Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Al Jaffee.

[via Comics Alliance]

Newt Gingrich, making a strong case for Stinque Asshole of the Year and a Crystal Douchebag for Lifetime Achievement, signed the Iowa Bigotry Pledge today. And while everyone’s noticing that it includes a promise to stand by Mrs. Newt III when Future Mrs. Newt IV tempts him, this part of his response caught our attention:

Defending Religious Liberty. As President, I will vigorously defend the First Amendment’s rights of religious liberty and freedom of speech against anyone who would try to stifle the free expression of believers.

Oh, you know where we’re going with this. So let’s go there:

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“A conservative Christian politician has a secret life as a sperm donor for lesbian couples — even though he has campaigned against gay marriage. American politician Bill Johnson has spent most of this year in Christchurch helping run the earthquake recovery, all the while using the online persona ‘chchbill’ to meet women who want help to get pregnant.” [New Zealand Herald]

If we had ten thousand dollars to bet, we’d start a pool among quarter-billionaires to name the results of a major annual awards presentation of which we conveniently were the sole judge, because it’s the equivalent of a buck or two to mortals, they wouldn’t miss it, and we could fund our retirement.

And wouldn’t you know, today we’re announcing the Fourth Annual Stinque Awards for Achievement in Infamy. If any quarter-billionaires would like to join our Exclusive! private pool, have your PA call our PA.

For the rest of you, the rules are simple: There aren’t any.

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TIM TEBOW TEBOWING Christmas Cards [eBay, via DodgerBlue]

Title: “Spontaneous Happiness”

Author: Andrew Weil

Rank: 75

Blurb: “Everyone wants to be happy. But what does that really mean? Increasingly, scientific evidence shows us that true satisfaction and well-being come only from within.”

Review: “This is a great book for a fan of the good Doctor and a truly fantastic book for anyone who needs real practical help finding contentment in this world without joining a cult or taking another antidepressant.”

Customers Also Bought: Twenty-five other books by Andrew Weil.

Footnote: How nice of modern science to catch up with Aristotle.

Spontaneous Happiness [Amazon]

Buy or Die [Stinque@Amazon Kickback Link]

To be fair, Mitt’s worth $250 million. So it’s like the rest of us betting two bucks.