Mere days ago, we expected tonight’s news conference to be The Great Torture Showdown: Whatever Barry said, someone, probably everyone, would be howling tomorrow.

And then we decided it was high time for a pandemic. And then Arlen decided it was high time to get the hell out of Dodge. But not until GM decided to get the hell out of Pontiac.

So we welcome you to our Open Thread/Adderall Festival, and challenge you to see how long you can last before your brain hurts. After the show, we’ll be sharing beautiful pictures of Air Force One over Manhattan.

Via SanFranLefty, a display of our Socialist Overlords at the entrance of an undisclosed federal building in the Bay Area.

Ultafuckingobamabadness! Leader of the free world checks out a new Czech AK-47 that he will use to shred GOP gang leader Dick Cheney

Weary of the taunts of GOP gang leader and war entrepreneur Dick Cheney, President Barack Obama is in training at a secret military encampment in the Smokey Mountains with a number of special forces personnel and martial arts masters, honing his fighting skills to prepare for the final confrontation with this murderous, profiteering dog.

“Cheney’s working with his own fifth column in Defense and BushCo’s long-time allies in Saudi Arabia to direct attacks against the United States to discredit my administration, to re-establish the GOP junta and, finally, to reinvigorate the war-driven gravy train that has bolstered his Halliburton stock and fattened his offshore accounts with no-bid contract kickbacks. Clearly, it’s time to rip the treasonous motherfucker’s throat out,” President Barack Obama said.

Reporters, spirited to the training camp blindfolded earlier in the day for the press conference, looked stunned for a moment and then burst into applause shouting, “Death! Death! Death to the traitorous dog, fearless leader!” Obama grimaced briefly and silenced the ink-stained wretches by firing a burst into the air.

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Look, we know what those 8 a.m. classes were like, and even Barry lacks the eloquence to keep you awake. That’s why we called in the Stinque Macroeconomics Dancers to welcome you to our Obama news conference Open Thread/Champagne Cabaret. Because when it comes to the dismal science, we know you could use the distraction.

Barry’s on TV again tonight, this time throwing an elbow at American Idol to explain the Battlegeek finale or the economy, whichever is easier. We’ll be firing up our Open Thread/Gaffematic at 7:45 p.m. Eastern.

Issues likely to surface at Obama news conference [Reuters]

Gupta will reportedly turn down Surgeon General post [Think Progress]

Speaking of that WIN button, this is what brought it to mind.

Emblems to Stamp Projects Funded by the Stimulus Package [ABC]