Back in the Dark Ages, before the Internet, before even cable, your vegging options were limited to the handful of television and radio stations in your area. This created a problem, since while your local monopoly newspaper had four or five sections to devote to ignoring you, your local broadcaster had scant minutes to ensure your voice was silenced.

And lo, the Federal Communications Commission decreed that if a crank said something disturbing on the air, equal time must be provided to an opposing crank to say something equally disturbing.

It was called the Fairness Doctrine, and whatever purpose it once served, it was a quaint relic by the time it was dropped in 1987. It’s long since been forgotten, like the idea of serious local news.

Well, almost.

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Happy Anniversary!
Mark my words, your marriage won’t last another year.

Congratulations, Graduate!
Your degree is worthless and you’ll be a failure in life.

Happy Birthday!
Enjoy what few days you have remaining before the cancer diagnosis.

Season’s Greetings!
The time you waste on naive good cheer would be better spent digging a fallout shelter.

Happy Valentine’s Day!
Love is a poor substitute for vigilance.

Happy Mother’s Day!
You’re not worthy of me.

Condolences on Your Loss
It should have been you.

Cheney warns of new attacks [Politico]

Event		Details
	April 25 Quail Hunt	Free-range lawyers will be provided on site.
	May 16 Enhanced Interrogation Watch Party	Enjoy your favorite Gitmo moments, plus our new Blooper Reel!
	June 7 Alumni Paintball Fight	Teams from Justice and Defense compete to smear the most opponents.

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One of our favorite West Wing moments — besides Martin Sheen chewing up the scenery in Latin — involves a series of live remote interviews that President Bartlet gives to local TV morning shows.

The setup is simple: The camera light turns green, the feed is live. The light turns red, it’s safe to say what you really think about Rob Lowe’s acting.

Red, green, red, green, the segments continue. Only Bartlet misses a cue and tells a local anchor something he shouldn’t, leaving his staff to put out fires the rest of the episode.

The twist is that the “slip” is intentional. By pretending to be off-guard, Bartlet scores an important point that a conventional delivery wouldn’t achieve.

Which brings us to Rush Limbaugh.

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Punxsutawney Groundhog Club

The weird are turning pro this week, as alamatto di tutti alamatti WorldNetDaily touts shocking! new! facts! in the Wasilla church spontaneous-combustion case.

Well, just a couple. A church elder tells a blogger that the arsonist cut telephone and alarm lines before lighting the match. But police still have no suspects, nor are they speculating about the motive.

Which doesn’t prevent the blogger — Kevin “Coach” Collins of NYC — from stating the obvious conclusion: the fags did it.

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Subject		Notes	Disposition
	Lancelot II	Refused to paper-train	Terminated
	Lancelot III	Howled at Celine Dion CD	Terminated
	Lancelot IV	Chewed up Lancelot I’s bed	Terminated

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