Bigotriage: Pretending you didn’t say what you said by claiming what you said really said something else.

Drilliance: The ability to ignore the manifest practical consequences of your political positions.

Bristoleum: A shiny finish applied to virgin wood.

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Sarah Palin is not running for President.

We apologize for bringing this up, but the chatter’s been unavoidable elsewhere this week, and we’re not above sharing our pain.

She gave up any fantasy of running — if she ever entertained it — on April 3, 2009, when she abdicated the throne of Alaska. Or, to use one those folksy expressions she loves to tweet: She quit.

Ain’t no way any opponent of hers would let that one slide.

Not only did she quit, she quit so she could make a shitload of money. Which she’s proving very successful at, thank you very much. And we know how much she and First Separatist love their shopping sprees.

It’s a good life. Why clutter it with responsibility? Been there, done that.

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Kansas News 9 blows open the Shocking Story! of America’s Youth “i-dosing” on binaural mp3 files. Your Stinque Synthedelic Squad investigated a sample of iDrugs available for any child to download in cyberspace, and discovered that Steve Reich doesn’t have anything to worry about, although Terry Riley might need to step up his game.

Report: Teens Using Digital Drugs to Get High [Wired]

Two and a Half Men (CBS)
Jake watches in glee as Charlie fucks the shit out of his latest girlfriend.

American Idol (Fox)
Semifinalists sing “Fuck tha Police” during NWA Tribute Nite.

30 Rock (NBC)
Jack tells that fucking cunt to shut the fuck up.

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Crackpot “plans on raising over eight million dollars for the 9-11 Christian Center at Ground Zero”:

“I watched in disbelief… as they announced the Muslims would be building a $110 million mosque just a few blocks from where their Muslim brothers perpetrated the greatest act of terror on U.S. soil in history,” writes [Bill] Keller on the Christian Center’s official website. “After I got over being angry, I got on my knees in prayer. I knew God was calling me to do something, but what?”

• Swallow.
• Turn toward Mecca like you’re supposed to.
• Declare that Paul the Octopus is the Antichrist.

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Our best hope in the Clone Wars showed up on CNN to disown his potential constituents:

Utah Republican Mike Lee said Friday that he favors changing the way senators are elected, even as he seeks his own seat in that body.

Speaking on CNN’s John King, USA, Lee said that the 17th Amendment was a mistake, and that while he wouldn’t focus on repealing it, he does “think that we lost something when we adopted it.”

The 17th Amendment established the direct election of senators by the popular vote. Senators had previously been elected by state legislatures.

We thought we were done with this issue after Glenn Beck helpfully explained that you could use one of those rare 1913 wall phones to call your local politico about your senator, who would pass along your complaints to other politicos at the statehouse, who would then laugh in your face exercise their solemn constitutional reponsibility to put a different crook in office recall your senator from D.C. for a severe tongue-lashing.

But no, it’s not going away. Which raises the question: Where the hell did it come from?

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• Fuck their cousins.
• Leave behind piles of shit.
• Known as “sows”.

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