Of the many, many, many metaphors available to us — well, honestly, we can’t choose. There’s the Clown Car, of course, or Stealers Wheel (ask your parents!), or Wigstock, or Usual Suspects, or…

Really, folks: This is so ridiculous, nobody’s even bothering to find Incriminating Corndog Photos yet.

So we throw up our hands and welcome you to our GOP Debate Open Thread/Cleveland Steamer. Word to the wise: If you plan on making Hair Jokes, you’re gonna have a lot of competition.

Title: “Time to Get Tough: Making America #1 Again”

Author: Donald J. Trump

Rank: 82

Blurb: “President Obama has been a disaster for this country. He’s wrecked our economy, saddled our children with debt, and gone around the world apologizing for America — as if the greatest nation in the world needed to apologize for being the land of opportunity and freedom that we were before Obama became president.”

Review: “The Republican Party morphed into the Republicrat Party way back and the ‘silent majority’ knows it. Trump may be the potential Winston Churchill true conservatives hope and pray he truly is. If he NEVER apologizes (instant death) and continues to take on the collective enemy of America, he will be the POTUS who will undoubtedly restore America to the great nation it once was. No ‘politically correct’ apologetic Republicrat can do it.”

Customers Also Bought: “The Mystery of the Shemitah: The 3,000-Year-Old Mystery That Holds the Secret of America’s Future, the World’s Future, and Your Future!”

Footnote: A Sanders-Trump race would be fucking awesome.

Time to Get Tough [Amazon]

Title: “Batman: The Killing Joke”

Author: Alan Moore

Rank: 45

Blurb: “Legendary writer Alan Moore redefined the super-hero with Watchmen and V for Vendetta. In Batman: The Killing Joke, he takes on the origin of comics’ greatest super-villain, The Joker — and changes Batman’s world forever.”

Review: “Buy this so you can see what an over-rated book looks and feels like.”

Customers Also Bought: “The Death of Superman”

Footnote: We’re going to guess that the ranking has something to do with that new trailer for supervillain dumping ground Suicide Squad — Starring! Jared! Leto! As! The! Joker! — which has the Millennial Fanboys among us soiling their DC-licensed Underoos. And while we will grant that the movie does hold pulpy promise, it exists in the same universe as Ben Affleck’s Batman, and we’re definitely reserving judgment whether that’s a universe worth visiting.

Batman: The Killing Joke [Amazon]

Title: “Go Set a Watchman”

Author: Harper Lee

Rank: 1

Blurb: “Maycomb, Alabama. Twenty-six-year-old Jean Louise Finch — ‘Scout’ — returns home from New York City to visit her aging father, Atticus. Set against the backdrop of the civil rights tensions and political turmoil that were transforming the South, Jean Louise’s homecoming turns bittersweet when she learns disturbing truths about her close-knit family, the town, and the people dearest to her.”

Read more »

Title: “Modern Romance”

Authors: Aziz Ansari and Eric Klinenberg

Rank: 18

Blurb: “In a short period of time, the whole culture of finding love has changed dramatically. A few decades ago, people would find a decent person who lived in their neighborhood. Their families would meet and, after deciding neither party seemed like a murderer, they would get married and soon have a kid, all by the time they were twenty-four. Today, people marry later than ever and spend years of their lives on a quest to find the perfect person, a soul mate.”

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Title: “A Time for Truth: Reigniting the Promise of America”

Author: Rafael Edward Cruz, billed as “Ted”

Rank: 36

Complete Blurb, Managing Not to Say Anything Specific, Especially About Canada:

Liberals love to hate Ted Cruz. The outspoken Texas Senator has a knack for getting under their skin. His quotable remarks — and even more, his principled stands on numerous national issues — have made him a political lightning rod and the most googled man in Washington.

Read more »

Title: “I Am a Bunny”

Authors: Ole Risom and Richard Scarry

Rank: 94

Blurb: “In the spring, he picks flowers, and in the summer, watches the frogs in the pond. In the fall, he sees the animals getting ready for winter. And when winter comes, he watches the snow falling from the sky… then curls up in his hollow tree to dream about Spring.”

Review: “The reader sees an adorable little bunny dressed in red overalls, leaping into the air, trying to catch one of the two-dozen beautifully rendered butterflies.”

Customers Also Bought: “The Berenstain Bears Learn About Strangers”

Footnote: It was the Strangers who taught Bunny that red overalls were kinda gay, and chasing butterflies was for sissies. Only years later, when the Wise Owls declared that the Strangers could go fuck themselves, did Bunny realize an important truth: Elaborate metaphors go off the rails really, really fast.

I Am a Bunny [Amazon]

Buy or Die [Stinque@Amazon Kickback Link]