We couldn’t decide which audio to use for our Ultra-Repetitive Shoe-Tossing Video. So we made two.

(If the robocops censor this before morning, just imagine the best video you’ve seen in your life. Otherwise, make do with this one.)

A wave of unacknowledged miracles is sweeping the country, as untold numbers of Baby Jesuses are walking away from the nation’s nativity scenes. But rather than recognize God’s wrath against scientists for attempting to reschedule the virgin birth to June, officials are conspiring to attribute the disappearances to common thieves.

A rundown of the latest shocking reports:

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Wow, is it mid-December already? Seems like only yesterday we were at the old site. And the old-old site the day before. Time flies!

It flies so fast that we’ve been caught flat-footed during the year-end awards season — we have absolutely nothing set up to grab some cheap publicity and reader entertainment.

So, we’re throwing it out to you: We need some awards, stat. We need categories, we need nominees, we need ideas for a Tacky Photoshop Graphic to present the winners, all of whom will likely accept their accolades in abstentia.

Heck, we might even set up a voting process, although that’s something of a hassle. Maybe we’ll create a PayPal account instead, so your vote will really count. Seems the going thing these days.

2008 Golden Dukes Announced! [TPM]

This is a “Palm Pistol”. It costs $300. Perhaps because it looks like an inhaler, the manufacturer tried to register itself with the FDA as a “Medical Device Establishment,” and the pistol as a “Daily Activity Assist Device,” but even the Bush Administration couldn’t swallow that one.

So while the pistol missed its shot as the first FDA-approved firearm, it’s still being marketed as “ideal for seniors, disabled or others who may have dexterity limitations”:

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You’re not supposed to be cruising the Internet today (Tip #6), so we brought in Jack Chick to provide additional incentive.

Birds and the Bees [Chick Publications]

Day Without a Gay [Join the Impact]

Calling in ‘gay’ to work is latest form of protest [AP]

Former NRA magazine editor and “self-defense advocate” John M. Snyder celebrated last year’s Omaha mall shooting with this commemorative holiday card depicting “an armed Santa Claus defending school children from a crazed gunman.”

See Santa who just in time defends,
Classmates, teachers and their friends,
Gun-right carry laws should extend
Into our classrooms, we contend!

Snyder sends his unique creations each year to naughty boys and girls at the Supreme Court, Congress, and the White House. This year’s seasonal tableau depicts bad Barack Obama trying to wrest the spirit of Christmas the Second Amendment away from Santa-C, backed by his posse of gun owners. Barry and his “gun grabber” dawgs better hope Santa wins the tug of war, or St. Nick will pop a cap in his ass.

Omaha Murders Validate Timeliness of Armed Santa Claus Christmas Card [Christian Newswire]

Gun Rights Expert Shows Santa Opposing Obama on Firearm Rights Christmas Card [NewsReleaseWire]

You’ll pardon our very Seventies and very Northwest reference to a popular beer jingle. Because beer jingles remind us of Jingle Bells, and Northwest Jingle Bells lead to this:

Three signs that criticize atheism went on display near a Nativity set Friday, the same day someone stole an atheists’ engraving that had been placed nearby. The atheists’ placard celebrates the winter solstice and criticizes religion as myth and superstition — wording that has enraged some Christians and even irritated Gov. Chris Gregoire.

That would be the display at the Washington State Capitol in Olympia, which has given Bill O’Reilly fuel for his annual Holiday Bloviation Celebration (“It wouldn’t happen in California with Schwarzenegger”) during a traditionally slow news month. Sponsored by the Freedom from Religion Foundation, the sign reads in part, “There is only our natural world. Religion is but myth and superstition that hardens hearts and enslaves minds.”

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