See, the waitress is Joe Manchin insisting how the filibuster works, and Jack Nicholson is America asking if we can just have democracy, and, uh, that’s it, we just happened to remember this was filmed at the Denny’s on I-5 outside Eugene when we were 10, and we’re too frustrated to write anything else.

Joe Manchin: Why I’m voting against the For the People Act [Charleston Gazette-Mail]

We think it was Carlin’s. Or it might have been Robert Klein’s. Or maybe it was just low-hanging fruit, waiting to be plucked.

The premise of Charlie the Tuna — see, you know where this is going already — was that he was desperate to be chosen. Dying, even. He wanted to be good enough, make the team. Charlie didn’t want to be left behind.

But good enough for what? To be eaten, of course. That was unspoken in the commercials, which made it ripe for comedy. Just what is going on here? An anthropomorphic tuna with a deathwish?

Read more »

Do dogs get brain freezes? Apparently not.

[via Sully]

• “At noon today, I introduced the first bill of the 113th Congress to repeal Obamacare in its entirety.” —in bed!!!
• “As Americans counted down to 2013, they also counted down to five #Obamacare taxes that affect all income levels” —in bed!!!
• “Heard senators only got legislative text 10 mins before 2am vote began. How many had enough time to print out bill let alone read it?” —in bed!!!

Read more »

“It’s like OPEC. We’re not producing all the maple syrup in the world. But by producing 70 to 78 percent, we have the ability to adjust the quantity that is in the marketplace.” —Simon Trépanier, acting general manager of the Federation of Quebec Maple Syrup Producers. [NYT]

“If all 47 million food stamp recipients voted for President Obama, it would account for 75.4 percent of Obama’s 62.3 million votes.” [CNS News]

The headline:

Applebee’s CEO Threatens To Fire Employees And Freeze Hiring Because Of Obamacare

The lede:

Zane Tankel, the CEO of Applebee’s New York Franchise, Apple-Metro, is so dedicated to not spending money on his employees that he’s refusing to hire anyone new. Why? Because he might have to provide them health care.

Easy on the eggs, gang.