Last Tweet For a While …

Remember the very-married Bible-thumping actor who hit on the lovely model Melissa Stetten (@MelissaStetten)? Here’s his last tweet of that day:

Brian Presley@Brian_Presley
@JoelOsteen has changed my life! God wants to do amazing things with our life! Choosing Gods way isn’t always the easy way!

Osteen, in case you didn’t know, is a very rich minister, known for bilking his flock. [Buzzfeed]


What I like best about this post is the comeplete and utter absence of a headline.

Add: Never mind.

@Tommmcatt May Just Have Some MJ In His System As Well, So What?: when I blog using Chrome things disappear sometimes – forgot my original clever headline, so you get what’s above.

Speaking of complete and utter absences, I’m contractually forbidden from telling you about the contract I just signed, and how what I watch on TV will decide the fate of corporate empires.

@nojo: Ohhhhh! So when will you break this nondisclosure thing?

@I’m passing for white: Apparently I’m not supposed to tell anybody that I’m a Close Personal Friend of Harry Nilsson until a year after we break up. But doing some rough math, it appears somebody’s getting $150 every time I watch a commercial in the evening.

Or, if you want to work it another way, I’m worth .004 of a Very Valuable Point. Too late for Community, but whatever.

And too bad AMC won’t let me stream last season’s Breaking Bad before this season starts. I could have, y’know, helped them. #WeAreThePointZeroZeroFourPercent

@blogenfreude: Season 4 is DVD-only, and there’s no way to get everything before Season 5 begins. So I’ll just wait until Season 5 is available next year, and AMC won’t see my extremely valuable .004 in their ratings.

@nojo: Not always easy to avoid the spoilers, but it can be done. I did it with Lost and now wish I’d known how horrible the last 3 seasons were. But trust me – Season 4 of BB is worth waiting for …

@blogenfreude: I can wait. AMC will still get my .004 with Walking Dead.

An explanation of the calculation: There are approximately 25,000 Friends of Harry Nilsson around the country. Each Friend automatically reports to Harry every night, and the next morning Network Executives Across the Land (not counting the middle parts) enjoy reactions ranging from upset stomachs to heart attacks.

Network Executives are graded on Points, and these days Points tend to be in the low single-digits. The average prime-time rating last year was 3 points; cable averages much lower.

While a Point is supposed to represent 1 percent of American TV households, it literally represents 250 Friends of Harry. So I, in my godlike manner, will soon speak for 4,635 households who aren’t Friends of Harry.

Bonus points: Since I’m no longer in the 18-49 target demo, I’m really going to fuck things up.

Osteen’s father was also a crook. Back in the day, my mom worked for a lawyer who had a nice little old lady for a client. [She used to bake me a sweet potato pie whenever my mom went out to visit her on business.] She started going to that “church” of his and his minions began working on her the minute they found out she had property. Eventually, they convinced her to change her will to leave the house and adjacent land she owned to the “church.” My mom and her boss were so pissed because they could see what was going on, but she completely believed in those assholes.

The Osteens can suck it, the whole lot of them.

. . . in deference to my friend Dave – George Carlin said God always needs money.
However, George further commentated that “everything he ever makes . . . dies.”

I found season 4 of Breaking Bad at Fry’s in Dallas Tuesday for $19.99. Why wait?

In other news from the Department of Jeebus, another megachurch minister in trouble.

@nojo: Please at least watch the hell out of that 13-episode season of Community this fall? Please?

@flippin eck: Maybe, if I can catch up by then. I actually like Dan Harmon — first came across him years ago with his Channel 101 project.

Bear in mind, I still don’t help the demographics. If you’re not 18-49, you can eat shit. Or watch CBS.

@nojo: My family was part of the Friends of Harry when I was a wee lad. Rocky and Bullwinkle reruns got a big boost from me.

@nojo: So, if you have a DVR and fast forward the commercials, do they still get paid?

@I’m passing for white: I don’t have a DVR, so I don’t know the details of that. Harry does tally DVR viewings within a week, but I’m not sure what counts.

The funniest part about all this? Somebody just shows up at your door. No advance mailing, no phone call. I thought the Nice Lady was going to hand me Watchtowers after she knocked.

I don’t think she’s from the NSA…

@nojo: Ha! Okay. That would not only creep me, but I wouldn’t believe her. Home invasion is no joke, man. The NSA. Don’t get me started.

@nojo: Jr. wants to know if you’re getting paid. I told him it was a status thing. He said, “If some asshole is getting $150 every time I watch a commercial, I want some HBO.”

@I’m passing for white: I get something like $250 once it’s all set up, then — wait for it — a dollar a month afterward. Plus the occasional gift from the dollar store.

The $150 is my own calculation, based on average network prime-time ad rates for 30-second spots, divided by the number of Friends of Harry, and so on. (I did a lot of research last night…) It’s not that they get an immediate toll, but I control $150 of what they’re able to charge.

The value to me? Sheer amusement. I’ve heard about this all my life, and I’ve always scoffed at folks who rally viewers behind a show when watching it doesn’t count.

Only now it does. Literally.

@nojo: My brother was recently “scientifically selected” by Nielsen Nilsson to complete a survey (compensation: two whole dollars), which qualifies him for future selection as a TV diarist. If there was a knock on the door which got the whole ball rolling, he didn’t mention it.

Presley is denying her accusation – my question is why would she make this shit up? She’a model who works steadily, and this isn’t going to drive her price up.

@mellbell: Years ago I think I received an Arbitron radio diary in the mail, but that’s the extent of it.

In this case, the Personal Visit seems to be required because you have to sign some paperwork, plus the Personal Visitor needs to make sure you have a TV and don’t plan on moving for a few months. Installation is a hassle, requiring a special appointment; better to scout the patsy in person first.

@blogenfreude: Well of course he’s going with the standard “she’s a crazy slut” defense. What else has he got?
On the other hand, her picture showing him with the shades open on a red eye is proof positive he’s a douchebag capable of absolutely anything.

We were a Nielsen family for a week last month. No advance phone call, the diary and FOUR whole dollar bills showed up in the mail. It was a very good week for the Daily Show, Colbert, Nate Berkus and the old movies on TCM.

@BobCens: Growing up Catholic I can still remember Father Wagner yelling at the congregation that they’d better show up at the summer picnic and they’d better bring a lot of money.

@nojo: You have seen my glasses, right? NASA Geek, not Mad Men.

@nojo: In the early ’90s, they hit me up in SD.

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