Geez, we need some filler here to pretend we’re doing something other than marking time before getting to the link. There’s “beats as it sweeps as it cleans,” of course. Or the line about a resident reporting “suspicious activity at a car wash”. Maybe speculation about what George Jetson does with Rosie the Robot when Jane’s away. (Jane! Stop this crazy thing! Jane! Hellllllp!)

Well, fuck it. Sometimes you just can’t compete with the source.

Mich. man pleads no contest in vacuum sex act case [AP]

With gambling and booze in the tank, our economic collapse seems to be undermining long-held assumptions about safe investment bets. But one business appears to be thriving amid the gloom:

Designer sex toys.

These aren’t your mother’s dildoes. Popularized by Sex and the City’s Rampant Rabbit, we’re talking about three-figure equipment for your two-finger needs.

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With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, at least three zoos are offering adults-only events where you can catch all the hawt Tab A/Slot B/Horn C action.

Why the age exclusion, we don’t know, what with bestiality easily available on the Tubez, or for that matter, home demonstrations with Fido and Your Leg.

But let’s play along and start with Michigan’s Binder Park Zoo, which provides Zoorotica for your prurient pleasure, at only $50 per couple:

Experienced and unabashed staff will lead you on a tour exploring the sexual lives of animals. Biting, clawing, scratching and mid-air acrobatics, animals have a way of reproducing that can be beautiful and brutal at the same time! The love tour will end with hors d’oeuvres and a special DVD presentation.

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Naughty Nymphs Team: “During the month of February you can join our team, become a ROMANCE CONSULTANT, start your own business, and earn 50% sales commissions for only $99!  This is a great opportunity!”

Party Gals: “All you need to do is invite your fabulous friends, and ask them to bring some of their fabulous friends! Add some sexy refreshments, and we’ll bring the fun!”

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While the story about guys thinking about sex every seven seconds (wait… now!) may be apocryphal, this one has an academic study behind it: “Women have more nightmares than men, a British researcher says, but men are more likely to dream about sex.”

Nightmares about sex were not reported. But even when women do dream about sex, they tend to opt for a Lifetime movie, while guys head straight for XTube:
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One of the reasons we suspect the rest of the world disdains American football is that we have no sense of style — not just George Will’s violence punctuated by committee meetings, but no feel for proper celebrating. Endzone dances just don’t cut it.

Not when you consider Dino Drpic, a vowel-deprived Croation futboller who made a smashing midfield play with his wife recently.

“Dino had arranged that people should turn on the stadium lights for us,” said future Bond Girl nominee Nives Celsius, “and he finally fulfilled his dream of having sex in the middle of a football pitch. It was very naughty.”

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We proudly present some randy highlights from a new study of butterfly mating habits:

• “During sex the males physically restrain the females for an entire day”
• “She then arranged for some female butterflies to receive a large deposit from a single male, and others to have a small deposit from three different males adding up to a similar volume.”

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