I tried, but the snark won’t come today.  Is it relief that the country is not run by sociopaths anymore?  Dunno.  So I will post this video of Bill O’Reilly bloviating about Jessica Alba.

Caroline and John-John got a pony, and Jack got rides from Marilyn and Judith, so what’s in it for us? The new, improved White House website, which looks even slicker than the new, improved Pepsi commercials, lists the goodies Preznit Barry will bestow in the years ahead, Cornyn willing.

For one, it mentions Stonewall. By name. That’s almost as shocking as the atheist shout-out.

And while some will fuss over the fine print, the civil-rights bullet points are pretty bold:

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SanFranLefty calls this DC street painting the “tackiest Obama shit ever.” SanFranLefty hasn’t seen the Chia Obama.

And what do you suppose the terrorists were doing while Little Georgie Bush (age 7) was busy breaking things in Iraq?

(Newser) – Bubonic plague is believed to have wiped out dozens of al-Qaeda recruits at a terror training camp in Algeria, the Daily Mail reports. The epidemic came to light when security forces found a militant’s diseased body dumped on a roadside. Security sources say the plague forced the group to turn its hideout into a mass grave and flee, possibly infecting other terror cells. Some experts speculate that the deaths occurred as the cell was attempting to develop biological weapons.

But he kept us safe!

Black Death Wipes Out al-Qaeda Camp in Algeria [Newser]

We’re not sure how well this is going to work, but we’ve set up a special Inaugural Jam for our correspondents on the ground in DC (and String Bikini Theory in San Francisco), and we hope to post text messages as events proceed. This presumes we’re awake.

(Programming note: Pastor Doublewide is scheduled for 11:35 a.m., in case you need a bathroom break.)

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My cousin the Jets-hating Steelers fan mocks me with this:

I am not amused.