Bob Allen – An Appreciation

bob_allenThis blog was built on hypocrisy.  Mind-boggling, in your face hypocrisy.  Vitterian hypocrisySpitzerian hypocrisy. The hypocrisy of a Larry Craig.

But we’re in trouble. The shortage of GOP assfucking scandals is now a full blown crisis.

Let’s leave Gary Aldridge aside.  He was a once-in-a-lifetime thing.  How often does a Jerry Falwell acolyte off himself while trying to get off while clad in 2 wetsuits, bound, with a dildo up his ass?  It’s like Scarlett Johansson getting her cherry popped – a beautiful thing that will only happen once.

Which brings me to Bob Allen.  He was a rabidly anti-gay GOP state politician in Florida. He was the co-chair of John McCain’s campaign in that state.  He was caught hanging around a public bathroom in a park offering to blow a guy for twenty bucks.  Bob was going to pay twenty bucks to the guy he was blowing, that is.

I will repeat that.

Bob would PAY for the opportunity to PERFORM oral sex on another guy.

And this is my point.  This sort of scandal is completely doable.  No wetsuits, no complicated knots, no flippers.  Just a Republican, a twenty, and a shitload of hypocrisy.

The GOP needs to get its act together.  How long do I have to wait for the next Bob Allen?  It’s not fair.


It’s true, we’ve all been living high on the Diaper Bubble, and now we’re scratching desperately for a Hypocrisy Bailout.

Speaking of diapers, how about the Family Research Council’s Tony Perkins endorsing David Vitter? It’s not a scandal we can feast on for a month, but in these troubled times, it might help make the payroll.

@nojo: Bob is 7.5 at best on the Stinque Diaper Scale for Sex Scandals. Aldridge is 10 – he is the gold standard to which all GOP perverts must aspire. But I fear we will never see his like again.

Where are the Cocktobers of yesteryear? *sigh*

I love that the ad-bots have randomly generated an ad for me about “Find Christian singles” for this post. Hee-fuckin-larious.

I would like to express my delight at having one of my fripperies chosen as The Tweet. This is a first for me, and I’m afraid that now my mascara is running and dripping onto the bodice of my frock.

Well now they’re out of power, there won’t be any chance of major sex scandal, or any scandal.

Who cares what powerless fools do?

@Ewalda: Don’t forget to thank the Academy, your agent, your therapist, and your fans.

To Bob, An Appreciation

And what must your faithful wife Beth have thought
Standing beside you in the cameras glare
While she showed support
For you, despite the fact
You offered to a stranger
The chance to enter
Your (presumably) prior-chaste throat
With his dusky manhood
And promised to give from your wallet
The price of two dogs, one beer, and garlic fries?

But on the other hand, whilst they are out of the lime-light, they may get up to some stupendous shenanigans which will come to light in the next election cycle.

We can only hope!

@Ewalda: Congratulations! Now please tell me WTF that tweet means.

TJ/I’m starting to find Survivorman annoying. Les bitches too much. And he’s puffy. I thought Survivorman was cancelled, but apparently the Science Channel picked it up. I’ve only seen one episode of Off the Grid, Les’s new Discovery Channel show, and his kids seem kind of pissed that he took them from their comfy home and dumped them in the woods. And living off the grid is hella expensive. But, whatevs. I used to love Survivorman and Man vs. Wild equally, but I think I’m team Bear Grylls now, even if he did eat bear poop.

@JNOV: Have you seen Dirty Jobs? I love the show.

Indeed I have! I love, love, LOVE Mike Rowe. He’s up to anything, and he’s so quick witted and snarky.

@JNOV: Geez, I dunno if it would be considered defaming the Prophet to explain. I don’t need a Fatwā death sentence pronounced on my head right now.
Gibbon’s safely dead for the last 225 years, but I’m still here.
OK, let’s say that it is from a footnote in a part of The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire that talks about Muhammed’s prodigious virility, and that the footnote has to do with the reported state of Muhammad’s dick after his death. I was forced to study the damned book as a youth, and found this particular quote both memorable and hilarious.
Yes, I’m a nerd.

@Ewalda: The word for penis in Latin is “penis”? You studied it in Latin? Impressive schooling.

@Dodgerblue: @JNOV: I love Dirty Jobs almost as much as Mythbusters and Deadliest Catch. Whilst on vacay I discovered that New Zealand TV has their version of Deadliest Catch, which involves fishermen in the Antarctic. Couldn’t understand what the shit they were saying through the insanely strong accents, I surmise it was English.

@Dodgerblue: Fucking Trojans win the Pac-10 tournie? Fuck!

@SanFranLefty: Byron made an off-hand reference in Don Juan, one of my favorite poems, its hilarious, he was an original feminist, anyway, he refers to the premier latin text that public school boys in England studied, which had all the “dirty” parts excised. But it collected all the excised dirty parts and put them all together in an appendix, so the boys could conveniently go to one source and giggle.

Vagina is latin for “sheath,” meaning “scabbard,” what you put your sword in. Indeed.

Here is alll the latin I have memorized” Veni, mater, veni celleriter, multus magnus (something I forget) apropinquat.”

@SanFranLefty: New Mexico is “on the bubble”. That means someone else that has a bigger tv market will get in and we’re in tha NIT, baby! We know that road – two wins at most and we’re gone. NCAA = one embarrassing loss to Hoothafuk State U, Reed or Bucknell.

If only I were Republican I could provide endless material for Stinque commentary. Two wetsuits and a dildo is just barely enough to ante up.

Except I don’t do kid-touching.

@Pedonator: Thats why I mostly pity these men, and the poor closeted conservatives most of all. Their life is hell. Living hypocracy, because of fear and shame, is not good for the soul.

And in the end, anyone, who has a microscope trained on them, will reveal some sin. Nobody’s perfect.

But these poor bastards, the poor men living double lives, full of self-hate because they were born into or adopted some worldview that tells them they are evil for being what they were born, no fucking wonder they are twisted.

@SanFranLefty: Yes, the Dark Side of the Force prevailed. But I don’t see either UCLA or Figueroa Tech getting out of the second round at the Dance.

@SanFranLefty: After like 10 days in steady rain, I took a bunk in a trailer park on the west coast of the south island. I’ll tell you the whole story off line one of these days. But one of the most memorable moments was watching a New Zealand TV special of great New Zealand rock bands of the ’60s in the common room off the barrack’s kitchen with everyone else who was trying to get the rot off of their feet. Antipodean hillbilly interpretations of the Beatles and the Animals and groups of that era with incidental native influences, instrumentation and interpretations. Most of us had lived so long out of doors that just seeing TV was kind of a rush.

@Promnight: Maybe, just maybe, I would feel some compassion for them if all their torment was internalized. It would be a close call.
I feel absolutely no compassion, and never “pity”, for these shitbags because of their monumental hypocrisy, and because of the damage they do by attempting to punish others for what they cannot bring themselves to face in themselves.
At some point in life (probably around the time when one stops cheating at solitaire) you align your worldview with your self. Those who cannot successfully do that and then lash out at others are criminals of the soul.

I have to agree with Ewalda. If they only kept their torment to themselves then maybe a lot of gay folks wouldn’t have to go through major hell about their sexual orientation.

@ManchuCandidate: Personally, though I didn’t fully embrace my gay until the shamefully late age of 20 or so, I did come of age in the Reagan/Falwell era and those assholes always made me want to be gay just because.

@Promnight: And in the end, anyone, who has a microscope trained on them, will reveal some sin.

True, but I’m not in the habit of making the citizenry pay for my sins. Nor do I enshrine the microscope into law. I take no pity upon the evil.

Today is the traditional feast day for St. Benedic(k), founder of monasticism and the guy who invested the liqueur, for those of you scoring at home . . .

@Ewalda: Um, I still cheat at solitaire. But then, y’all probly already knew that.

@Pedonator: Five Our Fathers, Five Hail Marys, Three Acts of Contrition, and light a candle with a suitable monetary contribution before the statue of St. Benedict. Go, and sin no more.

Mellbell must be out celebrating. Congrats to the University of Louisville Cardinals, the Big East regular season and conference tournament champions! When Rick Pitino has the players his team is a full court pressing, three point shooting whirlwind.

@Ewalda: Having been raised heathen I don’t know any of those prayers. Perhaps I’m unsalvationable.

My greatest regret is that Hell may be too hot for leather.

@Pedonator: Son, I might be able to fix things with the Almighty if you contribute heavily to our latest Building Fund. The Rectory needs a new pool and we’ve outgrown the wine cellar.

@Ewalda: Fill a hot tub with studly sexually frustrated priests and I’m there. I’m catholic in my tastes so equal opportunity for young muscled divinity students as well as more mature daddies who have that hot salt-n-peppa thing goin’ on.

I see the tweet has changed. Ah, fame is so fleeting. It seems like only yesterdayI was bathing in its glow. I relinquish my crown, and hope that all who wear it henceforth have as fulfilling a reign as I was fortunate enough to enjoy.

To be consistent in my unapropos signoffs, here is a beautiful lyric from Antony Hegarty:

I need another place
Will there be peace
I need another world
This one’s nearly gone

Still have too many dreams
Never seen the light
I need another world
A place where I can go

I’m gonna miss the sea
I’m gonna miss the snow
I’m gonna miss the bees
I’ll miss the things that grow

I’m gonna miss the trees
I’m gonna miss the sun
I’ll miss the animals
Gonna miss you all

I need another place
Will there be peace
I need another world
This ones nearly gone

I’m gonna miss the birds
Singing all their songs
I’m gonna miss the wind
Been kissing me so long

@FlyingChainSaw: And don’t forget the sheep dog trials.

They all plead not guilty…

Oh and Begosh and begorrah. Happy St.Pats day from down under!

The local councils will be hosing green vomit down the gutters until midnight I reckon.

Strangely enough, after creating various explosions and setting some interesting fires in my childhood, I find my family comes from Nth. Ireland. No wonder I know 3 ways to blow up a car from birth.

@redmanlaw: Poor St Benedict. The Irish bastard gets all the attention. B&B should have had a better marketing department.
And of course all the Latin geeks will be observing the Ides of March. Et tu, Brute?

@Dave H: The Mystery of the Seeding occurs today, followed by the Rite of the Bracketing early next week. Then the Penance of the Damned if/when my team flames out in the first round.

I’m going out to exercise to get in shape for yelling at the TV. “What, no foul? You swallow your fucking whistle, or what?”

@Pedonator: I forgot to include one detail.

The dildo had a condom on.

@Mistress Cynica: That ‘splains the stabbiness in tha air.

@Mistress Cynica: Seven and a half hours remaining for my new niece/nephew to arrive. Pi Day and Friday the 13th are already right out, though Wikipedia tells me that March 16th is the first day of the bacchanalia. C’mon, kid, make it interesting!

@redmanlaw: I think I’m in love with your wife. Three cheers for the woman who wrote this sentence:

As someone so willing to sacrifice for his country, I know Norris will turn off the tanning lamp, stop bleaching his teeth and get ready to rumble — just not here in this country.

@FlyingChainSaw: I’ll tell you my Greymouth adventure story, too. I spent two weeks in a geologic vehicle listening to a CD that was “Top 30 Greatest Hits of New Zealand” – Split Enz was responsible for three of them.

@redmanlaw: Let me add the love for Mrs. RML. And she worked in some snark about Texas, too.

Sort of TJ – Attn: California Stinquers –

Speaking of Republican assholes, this asshole from El Cajon has introduced a bill in the Assembly, AB 255, that would require Google Earth to blur all schools, hospitals, and government buildings or face $250,000 a day in fines. The sponsor admits that the bill is “fraught with undefined items and needs to be honed down and clarified.”

Mr. SFL, who uses Google Earth on a daily basis for his job, notes that it’s traditionally military dictatorships that try to blur buildings on aerial maps, and urges all Californians to write their Assemblymember and tell them what a dumb idea AB 255 is.

@redmanlaw: Read it and left a comment. May Chuck Norris join his fellow assclowns in Utah and secede from the rest of us. Enough already – let them go and enjoy their Biblical silliness. Let them have their little experiment.

@redmanlaw: Excellent. How often does she write for the paper?

@SanFranLefty: Oh boy, another crazy Californian. Maybe he’s been out in the sun too long in El Cajon.

@Dodgerblue: Who knows. I took the opportunity when I was on Tom Ammiano’s website to thank him for introducing the legislation to regulate and tax marijuana.

@blogenfreude: The side effect of your independent Utah is that the Southern Baptists and the Mormons would slaughter each other in no time. The 1857 Mountain Meadows Massacre would become the norm. Right now they happen to have the Muslim terrorist Obama and the Satanic gays as common enemies but eventually they’d be ripping out each others throats. It would be comparable to the Jewish Israelis and the Muslim Palestinians sharing a single nation and hasn’t that experiment been a rousing success.

Speaking of Israel, is it Monday there yet? I wonder if baked’s furbabies have arrived.

Thanks all for the love to Mrs RML although that honor demands I punch Dave H (nothing personal, and she’ll love the tough talk).

@Dodgerblue: Mrs RML’s column runs every two weeks in the Santa Fe New Mexican, plus occasional editorials such as the one on Michelle Obama and the right to bare arms I posted over at FB.

(Shall we tell people there’s a Meeting of Stinqy Minds in Santa Barbara the last week of March? I’m thinking pool party at that swank greenie hotel for Mrs RML’s journo friends that are also out there. )

@Mistress Cynica: It’s either early Monday (like three martini posting o’clock) or next week or something.

/slams more pre dinner wine to Metallica – “One” (inspired by Dalton Trumbo’s “Johnny Got His Gun.”

@redmanlaw: Couldn’t we just fight a duel like Rat in “Pearls Before Swine”?

@redmanlaw: I’m supposed to go to Tahoe the last weekend of March but suddenly I hear Santa Barbara’s siren song…

@redmanlaw: This may explain why I am a total cynic, Johnny Got His Gun was one of the first grown-up novels I ever read. The first real novel length books I read were Robinson Crusoe, and Swiss Family Robinson, these are why I always look forward pleasantly to the idea of the collapse of civilization and having to be completely self-sufficient, except only in a place where there are no other people. But then I started picking up any book I could find in the house, and one of my sisters had to read Johnny Got His Gun in high school (you would think it was a Quaker school, but no, it was a suburban New Jersey high school.

Its a gut-wrenching horror of a book. And I read it at 12. And got it, except the scene in the beginning where the old farmer let the soldier sleep with his daughter before he went off to war, I did not understand what was going on there.


“Now that the war is through with me
I’m waking up I can not see
That there is not much left of me
Nothing is real but pain now. . .

Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please god,wake me
Now the world is gone Im just one
Oh god,help me hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please God help me

Darkness imprisoning me
All that I see
Absolute horror
I cannot live
I cannot die
Trapped in myself
Body my holding cell”

Set to a ballad then thrash . . .

@redmanlaw: I had no idea, RML, you opened my eyes a bit, I had a stereotyped view of metal, I had no idea they were thinkers. Cool, great song.

I don’t remember too much of the man despairing, there were pages that conveyed his experience, though, pages, where he describes how the only sensation he could feel at all is the sun warming his skin, and how it slowly moved, through the day, and that was his world, feeling the sun crawl across his body as the day went on.

And I remember his complete delight at discovering a means of communication.

That novel impacted me greatly, though. I never ever believed in war, always, always, believed I would resist, dodge the draft, when I read that book, my brothers were each avoiding Vietnam, one through college and marriage, one through joining the Navy.

@Promnight: one through joining the Navy

I resemble that remark! (Or, rather, my dad does.) What’s so wrong with making a strategic decision?

@redmanlaw: Good plan. We could walk through the Botanical Gardens — a perfect time of year.

Add a Comment
Please log in to post a comment