So we’re watching SNL — no, not the sketch where they beat Family Guy to the network-promo gag — and some prescription drug commercial comes on, and as the soothing announcer recites the side effects, we start dreading whatever disease would require suffering these consequences:

Sleepwalking, and eating or driving while not fully awake, with amnesia for the event, as well as behaviors such as being more outgoing or aggressive than normal, confusion, agitation, and hallucinations have been reported. Don’t take it with alcohol as it may increase these behaviors. In patients with depression, worsening of depression, including risk of suicidal thoughts or actions may occur.

Not to mention an unaccountable urge for demon wieners.

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Fresh from their close encounter with toaster demons, WorldNetDaily is back above the flag with a shocking! revelation that will cause you to question the very nature of life itself.

And once again, we must advise you to sit down and move all sharp objects beyond your reach. We cannot accept responsibility for your behavior once you learn the shocking truth:

John Lennon made a deal with — the Devil.

We know! Totally unexpected. But it must be true, because somebody wrote a book about it — somebody who after careful study reached the conclusion that there’s no other possible explanation for the success of the Beatles:

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There are reasons why some people would prefer that certain photos not enter the public record. Seeing them would only compel action.

Obama seeks to block release of abuse photos [AP/TPM]

Tape shows JFK fumed over rights pressures [AP/USA Today, 2005]

Birmingham campaign [Wikipedia]

Well, of course a story with “zombie ants” in the headline is going to attract us. And of course the details of interspecies insect carnage are going to gross us out. But here’s the thing: We can’t help reading it.

Nor can we help sharing it. Please — please — swallow your coffee before continuing. And if you know Sam Raimi’s number, dish.

Ready? We’re serious: Are you ready to have any and all proximate meals ruined? Okay, then. Strap in!

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A. “Do you want to go down the road of Nigeria and corruption and have a country in which, as long as he’s popular, he can break the law?” (Newt Gingrich)

B. “Presidents are not ordinary citizens. They are extraordinary, in that they are vested with so much more authority and power than the rest of us. We have a right; indeed, we have an obligation, to hold them strictly accountable to the rule of law.” (John McCain)

C. “Under the Constitution that we swore to defend, these are serious crimes, crimes that our constituents would go to prison for. And do we hold the president, the top-ranking law enforcement official in our country, to a lower standard?” (John Boehner)

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If you visit Larry Klayman’s Freedom Watch website, you’ll find the usual complaints about “a new Obama-Clinton regime that is using the economic crisis as an excuse to turn our nation into a socialist Euro-style welfare state,” the usual proclamation of “true American values,” the usual anti-immigration paranoia.

What you won’t find is Klayman’s certainty that the government is covering up UFO evidence.

Which wouldn’t be news, except that wingnut digest and teabagger enabler WorldNetDaily made that its top story Sunday. And Klayman’s claim to fame is founding Bubba-stalker Judicial Watch.

Upon which everything suddenly makes sense. It’s like discovering that the Smoking Man is Mulder’s father.

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Seeking to disprove the notion that he can’t even get himself arrested, Alan Keyes is in South Bend, Indiana, today, brandishing bloody dead-baby dolls to demonstrate his commitment to opportunistic self-promotion.

The occasion is Barack Obama’s upcoming commencement speech at Notre Dame, itself needing a distraction from holding the NCAA record for consecutive bowl-game losses. The announcement of Obama’s visit quickly became a political football (you’re welcome!) when anti-abortion groups declared that a Catholic university shouldn’t be hosting a man who feasts upon the blood of the unborn between trips to the hamburger joint.

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