We may not be able to point out their countries on a map, but we know international talent when we see it — at least when it’s able to penetrate the near-impermeable barrier of American media. So until the last foreign bureau lays off the last journalist, we pay tribute to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who managed to steal an election and spark a revolution; to Silvio Berlusconi, who shows us how dangerous Rupert Murdoch could be; to Hugo Chávez, whose claim to fame here is not sharing books with Barack Obama, but setting off wingnut alarms whenever his name is mentioned; and Muammar Gaddafi, who still hasn’t finished his UN speech.

And the winner is…

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Fuck Neil Patrick Harris. Just fuck him. He promised he’d have this great song-and-dance number to open our show, and he’s nowhere to be found. Did he get the fucking memo? Does he know we’re starting at seven in the morning, and not seven at night? Does he know the Today producers just told us to fuck the satellite feed if we can’t get Harris on camera stat?

Shit. You — yes, you, hauling that crate of awards. Do you tap? No? Fuck.

Well, um — oh, hi! Welcome to The 2009 Stinque Awards for Achievement in Infamy! We have a great show planned for you today, just as soon as — well, just as soon as you imagine it! Yes, we’re reviving the glory days of radio, so close your eyes, click your heels, and let’s get started!

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Despite a busy year, the categories for the 2009 Stinque Awards for Achievement in Infamy are fewer than expected. The Nominations Death Panel considered many worthy submissions, but kept in mind our arbitrary rule: You don’t get an award for showing up. Only races where multiple nominees are expected were included in this year’s list.

To vote for an award, or threaten to undermine the process unless your pissant category is included, simply write a comment. Because these are qualitative awards, ballot-stuffing has no effect. On the other hand, judges can be bought, especially via our Amazon Kickback Link and Stinqueria purchases. It’s the American Way.

Winners will be announced next Monday, December 28. Which means we’ll be doing a lot of head-cropping next Sunday.

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If you had asked us on January 1 whether in this first year of our post-Troubles era we would still have a need to celebrate the cretins, mountebanks, and nincompoops of American culture and politics, we would have told you to shut the fuck up, our hangover is killing us.

But the depths of human nature remain unplumbed, and so it is with great pride and no little trepidation that we announce the Second Annual Stinque Awards for Achievement in Infamy.

What makes ours different from other year-end blog fillers? You do all the work!

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