Jack Ryan led a colorful life. No, not Tom Clancy’s hero. And not 7 of 9’s ex, although he was 6 of 9 for Zsa Zsa Gabor.

It’s in that role — this was the 1970s — that he was said to take apart her Rolls and refuse to put it together again. And he probably could have if he wanted to, given that early in his career he was a Raytheon engineer on the Sparrow and Hawk missile projects

Jack tallied five wives himself, although we don’t where Zsa Zsa stands in the line-up. Between wives — we’ll be nice and presume as much — he was “a full-blown Seventies-style swinger” with “a manic need for sexual gratification,” according to a researcher. Recalls one woman he worked with, “Jack once said he loved me being so tall so he could stick his nose in my boobs when he hugged me.”

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Something’s rotting in our Intertubes today, preventing access to a number of sites — including ours! So the Porn Post needs to be iPhone-brief tonight: Imagine a very naughty tryst between Celine Dion and Andrew Lloyd Webber.

You got a problem with that? Fine. Fix our Internet, and we’ll put out.

Can you spot the missing detail?

1. Return home after drinking.

2. Commence oral sex.

3. Start hitting each other.

4. Call the police.

Sharp-eyed readers will have immediately noticed the gap between #2 and #3:

But moments later as Bowers and her spouse, Delou, engaged in the act, she began biting down hard enough that Delou Bowers asked her to stop, the report says. When she refused, Delou Bowers started punching Charris Bowers in the head and face until she finally let go.

And there you have it: She bit his johnson because she didn’t want to have sex. Thanks for playing!

Biting during oral sex results in battery charge [Daytona Beach News-Journal]

In tonight’s episode of Medical Condition or Woody Allen Movie? comes the explosive discovery that some people habitually sneeze after sex.

In other words: Be careful which Kleenex you use to wipe your nose.

Although the reflex condition is rare in the medical literature, British researchers suspect it’s more prevalent than anyone cares to admit. So they visited some online chatrooms to gather field reports:

This highly unscientific survey identified 17 men and women who reported sneezing immediately after having sexual thoughts and three people who sneezed after orgasm.

That’s right: the mere thought of sex is enough to set off sneezing fits. And when you consider how frequently everyone entertains pestorking fantasies, we’re surprised the entire race doesn’t come down with lethal hiccups.

Sneezing uncontrollably after sex may be more common than realised [Guardian UK]

We weren’t aware until now of what must be the charming Italian tradition of setting off fireworks during Christmas season. We’re not exactly sure what it represents — the sound of being pestorked by an angel? — but it certainly sounds more lively than draining the power grid so God can see your three-stage Santa display.

Still, fireworks are fireworks, and Italian officials must have their hands full keeping fingers from being blown off. So in Naples this year, women are pledging to withhold fireworks from the bedroom if their men indulge themselves on the streets:

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With our economy in a shambles, you would think innovative home businesses would be encouraged. And by all accounts, the Dallas-area Cherry Pit has been a roaring success:

Police documents seized in a pair of July raids show that the weekend parties in the home were lucrative. Mr. Trulock and Ms. Norris had taken in at least $102,000 in donations from attendees during a 16-month period. The weekend parties drew hundreds of people, and parking overflowed into the street.

College kegger? Hardly. The Cherry Pit is a “swingers” club, a quaint throwback to the days when you could use that word without erupting in an orgasm of giggles. For fifty bucks you can cross the threshhold into a world of bad Seventies midnight movies, featuring a dance floor, profoundly well-stocked bar, and a six-way bed with what appear to be fresh sheets. Single gals welcome!

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We hate to serve up sloppy seconds the day after Thanksgiving, but just look at the slim pickings out there:

• Japan workers told to go home and procreate [Guardian UK]
• Even sex can’t sell in this economy [Boston.com]
• ‘I’m 35 and have never had sex’ [GoodToKnow UK]
• Everything You Need To Know About Hitler’s “Missing” Testicle [Slate]

Pitiful. So here goes:

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