It’s Star Wars Day at Comic-Con, the annual Sandy Eggo geekfest we’ve managed to avoid for seven years now, despite the fact we found ourself in the neighborhood the other night, amidst street banners for James Cameron’s upcoming epic disappointment.

But since we don’t want to talk about Skip Gates and the Legion of Doom, we’ve discovered instead a controversy that cuts even deeper than our nation’s not-yet-post-racial divide: an interstellar gap between fans of the original trilogy and deluded souls who prefer the simulacrum of storytelling manifested in the later abominations.

Which we’ve learned is a fancy way of saying that we’ve entered the Geezer Galaxy:

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Ladies and gentlemen, there come moments in a satirical blogger’s existence when reality is so fabulous, so divine, so fucking awesome, that no premise can hope to achieve the Platonic grandeur of the Thing Itself.

This is one of those moments:

Sarah Palin’s opponents like to throw things at her. They throw slanders at her, they throw trick questions at her, they even throw frivolous ethics complaints at her, but we need to let Sarah know: “No matter what the jackals are throwing at you, Sarah, we are throwing roses!”

On the day Sarah Palin becomes a private citizen, July 26th, we want to make sure she knows how much Team Sarah loves and appreciates her for the hard work, integrity, and VALUES she represents and FIGHTS FOR everyday. What better way to say “We love you and support you” then to send bouquets of roses? What better way to show the world that support for Sarah Palin HAS NEVER BEEN STRONGER?!

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• “I’d tell you, but then I’d have to smite you.”
• “Why is it always Latin with you people?”
• “Why don’t you download Xenu’s app and ask him yourself?”
• “Has anybody ever thought to ask whether I hear the tree?”
• “Prosperity Gospel beseechers require an upgrade to iPray Plus.”

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After minutes months of extensive googling research by our crack team of iPhone couch jockeys professional investigators, Stinque can Exclusively! reveal the Shocking! truth: Abraham Lincoln never had a birth certificate.

Despite what you’ve been told by mainstream historians, no evidence exists that Lincoln flew the chute in the United States, and was thus a natural born citizen. The only “proof” that Abe was born in Hardin County, Kentucky, was provided by Lincoln himself — just before the 1860 campaign. Clearly he was “sanitizing” his past in expectation of the presidential nomination.

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• Singlehandedly saving humanity from an invasion of giant robots.
• Drinking our twenty-seventh consecutive glass of Tang.
• Devilishly cackling from our lair in the next crater.

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Creep		Years Married	Kids	Bimbo	Quotable
	Chip Pickering	21	5	Daughter of future lobbying client	“This gives me an opportunity to have more time with my family and more resources for my family.”
	John Ensign	22	3	Campaign staffer	“Marriage is the cornerstone on which our society was founded.”
	Mark Sanford	20	4	Argentine Firecracker	“The bottom line is that he lied under a different oath — the oath to his wife.”

Another C Street Vet Falls To An Extramarital Affair [TPM]

While interviewing Weekly Standard editor Bill Kristol on his radio show yesterday, Dennis Miller suggested that…

• They compete to see who can eat the most shit while grinning.
• They compare whether political failure is easier to live down than comedic failure.
• They entertain themselves with Paul Lynde impressions.

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