Your United States Geek Squad Cyber Command has unveiled a new logo, and embedded in one of its golden rings is a tired Gandalf reference secret code you’re invited to decipher:

9ec4c12949a4f31474f299058ce2b22a

This is usually the moment where we sit back and, between earthquakes that annoy the shit out of us when we’re trying to master embedding a WebView in a navigation-bar iPhone app so we can display styled text in the damn window, let our mind roam over the universe of whimsically amusing responses, selecting ten candidates to keep you company until we wake up and discover what crazy shit Michael Steele said today.

Only Wired’s commenters already grabbed all the good ones. So we’ll just steal theirs.

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Left to right: woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman.

Not shown: sexist prick.

Women of The Daily Show Speak [Daily Show]

Outrage World: How feminist blogs like Jezebel gin up page views by exploiting women’s worst tendencies [Emily Gould/Slate]

The Man Show [Stinque, June 24]

If you heard Monday that July 5, 2010, was the date set by Doc to fire his DeLorean into the future, you were the victim of a cruel hoax designed to prove you don’t have a DVD on hand to easily double-check the claim and should be pitied.

Back to the Future hoax sparks memory trip [Perth Now]

As our longtime unindicted co-conspirators know, Stinque World Domination Headquarters is conveniently located across I-5 from the Sandy Eggo Airport, which allows quick travel to our Pacific Dead Volcano Island when we need to launch nukes at alien invaders.

Another benefit is that the top of our hillock affords a nice view of Sandy Eggo’s annual Blow Shit Up Celebration, when the natives detonate thousands of dollars of synchronized explosives to appease the Area Earthquake Demons. This year we could see five simultaneous demonstrations from our vantage point, since last year’s paltry threesome clearly made the Area Earthquake Demons angry.

There had been talk of sacrificing a few virgins as well, but virgins haven’t been seen in Sandy Eggo since the Prop 8 stadium prayer meeting in 2008.

One of the strangest teabagger issues this year — which is quite an accomplishment, considering — has been the disdain for the Seventeenth Amendment.

You know the one — actually, you don’t. It’s not the Fourteenth, which you would expect a bunch of fucking retard racists to oppose. It’s not even the Sixteenth, which provided black helicopters to the IRS, soon as black helicopters were invented.

No, it’s #17 on America’s Top 27, the one that undermined our entire system of government: “The Senate of the United States shall be composed of two Senators from each State, elected by the people thereof, for six years.”

That’s right, comrade: Direct election of senators.

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Back in philosophy days, one of our professors liked to talk about crabs. No, not those crabs. Real crabs. The kind that end up in a bucket when you’re hunting for them.

And the kind that stay in the bucket when you drop them in.

The deal about crabs wasn’t that they wouldn’t try to escape. Instead, if a crab got a mind to crawl out of the bucket, another crab would reach out and pull him back in.

Crabs, you see, didn’t want other crabs getting uppity.

We heard this story in the mid-Eighties, around the time Saint Ronnie was scolding po’ folk for being po’. It was their own damn fault, you see, and our responsibility as Conscientious Americans was to keep them in the bucket. If we lend them a hand — say, with financial assistance — well, we’re just making matters worse.

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Our guest columnist this morning is The Onion, for reminding us why we haven’t been able to listen to NPR for twenty years, even if we did slip in a Duck’s Breath gag Monday.

And no, we don’t know what makes a three-year-old piece suddenly relevant, but Kottke linked to it, and Kottke’s on the Time 100 list of Blogs That Aren’t Stinque, so he must be doing something right.

CHICAGO—Producers of the long-running Chicago Public Radio program This American Life announced Monday that they have completed their comprehensive 12-year survey of life as a modern upper-middle-class American.

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