Trust me – if you follow the instructions, wonderful things happen:

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Photos after the jump:

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The Epistemological Wonderland that is Weinergate continues its incredible journey through uncertainty with today’s story from Rupert Murdoch’s The Daily iPad app:

But according to data provided exclusively to The Daily from TweetCongress.org, a nonprofit website that captures each member of Congress’s Twitter feeds in real time, the shot seen round the world was transmitted using TweetDeck — a popular Adobe desktop application that links up with social networking sites. A review of Weiner’s Twitter stream from May 27, the day of the crotch pic, shows that Weiner had been posting only from TweetDeck — one of many ways to post messages to Twitter — that entire night.

If you’re not familiar with the Twitterverse, TweetDeck is one of the most popular third-party Twitter-posting apps — so popular that Twitter itself just bought it. It’s like providing the damning evidence that Weiner drove a Chevy.

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“This news anchor for Russian Canadian Broadcasting can’t keep herself from bursting into laughter while reporting a story about…”

No, wait. Let’s hold back that detail for a moment. Presuming you don’t know Russian, you have to appreciate it in the abstract.

Okay. Ready?

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Title: “The Secret Knowledge: On the Dismantling of American Culture”

Author: David Mamet

Rank: 60

Blurb: “My interest in politics began when I noticed that I acted differently than I spoke, that I had seen ‘the government’ commit sixty years of fairly unrelieved and catastrophic error nationally and internationally, that I not only hated every wasted hard-earned cent I spent in taxes, but the trauma and misery they produced.”

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Dear Senator Johnny,

So it’s come to this! I’m writing as someone who donated money to your campaign and was really hoping you were going to win the nomination so you could restore integrity to the White House. But no such luck.

I am not one of those haterz blaming you for what is obviously not your fault. Clearly that space alien is to blame for the pickle you now find yourself in. Your only crime was to be too handsome. By the way, speaking of space aliens, to judge by her teeth she looks like a ‘scraper’ to me, in those intimate moments when a man needs a safe and welcoming place—if you know what I mean.

But as we all know, life isn’t fair, which is why she gets to rub Tiger Balm into your shoulders after a particularly grueling workout and all I got was a restraining order. Not that I blame you for that for one moment. I know it was the work of that bossy bottom you had running your campaign who was like totally jealous and a bitch. Not that I’m at all surprised that working at your side, bringing you coffee in the morning as you wake up, your hair still rumpled and your sheets smelling of hay and sun-warmed apples, rubbing sleep from your eyes, your lips moist, your pajama bottoms, damp with sweat, only just managing to cling to your hips… I’m not at all surprised that such a close working relationship would inspire a fierce devotion bordering, one might almost say, on obsession. Not surprised at all.

Speaking of workouts, I’d like to explain the reason for this letter.

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Rose to prominence as a Kissinger deputy:

Lawrence S. Eagleburger, a troubleshooting diplomat and senior foreign policy adviser to presidents who served the country for more than 40 years, including 42 days as secretary of state at the close of President George H. W. Bush’s term, died on Saturday in Charlottesville, Va. He was 80.

I recall that, days after the towers came down, he jovially said New York City was “not the sort of place” he liked to spend time. Taken in context, his comments made it clear there weren’t enough white people here for him.

Fuck you Larry. Fuck you and all your GOP buddies grown fat and rich off our taxes.