Finally, a Recession-Proof Industry

With gambling and booze in the tank, our economic collapse seems to be undermining long-held assumptions about safe investment bets. But one business appears to be thriving amid the gloom:

Designer sex toys.

These aren’t your mother’s dildoes. Popularized by Sex and the City’s Rampant Rabbit, we’re talking about three-figure equipment for your two-finger needs.

Like the Lindsay Lohan-endorsed gold-plated vibrator, a steal at Jimmyjane for only $325.

Or Myla’s Bone, from furniture designer Tom Dixon, yours for only £199.

Or for the environmentally conscious pestorker on a budget, there’s Coco De Mer’s Paul Seville Feather Tickler at $75. (And with the change, you can pick up a copy of Pablo Neruda’s Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair — that last part curiously left unlisted on their site.)

And how could we leave out Sh! of Sweden’s £56.99 Lelo Liv rechargeable vibrator, with variable speeds and a Buzz Rating just short of “Wowser!” If Saab folds, the factory can always be retooled.

“They’re small, they’re classy, they feel nice — and they don’t look out of place alongside an iPhone in a Burberry handbag,” says “maternity sex expert” Rachel Foux.

Just be sure you don’t confuse them. None of the sex toys are 3G-enabled, and the iPhone vibrator barely rates a “Very Gentle”.

A guide to the new luxury sex toys [Times UK]
31 Comments

The Times UK is apparently very staid and their reporters tend to believe what they are told, when it comes to matters of the flesh. Violet Blue would laugh those recommendations out of the room.
The article reads like press-release masquerading as consumer advice.

The Bone itself looks enticing, but I need to see if the docking station fits with my urban decor before I commit.

@Pedonator: Thank you. The fact that it’s designed by someone (a man!) whose expertise is in furniture pretty much kills its appeal.

Here’s my take-away from this: Sex toys for chicks are cool and the thought of a chick achieving some healthy solo joy with the help of a sophisticated, colorful, multi-armed pleasure device, is donwright HOT.

But the dudes, where is this breakthrough in sex toys for dudes? (I am not counting the gay dudes, for reasons that will shortly be explained).

Quite simply, the idea of a woman penetrating herself with an artificial joy-machine, is, well, cool, wow, hot. But the idea of a dude penetrating anything artificial, well, thats almost universally regarded as yucky, eeeww, gross.

Nope, the only acceptable solo outlet for a dude, is the hand.

@Ewalda: I’m holding out for the inevitable Philippe Starck anal beads. I’ve asked for them many times at Target but they can never find them in the stockroom.

Maybe IKEA could do a better job?

Recession proof? Well, if you’re not going out, and your boyfriend costs you money, I suppose you could stay home with one of these.

@Promnight: Haven’t tried it myself, but the Real Touch might change the game.

@Promnight: I’m reminded of the episode of Metalocalypse when they become obsessed with trying to self-fellate.

Hey, we have two alternatives, start creating that self-sufficient commune to hunker down in and survive this apocalypse, or buy a bunch of sex toys and just try to maximize the number of orgasms we have left before the cannibal anarchist hordes get us.

NEW YORK (Reuters) – Renowned investor George Soros said on Friday the world financial system has effectively disintegrated, adding that there is yet no prospect of a near-term resolution to the crisis.

Soros said the turbulence is actually more severe than during the Great Depression, comparing the current situation to the demise of the Soviet Union.

He said the bankruptcy of Lehman Brothers in September marked a turning point in the functioning of the market system.

“We witnessed the collapse of the financial system,” Soros said at a Columbia University dinner. “It was placed on life support, and it’s still on life support. There’s no sign that we are anywhere near a bottom.”

His comments echoed those made earlier at the same conference by Paul Volcker, a former Federal Reserve chairman who is now a top adviser to President Barack Obama.

Volcker said industrial production around the world was declining even more rapidly than in the United States, which is itself under severe strain.

“I don’t remember any time, maybe even in the Great Depression, when things went down quite so fast, quite so uniformly around the world,” Volcker said.

What about the fleshlight? Wasn’t that supposed to be the game-changer?

http://www.fleshlight.com/

And if we’re gonna go there, then we might as well watch some super-buff dude fuck a watermelon, am I right?

P.S. It’s the “SLAVE” tattoo right above his pink firehose that sets my house ablaze.

P.S.S. Skip to about 10:25 for hawt hunk on watermelon action.

P.S.S.S. Feel free to thank me anytime.

http://www.shufuni.com/gays/66E958F5-BB50-4B51-91A6-73646284F7C1.html

@Original Andrew: Bah, thats nothing, there has simply been no attention paid to producing a high-tech artificial orifice, nothing on the level of the gains made in the dildo sciences.

@Original Andrew: What about the fleshlight? Too many guys accidentally grabbed it in the middle of the night when the wife wanted them to check out the noises the raccoons were making while digging in the garbage cans.

@Promnight: comparing the current situation to the demise of the Soviet Union

Cue: Dmitry Orlov.

Volcker said industrial production around the world was declining even more rapidly than in the United States, which is itself under severe strain

Industrial production in the USA has been declining for decades, unless you count entertainment and celebrity/political scandal industrious. And weapons, of course.

@Ewalda:

And then they’re all “honey, I’ll be back in about 7 and a half minutes…”

@Original Andrew: As solo scenes go, that’s a winner. But I want to see his Master get into the action.

@Ewalda: But you have to admit, the fleshlight should be a standard part of any conscientious citizen’s disaster preparedness kit. (Note the recommendation for “extra batteries”.)

I think it’s kinda sad that most straight guys are so seemingly afraid of their asses. How will they ever discover their He-Spots?

A straight guy who adventurously puts a small dildo up his bum then bangs his wife/girlfriend will be rewarded with an orgasm so intense, he’ll swear he just shot three vertebrae outta his kahk.

@Original Andrew: Young asses have He-Spots. Old asses have fissures.
Gather ye rosebuds, while ye may……

@Original Andrew: I can personally recommend the Aneros. Oops–TMI?

Anyway, they also have a special “Sluggo” combo-deal with the fleshlight!

@Ewalda: Now I understand the final word of Citizen Kane!

I don’t know what a “he spot” is, unless you are just talking about prostate stimulation, but I know what fissures are.

Youth is so wasted on the young.

@Promnight: I know that youthful prostates are wasted on those who don’t stimulate them.

@Pedonator: I trust y’all understand that by youthful I mean twenty-thirty-something-year-olds. The prostates of anyone younger should only be handled by themselves. Don’t be calling Chris Hansen on my ass, I don’t think his fingers would be stimulating.

Well, its a quiet time, here is my weirdness. Thursday afternoon, I was surfing around ebay looking for boating equipment, and a posting randomely popped up, of an antique auction, of a scrapbook put together by a WWII serviceman who was sent to the Aleution islands in Alaska in 1943. Someone wwas auctioning off this deeply personal piece of history that you would think would be a proud heirloom for anyone who gave a shit about family history. But there it was. And the thing is, My dad was sent to the Aleutians in 1943. I have his scrapbook. This was the same leather scrapbook, with the same title, “Where the North Begins,” I think, but from the pictures, it was the same scrapbook. The guy must have bought it at the same souvenire stand.

And I could swear I recognized my dad in one of the photos. I recognized every single place. This was the scrapbook of one of my dad’s cohorts.

I bid up to $250 for it. I lost.

I am feeling I really fucked up not to get it.

@Promnight: Don’t feel bad about it. You have your dad’s scrapbook. Even if it’s like a high-school yearbook and it was the same for everyone there, you have the important one for you, and there’s no need to get someone else’s copy of it. You already have the heirloom. I mean, you already have the most personal piece that means something to you.

This is when I miss him most, when I wish I could ask, “Dad, did you know this guy?

they will have to pry my rabbit from my…uh… cold dead..uh…hands.

@Original Andrew:
i agree. i love a straight guy not afraid of his ass.
what? TMI?

As for the Lelo vibes, my favourite adult shop’s owner swears by them. She reckons they are the bee’s knees, cat’s pyjamas, grasshopper garters, and dog’s nuts, all rolled up into one well designed, rechargeable, girl’s best friend.

The look of rapture on her face as she talks about them and holds them is more than enough to make me wish I had a vagina.

And as Promnight has so kindly pointed out, there is no real equal for men. I’m still waiting for someone to import Aneros to Australia to buy over the counter rather than have yet another package addressed to me opened by AQIS (Australian Quarantine Investigation Service).

Add a Comment
Please log in or register to post a comment