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“Welcome to our newest grassroots Web site, Republican For A Reason.”

Presented by the Republican National Committee, where the only grassroots you’ll find are putting greens.

And featuring Ronnie, George I, and — not until 2:50 in — Shrub.

Because the best way to inspire a new generation of voters is to run footage of presidents from before they were born, before they paid attention, or whom they resent.

Republican For a Reason [RNC]

While most of the media has decided it’s time to start ignoring Joe the Plumber, who is the most famous person in America or maybe even the whole universe, I will continue to follow him because I am a starfucker.
Joe’s official website is up. It’s called SecureourFreedom.com, which sounds exactly like many of the empty slogans that have marked the last eight years, but is different because the web site is awesome.  I highly recommend you visit every day.

Joe’s web site, which appears to have been developed in 1995, has exciting sections like, “Joe the Forum”, which is empty, “Joe in the Media” – empty- and Joe the Blogger, which is empty except for an add for Joe the Plumber’s forthcoming book. The book, called “Joe the Plumber: Fighting for the American Dream”, is ghostwritten by Samuel J. Wurzelbacher and some other no-name, and is also available in the “Joe the Shopper” section of the site. To make a long story short, Joe the Plumber is the most dynamic innovator on the internet and he is the real change we can believe in. [Secureourfreedom.com]

. . .all I know is that a simple question has turned my life upside down and more people know about me than Obama,” claimed the ordinary-looking American, wearing sports pajamas and T-shirt.

I couldn’t tell you what Sports Pajamas are, but Joe the Slumber Party Guest thinks he’s still a big deal, because he is more of an Important American Celebrity than President Elect whatshisname (it’s something foreign sounding, I think, like Balack Balamawama).  Wurzelbacher plans to set up an Internet Web Site -for which job he’s already nailed the wardrobe- that will serve as both a political watchdog and a charity.  While I would say that these are not very new niches to be exploiting, none of the existing web sites are attached to the very famous name of Samuel Joe the Plumber; he will obviously make millions off this charity business idea.

I don’t know what they would do with that kind of money, but I know what I will do with that amount. I will give more of the money to various charities for various noble causes because I am a modest and simple-living person and love to spend my fortunes on missionary things.

Yes, these are actual quotes.  And yes, Joe the Plumber will now redistribute wealth to missionary things, which is dirty. He is in the tank for Socialist President-Elect Balamalama. Read more »

Now it can be told: The shocking truth behind our nation’s zombie-fighting efforts:

Vampires arrived in the United States with the first European settlers and followed the general population shifts of Americans in the early days of the Republic. During this time, fighting vampires was a task left to individual bounty hunters and local militias known as the Vampire National Guard.

As the country grew and became increasingly urbanized, a more ambitious vampire abatement program became necessary. The Copper Creek Seige of 1855, in which vampires took over an entire California mining town, underscored the country’s need for an organized, well-trained force to combat the growing plague. The Civil War delayed implementation until 1868, when President Ulysses S. Grant officially formed the Federal Vampire and Zombie Agency.

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Don't Even Touch Him! Or He'll Bite Your Face!

Whining Psychopathic wife-abandoner and raging superannuated 2-year old John ‘Psychogeezer’ McCain was legend for attacking colleagues. women, people in wheelchairs, really anybody who got in his way.

No one really knew, however, how tightly sprung his triggers were.

Do you have to approach him or would a look or an injudicious fart across the room from him set off on a face-biting paroxysm?

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We can’t decide whether the birds represent questions and Tippi is Talibunny, or whether the birds are Talibunny’s answers and Tippi is us. Either way, grab some potent potables, because we’re all playing Jeopardy in tonight’s VeepSqueak Liveblog/Open Thread/Suicide Pact!

As usual, the rules are simple: Find every excuse you can to drink. You’ll be better off tomorrow with a hangover instead of the soul-destroying realization that she could be President in four months.

And no, we haven’t forgotten Plugz. We’re just ignoring him. Like the rest of America.

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