was batshit crazy? Or Evan Bayh, who’d rather quit than fight?

And the winner is…

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The Judges have been looking forward to this category. A lot. Who among us wouldn’t relish the opportunity to vote someone Off the Island? Or, since that’s been done, an entire state?

A state like Arizona, which leaped onto the national stage in 2010 with the Show Us Your Papers Law, Jan Brewer’s Death Panels(tm), and Son of Potatoehead, as well as veteran assholes Sheriff Joe and John McCain. Or Oklahoma, so fearful of Islam that it banned Sharia Law while neglecting to ban Arabic numerals. Or South Carolina, which boasts the largest concentration of Douchebags in These United States. Not to mention Texas, proud home of America’s Assholes. And who wouldn’t love to shove Sarah Palin’s Alaska onto a drifting ice floe while keeping William Seward’s Alaska in the Union?

And the winner is…

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After Salon’s Alex Pareene ran the board last month, the Judges strongly considered just dropping this category and pretending like it never existed. But after the Management reminded them they were being paid by the unit, they bravely forged ahead. With a twist.

This year’s competition is thus a team sport. Fox & Friends, featuring the Faux Ditz (Oxford!) and the Real Ditz (Doocy!) may telegraph every GOP talking point, but accomplishes its mission with a panache that must be the highlight of every Daily Show intern’s day. Facing them at center field is the Washington Post Editorial Page, your source for the best in Torture Apologists.

And the winner is…

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The Judges were confused by the existence of this new award category, and were sorely tempted to follow the sage advice of a Nominator who suggested that the award be bestowed upon Sport itself. But after scolding by the Management for not being team players, the sullen panelists decided to give it the old BCS try.

FIFA president Sepp Blatter‘s (Teleprompter: “Pause for audience giggles”) warning to gays not to gay it up in Qatar leads off our parade of Dick Moves. LeBron James‘s Dick Move took a full hour on ESPN to unfurl, followed by the endless punctuation of Nike commercials. The Vancouver Organizing Committee built a manifestly unsafe luge track, then pulled out a Dick Move when an athlete demonstrated the point. And Brett Favre all but defined Dick Move in 2010.

And the winner is…

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