As Bill O’Reilly says, sort of, Candidates Rise, Candidates Fall. They always rise, and always fall. And as Newt is now discovering, you can’t explain that.

So who is now on the rise? (Hint: It sure as hell ain’t Former Senator Frothy Mix.) Why, none other than the man who bestowed the 2008 campaign with one of History’s Greatest Visual Metaphors! The Blimp is back, baby!

Which makes us more than usually shitfaced drunk pleased to welcome you to our GOP Debate Open Thread/Balloon Boy Revival. Because nothing says “love” like spelling it backwards.

Our favorite line about Newt Gingrich is that he’s a stupid guy’s idea of what a smart guy sounds like. And sure enough, his Towering Intellect is a major factor in Newt’s Not-Mitt Surge: Finally, somebody who can take on that empty-suit teleprompter jockey!

Never mind that the Teleprompter Jockey handily faced down a room of dimwit Republican congresscritters a couple years back. If you’ve forgotten how joyous that was, don’t worry, you’ll remember next fall.

But for now, join us in our GOP Debate Open Thread/Newtapalooza. In Newt’s America, we’ll all be cleaning toilets.

No, it’s not a debate. That would be coarse. It’s actually a series of speed dates conversations between Mike Huckabee and some of the surviving GOP candidates. And we’re holding a Cartoon Cavalcade/Open Thread because it’s only 5pm in Sandy Eggo, so what the hell.

What kind of jerks would schedule a GOP Debate for Tuesday night of Thanksgiving Week? That would be the Heritage Foundation, the American Enterprise Institute, and CNN.

And what kind of jerks would celebrate it with an Open Thread/Turkey Shoot? That would be us.

We know you have better things to do on Saturday night. We, on the other hand, don’t. And besides, this year’s crop of candidates is so proudly ignorant of the rest of the world, their foreign policy consists entirely of (a) Keeping Messicans out, (b) Giving Israel history’s greatest blowjob, and (c) Retro Yellow Hordes.

And hey, after Iraq and Afghanistan, who can blame them?

So it’s with Fear & Loathing that we welcome you to our GOP Debate Open Thread/Border Patrol. Remember, if you can pronounce it correctly, you’re immediately disqualified.

Our guest columnist has an adorable habit of divorcing wives on their sickbeds.

There’s no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate. And what I can tell you is that when I did things that were wrong, I wasn’t trapped in situation ethics, I was doing things that were wrong, and yet, I was doing them…

I found that I felt compelled to seek God’s forgiveness. Not God’s understanding, but God’s forgiveness. I do believe in a forgiving God… And I do feel, in that sense, that God has given me, has blessed me with an opportunity as a person.

Gingrich Says God Forgave Him [Political Wire]

You would think that whatever the formal topic of tonight’s GOP debate, the real topic will be Herman Cain!’s special way with the laydeez. But we’re being told by Professional Chatterers that the expected gangbang may not happen — everybody but Mittens wants the Hermanator’s supporters, so they’ll go light on his indiscretions.

Let’s hope the experts are wrong, because we have four beers teed up for tonight’s Open Thread/Subtextathon, and it would be a shame if we only get through three of them.