Honestly, we were joking when we called Bobby Jindal a child abuser. Well, no we weren’t. But we were speaking metaphorically. We weren’t accusing Our Favorite Exorcist of physically harming children.

Not like this guy.

Meet John Freshwater, a good Christian who teaches science in Mount Vernon, Ohio. His competencies include promoting Creationism, questioning carbon-dating, and damning homosexuals.

Oh, and burning crosses into the flesh of students.

He brands them scientifically, of course, using a gizmo called a “high frequency generator” to carve what he considers a highly stylized “X” — one line just happens to be significantly longer than the other. The wounds heal in a mere three or four weeks, after which the kids are free to forsake our savior and burn in hell.

But he’s a great guy, really. Just ask his friend Dave Daubenmire:

“With the exception of the cross-burning episode… I believe John Freshwater is teaching the values of the parents in the Mount Vernon school district,” he told The Columbus Dispatch for a story published Friday.

Well, yes, of course. Teaching values is what science is all about.

Ohio board votes to ax teacher accused of branding [AP]

More grim global-warming news: longer, hotter summers have forced New England fauna to conduct their mating rituals out in the open, abandoning the natural camouflage of local nightclubs.

Confirmed sightings of Sandpiperus cavortus at Cape Cod National Seashore reached a peak of 132 last year, compared to only 40 annual displays of Boffus assus prior to 2003.

Field reports include the following:

• A New Jersey family walking with children in the dunes wrote in a September 2007 letter that they encountered “several couples and then a large group of men having group sex in the nude, including oral and anal sex right out in the open,” the park service said.
• A whale-watch boat captain carrying a boatload of tourists also reported seeing 20 to 30 nude men “playing around” near Wood End Lighthouse, another letter from August 2007 reported.

The Stinque Nature Bureau would like to remind members that should you encounter these Beasts of the Beach, please do not disturb their activity, and make sure your cameras are fully charged.

Park Rangers Report Spike In Beach Sex Problem [WCVB]

Taking her place in American history alongside Ross Perot and Steve Forbes, Hillary Clinton has failed in her bid to buy the Presidency.

The populist heartthrob is writing off her personal $11 million campaign loan, while elitist tool Barack Obama is rejecting public funding to collect $265 million in special-interest money in small, unmarked bills from 3 million fatcats. “That’s change you can believe in, honey,” he told a private gathering of islamofascist terrorists in Afghanistan.

Obama’s success in gaming campaign-funding reforms by working within the system drew a stern rebuke from John McCain, whose 2000 fundraising pledge is one of the few he hasn’t broken. “I’ve already promised to disown 527 support,” said the presumptive Republican nominee while jowling off Joe Lieberman. “Now I’ll have to disown it twice as much.”

Hillary Clinton struggles with debt [NYDN]

In a shift, Obama rejects public funding [Boston Globe]

In case we haven’t mentioned it yet, we have a master’s degree — in philosophy! — and as such, we’re highly trained in the fine art of bullshit.

But we don’t hold a candle to the professionals.

So we’ll note in passing that Shrub wants to resume offshore oil drilling and suck Alaska dry, which will increase oil consumption, which will boost global warming, which will benefit shoreline property values along the new Sea of Indiana.

Or, as the Washington Post inadvertently sums up in its news-brief headlines: Bush Backs Drilling. More Floods Feared.

However, what separates the men from the ABDs is this:

“I know the Democratic leaders have opposed some of these policies in the past,” Mr. Bush said. “Now that their opposition has helped drive gas prices to record levels, I ask them to reconsider their positions. If Congressional leaders leave for the Fourth of July recess without taking action, they will need to explain why $4-a-gallon gasoline is not enough incentive for them to act.”

Left unmentioned is — well, you don’t need us to tell you. And apparently you don’t need the Times to tell you either, nor anybody the Times quotes. Because of the 1,802 words in its story, not one of them is “Iraq”.

Bush Calls for End to Ban on Offshore Oil Drilling [NYT]

Bush Backs Drilling / More Floods Feared [WaPo]

Noted exorcist Bobby Jindal is expected to add “child abuser” to his political resume over the next few days, when he signs into law a new creationism bill.

The Louisiana legislature voted 130-3 to pass the bill, which encourages schoolteachers to lie to their students. Legislators expressed concern that state children ranked only 44th and 46th nationwide in reading and math, and feared that without immediate action scores might improve.

The three dissenting legislators are being held for observation at Cypress Psychiatric Hospital.

Creationism, which seeks to prove that marketing is superior to science, preys on America’s youth by recruiting legislators and school board members to pervert young minds. Experts consider it a leading cause of bullshit in American politics.

A spokesman for God said He was vacationing in Jamaica and could not be reached for comment.

Senate sends Jindal bill on evolution [Baton Rouge Advocate]

Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Our apologies — we were taking notes for two separate posts, and somehow we got them mixed up. We hope you can sort them out.

“The more that homosexual activists wave their hijacked marriage licenses in people’s faces, the more people will say, ‘This isn’t right… What can I do about this?'” said Randy Thomasson, the founder of the Campaign for Children and Families.

“One of the things that have hurt the gay effort in California is the exhibitionism in San Francisco,” which doesn’t always play well elsewhere, said political analyst Tony Quinn.

“It’s a weird subject,” added [Kendall] Hamilton, 39, who plans to wed his partner of five years, Ray Paolantonio. “We want everybody to be free, but the image does matter… They are going to try to make us look like freaks.”

A pack of scary bridezillas took over New York City’s Times Square this week in the hope of winning $25,000 to put towards their weddings. Dressed in bridal gowns and veils, ten contestants clambered up a 10-foot cake, complete with 50 gallons of buttercream icing, in a bid to be first to the top.

Anyway, as we were about to say, anything that undermines the sanctity of marriage is an abomination and should be outlawed.

Gay couples are emphasizing low-key weddings [LAT]

Bridezillas take over Times Square [Marie Claire]

Wait… wait… okay. Dig this. It’s like, September, the Republicans are totally fucked, and they don’t even know whether the geezer will make it to November, much less January. So here’s what — dude, turn down the Phish, I’m having a major brain fart — here’s what they do.

They ditch him. Pull into a gas station, send him inside for some Sun Chips, drive off.

And then he’s like — hold on — no longer their nominee! They plug in Romney, or Colin, or Condi, or, um… Bloomberg. Yeah, Bloomberg. Dude’s fucking rich, he can buy a network to get his face out there, then flip it in November when he’s done.

I tell you, dude, I’m a fucking genius.

When McCain Drops Out [HuffPo]