We’re Sticking with Jello

With names like “Willy Spread” and “Nipple Spread,” sex condiments have to be good. They even come with a silver spreading knife, although you’re warned to warm up the knife before using.

“Cold steel can have a shrinking effect,” you understand. You don’t want your, um, soufflé collapsing before it’s served.

But now comes word of even worse hazards: the food scare in China has spread to naughty toppings.

The UK Food Standards Agency is warning that sex sweeteners contain poisonous melamine, which unscrupulous Chinese producers have used to dilute milk. “This is a first,” said an FSA spokesperson. “We’ve never had to put out an alert before on ‘willy spread’ – chocolate-flavoured or otherwise.”

Cheek Spread appears not to be affected. Then again, we’re too frightened to see whether it even exists.

Killer chemical in sex toy food [Sun UK]
75 Comments

If you’re partner’s parts need condiments to be edible, well, thats not a good sign. I mean, you put enough horseradish and hot sauce on anything, and you can choke it down. But is that what you want to be eating?

Thats how you can tell a real sushi lover from a wannabe, the wasabi quotient. REAL sushi lovers loves the fish, but of course, the fish is only good when it does not taste fishy.

I am a real sushi lover. The only sauce should be the natural sauce.

“Cold steel can have a shrinking effect,”
That’s the understatement of the year!!! Sorry, cold steel (dull or not) is pretty much the last thing I want near my junk.

What I don’t get are those guys who are so whigged out by the size of their equipment that they’re willing to be cut by cold steel and under go the equivalent of lengthy torture to add maybe a whole 1/2 inch to their wangs.

While I’m at it, why not just use honey or regular chocolate syrup? What makes “sexy” spreads sexy when one can just simply raid the fridge?

I was once told a story (true? don’t know didn’t want to ask) about a guy I knew in University who was so into sexy food with his GF that his housemates were pissed with him for going thru a month’s supply of honey and maple syrup after one weekend’s worth of sexy fun time. At least we knew where he got the energy.

@Promnight:
Oh those sneaky Japanese and their raw fish. I enjoy a good sushi roll as much as next guy, I think…

Heh. Wasabi is bad enough when it gets in your sinuses let alone other more sensitive places. Yikes!

Despite what the lady mags say, guys are pretty easy to please. Women, not so much. Takes effort and thought, but I like a challenge.

@ManchuCandidate: Some people need a little wasabi on their sensitive places.

@ManchuCandidate:

Actually, you’d be amazed how many guys give lousy head, and I am really easy to please. Doesn’t seem to be an issue of experience or practice, necessarily either. And it’s not the mechanics, since we’ve got the same stuff. You’d think giving at least a halfway decent blowjob would be an innate instinct.

Sadly, no.

@ManchuCandidate: I love wasabi. And a little wasabi has never hurt to get a painful yet yummy tingle going….

@Original Andrew: Hmm, does that mean that every gay guy that ever came on to me was lying when he said that a guy always, inherently, has the ability to give better head than any chick, because a guy knows what to do, having a dick and all? Thats comforting, if I had any doubts about turning them down, now I have even less.

I understand, from being a sensitive listening kinda guy, that when guys go down there on a woman and think they are giving a great gift and assume that rapture is sure to result, they are often sadly mistaken. Apparently, men vastly overrate their cunnilingual skills. I have heard this complaint from women frequently, and I don’t doubt them.

But I must say, in response, that women are not doing much in the way of education, so as to rectify this sad state of affairs. Now, I have been married for some time, and I am thinking mostly of my fumbling youth, but I have to say, despite my willingness to take direction and do anything requested, I have consistently found women reticient to provide guidance in that area. I am still largely clueless, up and down, back and forth, round and round, sucking, what, what is it? Gentle, forceful, what? what, just tell us, what? Its all good, from this end, what? What?

@Promnight: Too much. That’s taking it to 11 or 14. At least for my tastes. You don’t want to shock them into hypothermia – or at least ice cubes have always induced shivers (not good shivers) in me.

@SanFranLefty: But wasabi? Really? You opened this door.

I frequently cook with hot peppers, and that capsaicin can linger on the fingers, and never has it been suggested that this is a good thing, but wasabi? Do I misunderstand your words?

@SanFranLefty: In the converse situation, a small ice cube, held in the mouth and swirled around, is by no means too much.

@Promnight:

Actual results may vary, so I guess you’ll just have to take the next guy up on his offer and find out. Now my blowjobs, for the lucky, discerning few who’ve had the experience of course, are the kind of life-outlook-changing, earthquake-simulating, religion-converting, name-screaming, flashbulb-memory-activating events that guys replay over and over and over again even years later like a mental VHS.

The biggest prob seems to be when guys just go too turbo-speedy. It must have something to do with how they learned to jack off–swift and with the Death Grip. Dudes need to just s l o w d o w n and enjoy what they’re doing. That in itself will up their partner’s pleasure factor by 10 at least. I mean really, you’ll never hear someone say “he just did it soooo fast; it was fantastic!” NGH as the kidz text these days.

For het guys, I’m sure you’ve heard that you should just lick the alphabet, but for FSM’s sake don’t let her catch on that’s what you’re doing or Game Over.

@Promnight: I’m talking super delicate here. Like…a little wasabi left over on the tongue after a dinner of sushi. Even a hint can do wonders. Ditto a spicy dinner. Don’t need direct capascian application, especially from a hand that’s been slicing habaneros all night, but a hint on the breath can work wonders. I would in no way want to condone direct application to delicate inner parts or such.

@Lyndon LaDouche:

; )

How was your trip to the City? Successful I hope.

Have you ever been on TV? Law & Order: Original Edition seemed to have lots of theatre people back in the day. Patti LuPone Herself made an appearance as a defence attorney as I recall.

ching ching

@Original Andrew: Speaking of L&O, I applied to work on the show my 1L summer of law school as a researcher (as much as attorneys lose their shit watching the show’s misrepresentation of rules of Evidence and Criminal Procedure, there are attorneys working on the show trying to keep it honest) but unfortunately the Marxists who ran the “public interest” law program at my law school decided that my proposed endeavor was not worth a summer scholarship. Assholes. Though I must say marathons of L&O on TNT were an excellent way to prepare for the bar exam – I spent the whole summer telling Mr. SFL all the laws and rules that were being flaunted by Jack McCoy and it gave me the opportunity to truly understand what hearsay (and its exceptions) mean.

@SanFranLefty: I am gonna remember that. Now what about up and down versus back and forth? All I know I learned from Chasing Amy.

Wow. I don’t think I’ve seen this level of candor in the comments since Jnov and redmanlaw were getting simultaneously trashed online that one night. I have no revelations of my own to add, not because I wouldn’t want to share but rather I have nothing inparticular to share–my past is too vanilla. So I’ll just sit back and enjoy the show. As Tim Gunn says, carry on!

@flippin eck: That was CP’s greatest hour, what was the famous quote? My sion, you will dire?

@SanFranLefty:

You would’ve been so awesome at that!

I’ve seen so much Law & Order that I could pass the bar in NY.

And Jack McCoy must be the highest paid D.A. in the nation–he’s NEVER lost a case!

I miss the Law & Order from the early 90s–the long-forgotten Michael Moriarty/Jill Hennessy years. It wasn’t “ripped from the headlines” and was actually quite intellectually challenging. Oh and about every 3rd episode they’d lose a case, and it’d just be gut churning.

And now? WTF.

@flippin eck:

Hey it wouldn’t be Stinque After Dark without a double extra helping of TMI, right?

ching ching

@Promnight: Yes! And that was his last post before stupor/silence. As epic and mysterious as “CROATOAN” from the lost colony. A CP classic indeed.

@Original Andrew: Considering that After Dark was originally inspired by a bout of late-night thread-flirting, I find your observation entirely appropriate.

@Promnight: That’s “xion”, I believe. And I have not had more than six double Tanqueray martinis at one sitting since then.

@nojo: What happened to “Spanque”? Did the Spanx people write a cease-and-desist?

@BRB: Everyone still called it After Dark, the absense of “After Dark” confused some people, and I decided that my worries about the acronym — SAD instead of CAD — were misguided.

Even Garrison Keillor reverted to “Prairie Home Companion” after nobody cared for “American Radio Company.” Sometimes you just have to listen to the audience.

@flippin eck: Overlooked is the fact that I was posting by 8 am Mountain time the next day as my corpse walked – “comatose and walking still” as Neil Young put it in “Fucking Up.”
Hardcore.

Speaking of TMI…

Original Andrew: What I was taught about giving a guy good head, and to stop the back of the throat getting bruised. Place a hand around the shaft, and push down to the body. This tightens the skin on the shaft and makes thing more sensitive. (They will grab your head and try to face-f***K you!)

Once every thing is tight, go to town with the tongue and sucking, but keep it regular and not too fast. This helps prevent jaw lock and gagging.

Ideally place tongue over the bottom teeth, then penis in the mouth, seal with lips then open jaw. This creates a base level of suction to work with and keeps the top teeth off the shaft.

Keep the hand on the shaft busy as one bobs one’s head up and down. Stroke and squeeze! And if one finds oneself with an uncircumcised male, don’t be afraid to get the tongue in under the foreskin and lick around the head.

Gently pulling and stretching the scrotum when the entire shaft is in your mouth also helps. :)

Being ejaculate has immuno-suppressants in it, be careful about swallowing, you may end up with a sore throat.

Giving oral to women is much simpler. Just do what yer told. :) And don’t chop and change rhythm or rate. Allow the receiver to get used to it and build upon the feelings. The use of teeth on labia and clitoris depend on the individual, best avoid unless specifically requested.

SFL: I have a couple of friends that agree whole-heartedly with you about Wasabi. Another friend said that that Powdered Ginger gently patted on the labia like baby-powder, is also a nice experience. It was referred to by the person that told me about it as “instant wet”.

Although, avoid tabasco. When playing with oxidisers like Chilli, ginger, peppermint oil etc, have some milk, or cooking oil, handy to help stop the oxygen getting to the substance on yer pink bits.

( I wore the tight leather hot-pants because it was an S&M establishment. )

Damn, I missed a lot! And I was in an oversharing mood last night. Bummer.

Well, I can’t find it now, but my favorite pr0n is a homemade video called Guide to Licking Pussy or How to… something like that. And it was either on RedTube or YouPorn. It was the best thing ever.

I’ve never had the alphabet traced on my pudendum (to my knowledge), but I did get some amazing side-to-side nose action once. Basically, for me, slow and steady wins the race. Someone who cares about what they’re doing to me, about how I’m responding, and doesn’t mind taking their time can’t go wrong.

I dated this one guy with the bad habit of timing himself — he claims he once went down on me for 45 minutes. I have to take his word for it, because I really had no concept of time, but it was quite a while. And I don’t remember it being all that great even. I think he was changing up too often.

Never tried anything spicy, but in my youth, whipped cream on nipples was always a fun thing. Just watching someone take a tonguefull of whipped cream off your nipple while they look into your eyes can be very playful and sexy. And the nitrous oxide makes you feel cool and tingly.

I’ve never tried sticky stuff — I figure I wouldn’t feel like changing the sheets during post-coital bliss.

OA,
i pride myself on my oral skills, so you’ll have to give me more than BJ 101, got what you wrote covered. and may i add you are 1,000% correct when you say enthusiasm for it multilplies the fun level by 10.

prommie, yes, all those things and any other instructions you are given.

i’m facsinated that OA knows more about giving head to women than any straight man i know. sadly, my experience is they are clueless.
the only man that gave me great head was husband #2, who left me for his boyfriend where they lived happily ever after practicing law in philadelphia. so there ya go. my telepathy in action. we both worked at that firm, prommy.

lefty, for the rest of my natural life i will not be able to look at wasabi and not think of your cooter.

this feature is so educational, my fave. too bad i’m writing this at 7 a.m. i passed out early, happy hour started at lunch. wish i was weighing in drunk, i would have more innapropriate and amusing stories to share.
(ok here’s one: this was many years ago when we were living in bryn mawr. he wasn’t doing it right, so i threw shoes at his head, threw on a fur coat (yes, i wear fur. i know, i know) over flimsy lingerie, and drove 3 miles to the conshohocken holiday inn, where i sat at the bar with my coat buttonned up to the neck and fluffy slippers while banging back shots of tequilla. then checked in. i found him still in bed in the morning, and the make-up sex was awesome. i run away from home a lot)

ok kids, we have our assignments for next friday night. lets take OA’s instructions, experiment and report back here next friday night.

honey and chocolate syrup? sounds like an insect trap. were they having sex or building a hive?

RomeBoy saw an ad for this tea that makes your vadge or semen taste like maple syrup. We both agreed we like the… organic marinade the best.

Oh, and I have a thing for toe sucking. If you’ve never had the space between your toes licked, you really ought to try it once. Just once. You’ll be a convert.

@RomeGirl: Ha ha! I hear celery is supposed to make it taste “fresh,” whatever that means.

@baked: I was hoping your fur and fuzzy slippers story included a rendezvous with a man in smoking jacket with pipe.

Oh, I have made a mess with ice cream. Ben and Jerry’s Brownie.

JNOV!
you hit the nail on the ..er.. head.
listen up lickers: “don’t change up too often” and “slow and steady”
good tips from jnov!

@JNOV:
no pipe, but a man asked me why i was wearing my coat. i told him my husband didn’t know how to give head, and i was running away from home. he moved 3 seats away.

@baked: I can be used as a home teaching aid, if necessary. Free lessons and all.

@JNOV: Like the Resusci-Annie they use in CPR classes.

cheap boy,
kudos to your overshare too!
i just got sad, i’m not having sex with anyone but myself for 49 days.
as woody allen noted, hey, it’s sex with someone you love.

wait! breaking!!!! mr. can’t -keep-his-zipper-up just called and i told him what we were discussing. he said, don’t waste your time, you’re the BEST, and i’ve been SUCKED OFF BY PROFFESSIONALS!!
swear to fucking god he said that. he’s absorbing stinque-talk by osmosis.
he has no idea why i’m laughing hysterically…but he rarely does. he thinks i’m nutty. imagine that!

nojo,
about that pic project you’re working on…will we have video?
jnov is giving me ideas about future after darks……….

oh, and cheap boy? after jnov, i’d like a word with you also…..

@CheapBoy: Always good to hear from an expert.

@Original Andrew: I’ve never done TV in this country. Apart from the odd day-job on a soap. And I do mean odd. I’ve auditioned a few times for L&O but never got the job. Most of New York has worked on it at one time or another. I was once in a play with M Moriarty if that counts.

@SanFranLefty: It seems to be written by children following that iron-clad format.

i heard they have a party every year with all the people that played the L&O dead people. isn’t that fun?

@CheapBoy:

The judges are holding up the signs… and it’s technical perfection! Yay!

I’ve also found that the key to great blowjobs–and sex in general since 90% of it is cerebral–is stroking the male ego. You gotta act like that hooziewozle is the most incredible thing you’ve ever seen, and those bollocks better be more important to you than Christmas dinner (for the next 10 minutes, anyway).

@baked, @Lyndon LaDouche: :

If I were an actor, I’d be fantasizing about playing one of those bitter, eyeball-rolling, seen-it-all judges. Not too much screen time or too many lines (ex. “bail is set at $1 million dollars”), but the quips are priceless.

@Original Andrew: Fran Leibowitz is my favorite judge. I want to be her.
@CheapBoy: Well done, althe way around. Maybe you could become Stinque’s sex advice columnist? I think we could all learn a lot from you.
Too bad I was so exhausted last night I went to bed at 9 pm. To catch up with tmi:
@Original Andrew: mr cyn’s one foray into bisexuality ended abruptly when he was informed that he gives lousy head — to men, anyway.
@baked, JNOV: The first phrase that popped into my head reading Prommie’s posts was “slow and steady wins the race.”
@Prom: some head is better than others, but enthusiasm for the task makes up for a lot. ALso, humming or get going “ummmmmm” provides a nice little vibration that’s extremely pleasant.

@Original Andrew:
i want to be that judge on L&O, the woman with chin length frizzy hair? she’s on a lot, and has nothing but hilarious wisecracks to say.
i mean i want to be her in real life. that ain’t happnin.
(and who doesn’t love the senile judges? boston legal has one, and of course jack warden in ‘…and justice for all’.)

prom, you have inspired me to cook. i just made the most interesting omelet with unlikely leftovers that i would not have considered were it not for you. i love hearing about your lives stinquers, considering how our wildly different experiences led us here, and informed our decisions to hang out together in our little cyber cafe and mostly talk about OTHER people.
you are all FABulous, every one.

@Mistress Cynica:
FRAN LEIBOWITZ! that’s the one i meant!

@Mistress Cynica:
uh oh. oh cy-in! my gay husband #2 told me all about what great head he gave to guys. (said it was a law school phase). as long as it was just that once for mr. cyn, well ok then….
you would think that might have been a red flag for me. on the picking the right partner scale i’m between imbecile and terry schiavo.

@baked: He’s just adventurous, which can be a good thing, though after living in an “open” marriage, he seems to enjoy my pathological monogamy.

@baked:

When my (hopelessly straight-as-a-board) college roomie was in law school, he told me that the key to closing the deal is the ability to suck cock on command and not question your sexuality. He was a funny one; his goal was to eventually sue someone for “loss of libations,” a running gag with him and his L school bros.

I might add that just about everyone I went to college with in the 90s was bi for like 10 minutes–it was the zeitgeist.

@baked: I have a great deal of confidence in my ability, mostly because my first college boyfriend and I didn’t have sex for the first six months or so of the relationship (his decision, believe it or not), so that left plenty of time to focus on other things. Practice makes perfect, you know?

@Original Andrew:
i’m guessing i married an on command type.
the best t-shirt i ever saw said
“if you let us get married, we’ll stop marrying you”
i laughed long and mirthlessly.

@baked: on the picking the right partner scale i’m between imbecile and terry schiavo.

Me, too. Me, too. Husband #1 wasn’t too too bad. We were just a bad match, but Husband #2 would have killed me eventually. Having a Santuko knife waved around your face and neck is usually an indication that all is not well. The police took him away.

@Mistress Cynica: Ohhhhhh, the humming is very nice. I don’t care if it’s the theme to Gilligan’s Island (actually, that would be quite fun!).

@mellbell: Do you mean you didn’t have intercourse for the first six months, cuz, you know…

This is great reading. And I guess I am safe from the melamine, since I prefer all-natural cock flavor. As a lesbian comedian I saw once so wisely said, “when I’m in the mood for pussy, I don’t want spearmint”. So wise.

Speaking of the va jay jay, your HF has experience in that realm. In college I experimented with a female friend – I was a good ‘lap’ dog for a solid two hours and never even took my clothes off. She was pleased, and I fielded several invitations for a drink from some other women in my dorm. Alas, as was sort of the point of the experience, I figured out that I really did prefer the pole to the hole, and thus ended my adventures in heterosex.

My technique for eating the puss is very simple. I take orders/listen very well and usually remember what to do.

If she proves difficult (ie: makes me figure it out) I usually try a whole lot of different stuff till I get a physical response (hands push me down or she rubs up against my face.)

Of course some women are just too damned difficult to please. Longest it took me to make a woman come was 45 minutes straight (she was insistent and I was willing or so I thought.) Never believed in tongue cramps till then.

If we ever have a Stinquer convention, we’ll have to have ice-breaker getting-to-know-you games.

I propose a cunnilingus contest. I’ll be the judge. All comers welcome, and it doesn’t matter if you’re straight, gay, lesbian, bi or married. I’m totally equal opportunity, and it’s for science, y’all. Science!

@JNOV:
Really? Me thinks with After Dark, we broken a lot more than ice…

@ManchuCandidate: Heheheh. I’m just volunteering to take one for the team, Manchu. I’ve got something for your tongue, and I guarantee you won’t cramp.

As for changing the flavour of bodily fluids. Pineapple juice is your friend. Asparagus is not your friend.

@JNOV: Your self sacrifice is appreciated. And whilst I have issues with my feet (I has Hobbits feetses, broad, flat and hairy) I do love to massage feet and suck toes.

@ManchuCandidate: tongue cramps are very off-putting, so to speak, as is getting pubic hair stuck in the back of your throat. Gack!

@Dodgerblue: Between thee and me? Pubic hair is like parsley. Embarrassing to get stuck between your teeth.

Oh and don’t cough when yer down there. But blowing raspberries (or blurting) is fun, but will get you slapped.

I second the public hair thing, esp when sucking balls. Remember ABD Mike with the waxed balls? Genius!

@CheapBoy: Feet are fun! Even sucking fingers and licking in between them is fun. Everything is fun!

@nojo: “We’re sticking with Jello.” So tell us, what is your experience with Jello? And what flavor?

@JNOV: The whole getting nude and rubbing bits together is fun. Naughty, dirty, wicked fun. And it should be approached as such.

Sex is not some sacred sacrament ordained by god to create children. It’s a hormone driven frenzy, and well if ya look silly doing, yer probably doing it right.

And yes, I reckon blokes should shave/wax their balls, even if it’s just to stop that horrible feeling of sweat trickling down the hairs. Makes them more pleasurable to suck and lick.

And because pubes are coarse and dry, it does tend to abrade the tongue, making giving oral less enjoyable. It’s the whole “Do unto others” rule. Do your pubes like you’d like to have your face in.

@CheapBoy: Oh, no! That trickling sweat part made me giggle! And yes, what’s sauce for the goose and whatnot. And male pubic hair is alarmingly long. At least trim that shit. I know pubes are supposed to trap pheromones or something, but if my face is between your legs, your pheromones already got me.

@redmanlaw: Sex whilst intoxicated is a topic unto itself. Weed is good, but not to excess. Avoid acid. Too much alcohol, and you’ll be quoting the porter scene from MacBeth.

@Dodgerblue:
Heh. A pubic hair ball?

Sort of makes me thankful I had sex in the Trimmed/Shaved/Brazilian era.

@Dodgerblue: Weed is good! You guys put me in such I state that I texted ABD Mike of the waxed balls to reminisce. Unfortunately, the time diff (he’s in Sandy Eggo) messed up my plans. I was fast asleep when he called at 2 am.

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