Your Exclusive Stinque Seven-Day Forecast

There have been many storied tactical defenses in history, to which a new member will be added this week.  Let us review them.

The Nuremburg Defense. Best summarized by the now-cliched “I was only following orders.”  Level of success: Not so good.  After this was first used, stock in Amalgamated Rope & Trap Door Co. (NYSE: CYA) hit a two-year high.

The Twinkie Defense. Did you know that eating junk food renders you helpless against the urge to engage in multiple political assassinations?  It’s true!  Level of success: Suprisingly high.

The Idiot Defense. The crown jewel of commercial magnates whose companies go toes-up — “I have no clue” as a managerial style.  Level of success: low.  One guy in the last few years — Richard Scrushy of HealthSouth, apparently got off.  Everybody else didn’t.

The Nadjorf-Sicilian Defense.  Popularlized and mastered by Bobby Fischer.  Level of success: High, in Fischer’s hands.  But, of course, Fischer went spectacularly mad.  So: use with caution, and do not combine with anti-Semitism.

The Best Defense.  In short: a good offense.  Level of success: Unreliable.  Presumes an actual defense that is worth a damn.

The Chewbacca Defense. Look at the monkey!  Level of success: despite counterintuitive underpinnings, the best strategy EVER.

So: where does the Blagojevich Defense — “they don’t have anything on me, they just want to RAISE YOUR TAXES” — rank among these giants of theory?

Well, the “me” Administration is almost over, and good riddance, as far as I’m concerned. The Bush Administration was simply 8 years of people thinking of nothing but themselves. No wonder we were unable to get together and solve any of the many serious problems facing our nation. Oh sure, some people did do some positive things in the Bush Administration — like jogging — but always for the wrong reasons, for their own selfish, personal benefit. Well, I believe the next administration is gonna have to be different. I think that people are going to stop thinking about themselves, and start thinking about him, Al Franken.

[Transcript of Weekend Update liberally — natch — edited, in light of the spirit of the thing.]

Seriously, kids: Coleman’s gonna bitch and whine, but we are looking at Sen. Al Franken for the next six years. But of course Mitch and pals are going to try to block him getting sworn in. Some sympathy, please — it’s the only way John Ensign can pick up a win at this point.

That, along with Roland Burris trying to storm the gates in order to chisel in another line on the ol’ resume? Tuesday’s going to be FUN.

WHEREAS, Israelis and Palestinians are acting like naughty little children, instead of being good little boys and girls; and

WHEREAS, it is evident neither Israelis nor Palestinians listen to their mothers, who have done everything for them —

NOW, THEREFORE, a state of momtial law is declared, effective immediately.  Accordingly, it is ORDERED as follows:

1. Israeli D. Forces is directed to get their butt in here, right now.

2. Notwithstanding Hamas’s claim as to who started it, there shall be no more hitting.

3. Pursuant to Section 307.1 of Regulation C of the Federal Dad Commission, all provisions providing for the turning around of cars are declared fully effective, and shall be strictly enforced in the discretion of the Chair of the Commission — provided that he consults with this office prior to engaging in automotive-reversal maneuvers.

4. This office finds Israelis and Palestinians to be very disappointing.

You know, Christopher Hitchens, although he is a Brit, is one of America’s greatest gasbags.  Over-inflated ego and sense of self drips from every word, whether he is fantastically wrong (his opinion on the Iraq war) or brilliant — as he was in his recent column about how the December ritual of holiday music and decorations has much in common with totalitarian regimes:

As in such dismal banana republics, the dreary, sinister thing is that the official propaganda is inescapable. You go to a train station or an airport, and the image and the music of the Dear Leader are everywhere. You go to a more private place, such as a doctor’s office or a store or a restaurant, and the identical tinny, maddening, repetitive ululations are to be heard. So, unless you are fortunate, are the same cheap and mass-produced images and pictures, from snowmen to cribs to reindeer. It becomes more than usually odious to switch on the radio and the television, because certain officially determined “themes” have been programmed into the system. Most objectionable of all, the fanatics force your children to observe the Dear Leader’s birthday, and so (this being the especial hallmark of the totalitarian state) you cannot bar your own private door to the hectoring, incessant noise, but must have it literally brought home to you by your offspring. Time that is supposed to be devoted to education is devoted instead to the celebration of mythical events.

As I was reading this, the restuarant windows, from left to right, featured glass paintings of (1) Santa, (2) a candy cane, and (3) an American flag. Yikes. Hitch FTW, on this go-round.

Nevertheless: merry Christmas, happy Solstice, you beautiful cynics.

So the only question now is when Blagojevich decides to hang it up.  A.G. Lisa Madigan wants to get him gone.  The Legislature will, at least, yank the Senate appointment by a bill — which Mr. Hair will veto or sit on for weeks, but which would put any appointment under a cloud that would give nuclear winter a run for its money.

But the story here is that Michael Madigan, the House Speaker (fist of iron, as most leaders of state legislatures are) is apparently wavering on passing articles, in a supposed move to promote Lisa’s image.

How these people act just fascinates me. Who says nepotism is dead?

Anyway: my guess is that Gov. Blagojevich, after much soul-searching and prayer, will decide this week that the best interests of the state require that he step aside.

And now, if you will excuse me, the nurse is bringing my nightly medication. Laters.

Barry, on MTP this morning:

“You know, the days of just pork coming out of Congress as a strategy, those days are over.”

Everyone who honestly believes that, raise your hands. Not all at once.

The only question is whether Black Eagle keep the rush for pork to sub-Wal*Mart levels. I reckon it is fifty-fifty.

(Mind, however, that I’m all for the massage seats on CTA buses and trains. Thanks, American Taxpayer!)

Boy. If Hillary becomes SecState, the conflicts between Bill and Barack are going to be AWESOME.

(Note: no Forecast next week. I’m sure you’re all crushed, obviously. But: I’ll be in London, on my first honest-to-God vacation in a year-and-a-half.)