We don’t hand out Crystal Douchebags lightly. The awesome mystery of our most prestigious award is not just who will win, but whether anybody deserves the honor in a given year. Two-time Golden Anal Pear winner Joe Lieberman is an audience favorite, but are we letting recent events color our judgment? Sarah Palin seemingly has no achievement to speak of — besides losing and quitting — yet even her tweets command close attention. And what about Rush Limbaugh? He has no official power, and never will. Is he even worthy of consideration?

And the winner is…

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So many assholes, so little time. Joe Lieberman and Sarah Palin share the distinction of being two-time finalists for our highest annual honor, this year for their stellar work undermining healthcare reform. Last year’s Crystal Douchebag winner Dick Cheney should have been retired from the Stinque Awards, but like a quarterback who can’t quit, he kept trying to relive past fearmongering glory. Future Crystal Douchebag nominee John McCain continued to make his past indiscretions a mere footnote to his present assholery. And newcomer Joe Wilson made the finals with just two words — a stunning achievement in rectal efficiency.

And the winner is…

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For a year without wide stances, it was a surprisingly strong field. The Tiger Woods story unfolded like a classic noir movie, with new twists emerging by the day. John Ensign needed his parents to pay off his mistress. Mark Sanford got caught at the airport following a visit to his Argentine firecracker. And Carrie Prejean went from “opposite marriage” to solo performance art.

And Rod Jetton? You don’t know him by name, but “Green Balloons” should be adopted as a safe word by all right-thinking Americans.

And the winner is…

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Funny story: As soon as the award categories were announced, we got calls from reps for Bobby Jindal and Michael Steele, insisting they be named Teabag finalists. But they’re not really wingnuts, we explained. No matter, said the reps — they want to be seen as wingnuts. Fine, we said. Soon as the funds show up in our account, they’re in.

But there’s a difference between monitoring a volcano and being one. Just ask Chuck Norris, who will tell you that the only thing between the Virgin Mary and an abortion was a blessed lack of socialized medicine two millennia ago. Or Orly Taitz, for whom not only is the trial out of order, but the judge, the appellate court, and the entire judicial system.

And the winner is…

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It says something about feminism that women became the face of the Republican Party this year. And it says something about us that we somehow managed not to call them all bitches at one point or another.

Consider the temptations: Sarah Palin dropping Death Panels into the healthcare debate. Michele Bachmann dropping conspiracies into the Census. Virginia Foxx dropping racism into just about every sentence she uttered. And Liz Cheney just dropping in.

And the winner is…

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It’s hard to imagine a Mylar Gasbag without Bill O’Reilly. Or Sean Hannity. Yet they’ve both been so overshadowed by Glenn Beck, it’s also hard to imagine what Fox News was like without him.

Much easier to imagine Fox without Lou Dobbs — America’s other Great Orange Satan — since Geraldo Rivera swears he’ll start throwing chairs if Lou shows up at the door. Lou shows up here because of his fabulous descent into birtherism, as well as his ongoing efforts to upstage Pat Buchanan in anti-immigrant demagoguery.

Rush Limbaugh gets a seat at the finalist table for starting the year wishing Barack Obama fails — and not having to take it back. And just to prove the Mylar Gasbag is all about attitude, not just political slant, we’re sharing the love with Chris Matthews, who’s so fucking annoying that we challenge ourselves every day to turn on the tube a split-second before Beethoven’s Ninth starts.

And the winner is…

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The Awards Committee had a difficult time narrowing down every government and multinational corporation on Earth to just a few finalists. It was ultimately decided that the only way to do justice to the hundreds, if not thousands, of worthy nominees was to select a few organizations as representative of their fields.

And thus we honor America’s Health Insurance Plans, representing the well-heeled forces arrayed against healthcare reform. Blackwater/Xe, fronting for the American mercenary industry. ExxonMobil, keeping climate-change deniers well-fed. And the National Organization for Marriage, whose goal is to prevent marriage wherever possible.

And the winner is…

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