Monkey caught after running loose in Toronto Ikea store . Not known how monkey, clad in shearling coat, got in #ikea

— CBC News Alerts (@CBCAlerts) December 9, 2012

First Bad Santa, now this. But hey, it’s an easy way to start the week for Stephen Colbert’s writers.

Our guest columnist is Senator Tom Coburn, criticizing what we think is an excellent use of government funds.

One notable training-related event that was deemed an allowable expense by DHS was the HALO Counter-Terrorism Summit 2012. Held at the Paradise Point Resort & Spa on an island outside San Diego, the 5-day summit was deemed an allowable expense by DHS, permitting first responders to use grant funds for the $1,000 entrance fee. Event organizers described the location for the training event as an island paradise: “the exotic beauty and lush grandeur of this unique island setting that creates a perfect backdrop for the HALO Counter-Terrorism Summit. This luxury resort features over 460 guestrooms, five pools, three fantastic restaurants overlooking the bay, a world-class spa and state-of-the-art fitness center. Paradise awaits…”

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Fred and I hit a deer on hiway 136 south of Dyersville. After I pulled fender rubbing on tire we continued to farm. Assume deer dead

— ChuckGrassley (@ChuckGrassley) October 26, 2012

Our guest columnist is Nixon speechwriter William Safire, preparing a worst-case presidential statement for July 20, 1969.

Fate has ordained that the men who went to the moon to explore in peace will stay on the moon to rest in peace.

These brave men, Neil Armstrong and Edwin Aldrin, know that there is no hope for their recovery. But they also know that there is hope for mankind in their sacrifice.

These two men are laying down their lives in mankind’s most noble goal: the search for truth and understanding.

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“Police in China’s Zhejiang province were searching for a man’s penis after he reported that it had been stolen while he was sleeping. ‘I was so shocked I didn’t feel a thing,’ said the man.” [Harper’s, via @JC_Christian]

Pandaazzz! At the Sandy Eggo Zoo. The unwashed masses insist that Stinque Overlord Nojo make a day trip to the zoo (tax write-off, natch), to see how Butterstick 3.0 is doing. Besides, dear hamster, it will do you good to go outside for more than a cigarette and langostino burrito down the road. The fucking iPhone app will still be there waiting for you to program it when you come home.

Our guest columnist only serves Diet Coke.

Friend,

There’s no better way to kick off the beginning of summer than a road trip across our beautiful country. And who better to hit the road with than supporters.

That’s why I’m saving two seats on the bus for supporters like you.

The campaign bus is warming up to hit the campaign trail soon. Want to have a chance to join us?

Donate $5 today to be automatically entered for the chance to join me for a day on the road.

Hope to see you soon,

Mitt Romney

[via email]