Obama Had Enough of Cheney and Is Gonna Waste The Traitorous Sucker
Weary of the taunts of GOP gang leader and war entrepreneur Dick Cheney, President Barack Obama is in training at a secret military encampment in the Smokey Mountains with a number of special forces personnel and martial arts masters, honing his fighting skills to prepare for the final confrontation with this murderous, profiteering dog.
“Cheney’s working with his own fifth column in Defense and BushCo’s long-time allies in Saudi Arabia to direct attacks against the United States to discredit my administration, to re-establish the GOP junta and, finally, to reinvigorate the war-driven gravy train that has bolstered his Halliburton stock and fattened his offshore accounts with no-bid contract kickbacks. Clearly, it’s time to rip the treasonous motherfucker’s throat out,” President Barack Obama said.
Reporters, spirited to the training camp blindfolded earlier in the day for the press conference, looked stunned for a moment and then burst into applause shouting, “Death! Death! Death to the traitorous dog, fearless leader!” Obama grimaced briefly and silenced the ink-stained wretches by firing a burst into the air.
“Not so fast. For crimes of the sort that Cheney has committed against God and Humanity, I have special plans. I could take this and cut him in half,” Obama said brandishing his new Czech AK-47. “But I want Cheney to fight to the end, to experience the glory and redemption of his own death. But, most importantly, I want to enjoy every minute of sending him to hell in the most humiliating ways possible,” Obama said, smiling and assuring the reporters, “But don’t worry. It won’t be torture.”
Special forces officials offered their help to the new president, as their way of paying back the crimes and perfidies Cheney committed by orchestrating a war to make him and his friends incredibly wealthy while they were killed and maimed in an endless slaughter of innocents.
“It’s like this,” one special forces trainer explained, “If I waste Cheney, that’s assassination. If the president stabs, dismembers and shoots him, well, that’s just fucking performance art and there’s probably a bunch of shit in the constitution you could stitch together to show that it’s OK. You know, we are at war with fascism and that changes everything, right?”
President Obama has, according to his training staff, been taking regular martial arts sessions since the general election as he and his staff knew that CheneyCo would be working even after the inauguration to lay waste to his administration. The constant denunciations and pronouncements that the United States is in great peril as long as Obama is president is only part of Cheney’s destabilization program that the public can see.
“Hey, he wasted two countries that had little and nothing to do with 9/11 and would have taken out Iran, too, if he thought he could get away with it. You think he’d think twice about taking out a troublesome government, just because it was elected by the people of the United States? Remember, he doesn’t give a shit what they think. Never did,” said an Obama spokesperson.
Taking a break from his training sessions, Obama paused with a bottle of Chimay, “Hey, they want conservative values? Just watch me get medieval on their ass.”