The UK Literary Review’s annual “Bad Sex in Fiction” finalists have been announced, but unfortunately nobody’s posting excerpts yet. (Shout-out to John Updike for Rabbit is Flaccid The Widows of Eastwick, however.) So we’ll just have to make do with horny moments from last year’s finalists. Because while good sex may last all night, bad sex is forever.

Jeanette Winterson, The Stone Gods: I start to slip off my jeans and I feel her gaze as I stand in my bra and pants. Why am I embarrassed about taking off my clothes right in front of a robot?

Richard Milward, Apples: She had on no knickers, and my heart went crash-bang-wallop and my eyes popped out. She hadn’t shaved, and her fanny looked like a tropical fish or a bit of old carpet.

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We haven’t been paying attention to Second Life since the Paultard Invasion a few websites ago, but we’ve heard that cyberpestorking is all the rage there. What we haven’t heard — until now — is that in addition to buying virtual genitalia for your avatars, you may be buying a heap o’ trouble back in your sorry excuse for a real world.

That’s what David Pollard learned when his wife caught him pixelating with another woman.

“I just couldn’t believe what he’d done,” said Amy Taylor. “I looked at the screen and saw his character having sex. It’s cheating, as far as I’m concerned.”

And why would Amy be looking at the screen? Because she’s also a member.

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Although there’s yet no evidence of couples seizing the moment Tuesday night at Grant Park, it’s looking like America will experience a baby boomlet next summer:

Contributors to Twitter, which allows users to post brief alerts about what they were doing, deluged the site with reports of their election night passions, prompting others to speculate that maternity wards in blue states would be unusually busy in nine months time.

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What you will need:

• rose petals
• one red candle
• black passion incense
• an athame (ceremonial dagger)

How it works:

Make a circle with the rose petals. Use the athame to draw energy. Once this is done, you recite:

“The circle is cast and we are now between worlds, beyond the bounds of time, where night and day, birth and death, joy and sorrow meet as one. It is in this place we invoke the tantric powers of Hecate. And now we are as one. So mote it be!”

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So here’s how it works: Type “sex” into Google News. Click through ten pages of some really vile shit before a story turns up that’s prurient without being putrid.

Or, short of that, go with the headline you can’t resist.

Police: Man urinates on dog after owner spurns sex [AP]

With names like “Willy Spread” and “Nipple Spread,” sex condiments have to be good. They even come with a silver spreading knife, although you’re warned to warm up the knife before using.

“Cold steel can have a shrinking effect,” you understand. You don’t want your, um, soufflé collapsing before it’s served.

But now comes word of even worse hazards: the food scare in China has spread to naughty toppings.

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From Porn Movies for Women — part of the Porn for Women Network! — some recommendations for your weakened awakened weekend pleasure:

Facesitting Pleasures Series: “As long as I got the face they have a place to sit.”

City of Flesh 3: “This is not your conventional adult move, its hardcore, explicit action is interlaced with an engaging storyline, skillful acting, beautiful sets and awesome music.”

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