Our Long National Nightmare

The Republic Will Survive

There’s always 2020.

On behalf of the dwindling tribe of rational beings in These United States, we would like to thank Donald Trump for being utterly incompetent.

Trump’s gift for making subtext text — for putting into words what other politicians encoded in dog whistles — revealed what everyone has known, or should have known, since 1980: Conservative politics is total bullshit, an intellectual veneer riding atop an ugly racist engine.

Whatever merit was to be found in conservative “ideas” was totally irrelevant, since without the power of Angry White Voters resentful of Welfare Queens and fearful of Black Murderers, those ideas would never have gained or maintained currency.

And should that bigotry wear thin in a given election, you could always turn to faggots instead to incite an electorally remunerative moral panic.

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Donald Trump is a Bad Person and You’re a Bad Person for Supporting Him

Here is an orangutan as a comment on Donald Trump’s hair.

Donald Trump is a bad person. You are a bad person for supporting him. Donald Trump said something stupid today. Here is Donald Trump saying something stupid. Here is Donald Trump saying something stupid that makes him sound like a bad movie villain. Here is a video showing Donald Trump saying something stupid, with cuts to the bad movie villain, and music from a recent horror movie, and text I’ve added in case you missed the point.

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Rejected Slogans

The Bridge to the Future Was a U-Turn

  • We Won’t Frighten the Shit Out of You
  • A Slightly Less Abrupt Dystopian Future
  • Mailbox Full

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I, Toady

Yes, Mr. Trump.

And the winner is…

Wait. Not Newt? Darn.

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Why I Am Not Running for President

  • Don Rickles unavailable to ghostwrite insults.
  • Wife refuses to rehearse Adoring Gaze for when I’m caught with exotic Eastern European hooker.
  • Satanic coven won’t release me from Vows.

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Onyango’s Yer Uncle

Our journey begins in the White House Stenography Room, where Flack-in-Chief Jay Carney prepares to commit a Ziegler and declare a previous statement Inoperative. You can feel the tension mount as the Obama Administration is about to be shaken to its core:

Fox News’ Ed Henry asked Carney about the claim by the President’s uncle, whom Carney cut Henry off to characterize as “his father’s half-brother,” and why the discrepancy in the stories.

And there — right there — you know we’re in for a Thrilling Adventure. Maybe there exists one of those complicated exceptions where Your Father’s Half-Brother isn’t Your Uncle, but — free advice! — you probably don’t want to press that point before The Eyes of The Nation.

So what did the Putative Uncle know, and when did the White House know it?

It seems — please, sit down, dismiss the children from the room, the usual drill — he once met Barack Obama.

We know! It totally lets Kennedy off the hook for Giancana!

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At Least She Didn’t Grab Her Crotch…

“Beyonce Knowles’ flawless performance of ‘The Star Spangled Banner’ at the inauguration was entirely lip-synched, Page Six has confirmed. A rep for the United States Marine Band revealed that she decided to perform to a pre-recorded track at the last minute.” [NY Post]