When Animals Pestork!

With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, at least three zoos are offering adults-only events where you can catch all the hawt Tab A/Slot B/Horn C action.

Why the age exclusion, we don’t know, what with bestiality easily available on the Tubez, or for that matter, home demonstrations with Fido and Your Leg.

But let’s play along and start with Michigan’s Binder Park Zoo, which provides Zoorotica for your prurient pleasure, at only $50 per couple:

Experienced and unabashed staff will lead you on a tour exploring the sexual lives of animals. Biting, clawing, scratching and mid-air acrobatics, animals have a way of reproducing that can be beautiful and brutal at the same time! The love tour will end with hors d’oeuvres and a special DVD presentation.

Or you and your primate other might prefer Wild at Heart, a mere $75 at Tampa’s Lowry Park Zoo:

“It’s a really an amusing, light-hearted look at what we call it love,” said Rachel Nelson, director of public relations at the Tampa zoo. She said the tour includes visits to the giraffes (from which the term “necking” originates), elephants (with prodigious “equipment”) and Indian rhinos (a longtime zoo couple with well-documented mating habits).

The idea isn’t new. San Francisco — where else? — has been pitching Pestorking Safaris for twenty years, after penguin wrangler Jane Tollini noticed that her amorous charges reminded her of “bowling pins making love.” Woo at the Zoo (formerly Sex Tours) will also set a pair of curious mammalians back $75.

Alas, all zoo events come with a disclaimer: unlike humans, animals don’t fuck on cue.


My only visit to the SD Zoo.

I was at the Orangutan cage/enclosure and this grey beard decides he wants some morning perstorking. A younger female obliges him and they start banging away right in front of the old ladies and little kids. The old orangutan has a big ass grin on his face (I don’t blame him) but it seemed like the old bastard really enjoyed doing it front of others.

Meanwhile the old ladies and mommies are trying to deny what was going on.

“Oh Matilda, I think he’s trying to jump over her.”

“Mommy! Mommy! What is he doing?”
“Uh, er, look at the one making faces over here!”

“Awww. The Monkeys (!) are playing.”

I ran out of the enclosure because I couldn’t take any more of this and started laughing uncontrollably for five minutes. People thought I was insane. I guess I was… This was one of the goddamned funniest things I had ever seen. Not the two O’s screwing, but the reaction of folks denying they were watching Orangutan Porn.

@ManchuCandidate: I had such a similar experience at Disney, in Orlando, at the African Safari park part of Disney, I don’t even know what its called, I so hated being there.

One of the rides involves boarding a big fake version of a land rover and driving on a bush road through Africa, the fucking thing is on some kind of track, the driver doesn’t drive, and between fields and enclosures full of real animals, they have some animatronic shit, like you are being attacked by a rhino, painful shit.

And of course we are surrounded by overweight fundie pigfuckers. Its Disney.

And we are going through a “savannah” and there is a group of Giraffes, and I notice one big girraffe is sniffing at the hind end of another giraffe and chasing it around, and suddenly, the chased giraffe stops, spreads her hind legs, and the other giraffe closed in and started licking away, and this was clearly sexual licking, this was giraffe cunnilingus, and I am laughing my ass off already, my wife punching me, and then, the female giraffe starts pissing, a huge, niagra like waterfall, and the male, you could see his tongue snake out a foot and twist around and lap that piss right into his mouth like it was the fountain of youth.

I totally lose all conscious control over my reactions and scream, laughing at the same time “holy shit, he’s drinking her piss.”

Two things happened. I got the sharpest elbow to the ribs I ever got in my life, while being treated to the sight of all these shocked fat faces staring at me.

And simultaneously, a truck full of animal wranglers pulled up and started cattle-prodding that male giraffe and forcing him away, it was the Disney flying anti-sex squad at work, lest any christians see that, in fact, birds do it, and bees do it too.

@ManchuCandidate: BTW, ever read Vonnegut’s “Welcome to the Monkey House?” Thats what it was about.

I just coughed up a lung laughing. Cunnilingus, golden showers and cattle prods. Seems like a normal night with the local escort for many of the fundies.

Sorry, I just started laughing again.

Where’s my motherfucking stinkers? Its Friday, its Stinque After Dark, I am stag and bored. Any animal sex stories? Kinsey says 5% of all rural youths fuck a cow, eventually. Larry McMurtry confirmed this, anecdotally, in his memoir of his Texas youth.

I am glad I was not a rural youth, is all I know. Even 20 to 1 odds sounds bad to me.

And hey, Nojo, where does that Twitter about Hodgeman come from? I love Hodgeman, his book, Areas of my Expertise, made me laugh more than anything since I first discovered Wodehouose. And somehow he knew, years ago, how important it would be to master “matters hobo,” as if he knew this crash were coming. My interest in hobo matters was first stimulated by Hodgman, and I think the knowledge I have gained will give me a survival advantage in the coming time of cannibal anarchy.

@Promnight: My favorite scene at the SD Zoo, which I live just a few miles from, involves my then-six-year-old nephew. Unfortunately we were there with his father/my brother when he asked, “What are those turtles doing?”

(Because I would have had a much more descriptive explanation for my nephew than the one my brother offered, like, “Son, they’re making love.”)

Believe me, turtle-fucking is a sight to see.

@Promnight: how important it would be to master “matters hobo,” as if he knew this crash were coming

Um, can we accept that, besides my own unedumacated anal-probing of the zeitgeist, there have been plenty of indicators of impending doom writ large for lo these many years?

@Pedonator: But all fucking is a sight to see, it never fails to evoke happiness, warm feelings of “good for you,” and internal notes to self “when I get home, me and SO ought to do some of that, that would be so cool.”

What is it that makes some people feel revulsion about sex?

A complete and total loathing of self. Failure to enjoy pleasure and give pleasure from others.

@Pedonator: Turtles is good. I have seen pictures, but I am sure that only the live performance conveys it all. The slowness.

Now here is a window into a discussion of whether long and slow or fast and quick, or any variations of same, whether these things are significant.

@ManchuCandidate: Manchu, from whence this blackness, and know this, its a blackness I know very well, self-loathing and depression. Talk about it with me. But where did this conversation lead to it?

You asked about why some people have a revulsion to sex.

I don’t totally hate myself, but I definitely am not a big fan sometimes and I’ve battled doubts and depression.

Case in point. Last night, I was a party for single people, an anti VD party if you will. I didn’t meet anyone I knew at the beginning and was starting to beat myself up like I usually do which is why I get uptight meeting people and in particular, a big reason why I have been a failure with women.

I had to tell myself to stop it, I had a Gin and Tonic then a beer chaser to loosen up and then mentally wrestle the black dog down and keep it down.

Turned to an attractive woman standing by herself and started chatting with her. I didn’t get anywhere with her (she seemed rather uptight herself but that’s her problem and not mine.) Anyway, I bumped into someone I met before and we hit it off. I got her facebook link and I’ll send her a friend request. I doubt that much more will happen out of this, but it took a lot of effort, thought and energy to beat the black dog (aka depression.)

@Promnight: I just love the memory of my six-year-old nephew pointing at the animals and shouting, “Turtles! Fucking!” And he had such a happy face when he saw that. Good times.

All nephew-viewing-of-turtle-fucking aside, I’d like to focus on hobo cuisine here. Promnight, you need to make a cookbook of hobo cuisine, as a fallback for when we’re all homeless cannibals and we can’t rely on Acopalypse Chow.

@Promnight: Hey, I was posting on dino secks last night.

BTW, my martini bro, THE absolute BEST gin IN THE WORLD is Cap Rock from Colorado.

. . . holee fuckin shit . . . it’s like spring water

My baby got it for me for Valentine’s Day, along with two bottles of wine. She loves me.

@redmanlaw: Hey, I saw. I am gonna look for that gin, but sounds hard to find.

Here is something I just read, stimulus package funding for indian native american projects:

* Highway infrastructure funds for the Indian Reservation Roads program ($550,000,000);

* Native American housing block grants ($510,000,000);

* Bureau of Indian Affairs construction of roads, schools and detention centers ($450,000,000);

* Indian health facilities ($415,000,000);

* State and local law enforcement assistance to Indian tribes ($225,000,000);

* Community Development Financial Institutions Fund for financial assistance, training and outreach to Native American, Hawaiian and Alaskan native communities ($100,000,000);

* Indian Health Service information technology and telehealth services ($85,000,000);

* Bureau of Indian Affairs job training and housing improvement programs ($40,000,000);

* Bureau of Indian Affairs – Office of Inspector General ($15,000,000);

* Indian guaranteed loan program ($10,000,000);

* Food distribution program on Indian reservations ($5,000,000).

Is this good?

@ManchuCandidate: Most of us are damaged goods, which makes us shy and incompetent when it comes to meeting people. We don’t begin to recognize our own strengths.

Manchu, go out there, believe in yourself, own your sexy-train, approach that girl who seems unbelievably smokin’, because she’s just like you: ripe, brainy, socially awkward in a hot way, afraid to take that chance…but ultimately worth the effort.

It took me a long time to figure that out.

In the past, last night I would have sat in the corner, given up and just stared at everyone like Snoopy when he pretended he was a Vulture. I used to joke that I spent a lot of time hanging out at vulture’s row.

I still have a lot of work to do, but the fact that I can “right” the ship is a good start.

Best moment for me? I bumped into a woman who looked a lot like Stormy (sans ultra big boobage) and I gave her (for what passes for) my winning grin and she gave me a wink that promised more than what I got (she left early with her girl friends so it was Nothing.) I never got those winks or smiles till I figured what you said out.

@Promnight: Hmmm… Thought Manchu or RML would have filled you in on the Resident Expert by now. I’ll give it another hour.

Ooops. Sorry.

“There are those who believe that life began out there…”

Er, wrong version.

I got it. The resident expert was on Battlestar Galactica Redux, not the 70s version.

@ManchuCandidate: And in my single years I would count a wink and smile from some hot guy like a lottery win.

Follow the bewbies, whatever size fits you, paying special attention to the head/hair/brain attached to them. I think you’ll eventually find your milk and honey.

True dat. The Faux Stormy made my night.

Last year, same party, I was dumped by a female I started seeing in last January. About as welcome as a kick to the nads, but I had a pretty good idea it was over when she didn’t return my call for over a week.

That night I saw her, but I didn’t freak out like I would have in my 20s. I got two phone numbers that night and I made out with one woman on the dance floor. I bumped into my “ex” at the end of the night and she said “I just want to be friends blah blah blah.”

I looked at her and told I was cool with it. Whatever. She looked rather stunned. Maybe it was my new friend’s perfume or her lipstick smeared on my neck, but I was beyond caring at that point.

I would have to say that moment of “coolness” if you will made my year, perhaps decade.

@Promnight: Hobo studies should be a required course at teh Ivy League skools.

Heaven or FSM knows, we’re gonna need that kinda expertise when it comes down to deciding on how to cook, for instance, calf vs. bicep meat.

@Promnight: One of my partners spent the last two weeks working on an alternative list that could have correced some historical inequities in terms of administrative cost support for federally-funded schools on the rez and for other needs but it was going no where. The list you see is what it is.

@ manchu – avoid blondes. Our fucked up society places a premium on them and they act accordingly. I have seen brown dudes back home talk of a blondie as if it were the highest prize. Fuck that shit, bro.

@ManchuCandidate: Bingo! Hodg had a cameo on Battlegeek tonight. As a brain surgeon.

Hey, just got in from having dinner after work (which ran until 9PM,a nd started at 9AM). Had a great lunch with stinquers in SF, Lefty caught her plane to NZ (we hope — she was the only one of us not worried about having enough time to make her flight. I think MW was going to try to post photo evidence to the jam.
Am fading fast, but get to see Benedick’s play tomorrow, which I’m really looking forward to.
@ManchuCandidate: RML is right about blondes. Entitled and batchit crazy for the most part. I know a number of very attractive women who are rarely approached because men are intimidated by their looks and either avoid them or else act like a total idiot. Try pretending she just a friend and talk to her like a normal person. Many will find it refreshing. And don’t overlook lsightly older women. They’re more secure, generally (psychologically and financially and, as Franklin pointed out, they’re so grateful.

here is the secret. you must believe in your heart of hearts that you are brad pitt. this can’t be faked. you have the smarts and the funny to have ANY woman you want. i don’t care what you look like. my BF in high school was objectively ugly, not hideous, just no looker, but he had an air of confidence about him that drew the prettiest girls to him like magnets. he was charming, but no more charming than you.
you are standing in your own way. no negativity, walk into a room like james fucking bond, and mean it. the women will flock.

it takes a little balls to to walk up to total strangers and chat them up and ask to photograph them yet! i gulp, remember i am wonder woman inside and step right up. it’s confidence that is intoxicating to women.
rat is no looker, his confidence is his main attraction.

@ManchuCandidate: Haha! Excellent! Once I was in our backyard BBQing with my dad and stepmom, and two (mating?) flies landed on the picnic table. I was thrilled and exclaimed, “Hey! Look! These two flies are having sex!” I got in trouble.

@Pedonator: I was stationed at Balboa Hospital, and I used to job through Balboa Park everyday. A fragrant, beautiful jog. Miss it terribly. Glad you’re living in God’s Country.

Gar! I gotta go and get ready for work. I’ll catch up with y’all later.

@JNOV: Oy! JOG, goddamit, JOG! Although staying in shape was part of my job description, so maybe is was a job, too.

Okay, really — I’m leaving. Bye!

@Mistress Cynica:

I’ll admit that I once had a blond fetish in my younger days like more than a few Asian males. After repeated thumpings from said entitled that I (FINALLY) looked past hair color and boobies.

The cure for blonds is blonds… I think I have dated brunettes since.

@baked: Seriously. Son of RML radiates confidence and is a chick magnet. Mrs RML wants to put a leash on him to and keep Evil Girls away from Her Boy while I’m just glad we raised a son who carries himself so well.

i raised my daughter the same way. the only thing we have to teach, to give to our children is self confidence. the rest will take care of itself.

i grew up having any confidence beat out of me. sometimes we have to, as adults, find it on our own. and i did because i’m stubborn and i nutured the seed inside that never let me forget i was worthy. you’re just as stubborn. nurture that seed bond, james bond.

our kids are lucky. to take for granted they are special and worthy and wonderful. can’t imagine how that must feel. i marvel at my daughter.
i gave to her what was not given to me, very conciously, and it worked.

My parents weren’t very good at nuturing that seed. In fact, they spent a lot of time trying to weed it out.

It wasn’t till I stopped trying to please my parents that things changed.

I’ll watch a comedy about some Jewish male in conflict with his parents (especially mother) and laugh very hard because it was my experience too. There are times when I wonder if there are secret Jewish Koreans. Oy vey!

@baked: Self-confidence is the key. If you don’t have it, pretend you do. Then you will.

@ManchuCandidate: The lost tribes, dude. 10 of the 12 disappeared into history. I think I told the story here (or here’s predecessors) about an olive-skinned, dark-haired Jewish friend of mine who went to work at Navajo Legal Services on the res. Someone asked her what tribe she was from. She said “Abraham” and everyone was cool with that.

@Dodgerblue: I think Manchu is from the tribe of Dan.

ADD: started my legal career working for the poorest of the poor at Navajo legal aid (DNA-People’s Legal Services) in Farmington and Shiprock NM. By the time I got there the Reaganites that put a muzzle on the LSC, so all I was doing was domestic violence and public benefits. Impact litigation on behalf of consumers was outlawed. I got there after the glory days were over but it was still a hell of a place for an Indian law practitioner to get his or her ticket punched, especially since I’m still working out there.

@redmanlaw: I’m pretty sure that’s where Diane was. That was in the pre-muzzle days.

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