Obama Had Enough of Cheney and Is Gonna Waste The Traitorous Sucker

bamgun

Ultafuckingobamabadness! Leader of the free world checks out a new Czech AK-47 that he will use to shred GOP gang leader Dick Cheney

Weary of the taunts of GOP gang leader and war entrepreneur Dick Cheney, President Barack Obama is in training at a secret military encampment in the Smokey Mountains with a number of special forces personnel and martial arts masters, honing his fighting skills to prepare for the final confrontation with this murderous, profiteering dog.

“Cheney’s working with his own fifth column in Defense and BushCo’s long-time allies in Saudi Arabia to direct attacks against the United States to discredit my administration, to re-establish the GOP junta and, finally, to reinvigorate the war-driven gravy train that has bolstered his Halliburton stock and fattened his offshore accounts with no-bid contract kickbacks. Clearly, it’s time to rip the treasonous motherfucker’s throat out,” President Barack Obama said.

Reporters, spirited to the training camp blindfolded earlier in the day for the press conference, looked stunned for a moment and then burst into applause shouting, “Death! Death! Death to the traitorous dog, fearless leader!” Obama grimaced briefly and silenced the ink-stained wretches by firing a burst into the air.

“Not so fast. For crimes of the sort that Cheney has committed against God and Humanity, I have special plans. I could take this and cut him in half,” Obama said brandishing his new Czech AK-47. “But I want Cheney to fight to the end, to experience the glory and redemption of his own death. But, most importantly, I want to enjoy every minute of sending him to hell in the most humiliating ways possible,” Obama said, smiling and assuring the reporters,  “But don’t worry. It won’t be torture.”

Obama Works Out With Samurai Swords, Preparing for the Moment When He Will Skewer and Rip Out Cheney's Liver.

Obama Works Out With Samurai Swords, Preparing for the Moment When He Will Skewer and Rip Out Cheney's Liver. And Feed It To a Zombie!? We'll see!

Special forces officials offered their help to the new president, as their way of paying back the crimes and perfidies Cheney committed by orchestrating a war to make him and his friends incredibly wealthy while they were killed and maimed in an endless slaughter of innocents.

“It’s like this,” one special forces trainer explained, “If I waste Cheney, that’s assassination. If the president stabs, dismembers and shoots him, well, that’s just fucking performance art and there’s probably a bunch of shit in the constitution you could stitch together to show that it’s OK. You know, we are at war with fascism and that changes everything, right?”

President Obama has, according to his training staff, been taking regular martial arts sessions since the general election as  he and his staff knew that CheneyCo would be working even after the inauguration to lay waste to his administration. The constant denunciations and pronouncements that the United States is in great peril as long as Obama is president is only part of Cheney’s destabilization program that the public can see.

Obama Works Out With Light Sabers, Preparing for the Final Confrontation With Ultimate Evil!

Preparing for Confrontation With Ultimate Evil! Obama Works Out With Light Sabers, Parrying With a Trainer Wearing a Dick Cheney Costume.

“Hey, he wasted two countries that had little and nothing to do with 9/11 and would have taken out Iran, too, if he thought he could get away with it. You think he’d think twice about taking out a troublesome government, just because it was elected by the people of the United States? Remember, he doesn’t give a shit what they think. Never did,” said an Obama spokesperson.

Taking a break from his training sessions, Obama paused with a bottle of Chimay, “Hey, they want conservative values? Just watch me get medieval on their ass.”

36 Comments

OOBama Skywalker.

The force is strong with this one…

When I first learned of these on Gizmodo I was so psyched, but the best price I could find was $60.00, and that just wouldn’t leave me with enough change I can believe in (or buy groceries with).

@Serolf Divad:

Still, imagine the Photoshop possibilities! The mind reels!

Think of the possibilities for a Michelle doll action figure.

Brilliant piece of work, FCS, this deserves wide distribution!

In the linky-link, did you notice that only one of O’s three left-hand options has a wedding ring? That designer better watch his back when Michelle comes calling. If he survives the encounter, he’ll have some excellent ideas for her action figure.

Also, WTF is up with those last two poses? They look more like Ted Haggart at work and at play!

@redmanlaw:

I think they’re 1/6… the standard GI Joe action figure size.

TJ: anyone remember the Mayaguez? Somali pirates have captured a Maersk-Sea Land ship. Whats the point of having a Navy if you can’t prevent pirates with handguns in speedboats from capturing shipping?

“A spokeswoman for the U.S. Fifth Fleet confirmed that a Danish-owned, U.S.-operated container ship carrying 21 Americans “came under attack” about 240 nautical miles southeast of Ayel, Somalia. She said the crew had radioed for help but the closest naval ship was about 300 nautical miles away at the time. The official was unable to confirm the name of the vessel.”

Semi-appropriate TJ: Obama’s sucking up even more secret powerz than Bush did:

http://www.salon.com/opinion/greenwald/2009/04/06/obama/index.html

@Prommie:
Apparently, the crew regained control of the ship and drove the pirates off.

Yo ho ho…

@flippin eck: RedManLaw found these pictures on a Japanese website but the WordPress software won’t let you list split bylines. I mean, once you see the pictures, it kinda tells the whole story. I dunno who did the poses. I just wanted to review all the different kind of ordnance Obama was working with to avenge America from the crimelord Dick Cheney.

@flippin eck: Fine, fine. I’m now satisfied that Digg don’t do us any good. And I notice handy Facebook and Twitter buttons over at TPM, which look a lot more simple than the ShareThis pop-up. I’ll do some geek research and upgrade this sucker.

@FlyingChainSaw: @nojo: S’alright, the Japanese site itself is a goldmine and props to RML for sharing it, but I was just blown away by FCS’s brilliant writing of the Cheney-extermination scenario and wanted him to have some linklove for it (you hear that, C&L???).

@FlyingChainSaw, Ms. Eck: Actually it was sent to me by a libertarian gun nut friend of mine with the appellate public defender’s office here. I’m just glad people like it as much as I did.

@flippin eck: You can post this page by copying the url, going to your FB home page, and posting it as a link . (Look at the menu on the left side of the page under “facebook”.) That’s how I posted the Metallica video from youtube last night while bypassing the statement that I have rights to the video they ask for when you want to post a video as opposed to a link. Give it a try, and listen to the tune also.

@redmanlaw: Ooo, I love the Ms. Eck. You may all start addressing me this way…if you’re nasty.

@flippin eck: Digg Be Gone.

We now have one-click Facebook and Twitter links. The FB link will fill in the blanks for posting, while the Twitter link will convert the post address to a “tiny URL” (actually bit.ly, which all the cool kids are using) and start your tweet for you.

I like these much better than the old ShareThis contraption, which may have provided umpteen options, but was umpteen-1 more than needed. Give me enough time and I’ll be as dictatorial as Steve Jobs.

@ManchuCandidate: The Web evolves at the speed of light…

I find myself wondering how long Digg/Reddit/Technorati will last, what with all this decentralized social networking going on. Certainly Digg works for a site like Gizmodo, since their audiences overlap, but word-of-mouth is more our style.

Broadly construed, that includes those occasional links (like yesterday) from Crooks & Liars that spoil us, but it also includes people like JNOV and Eck posting links on their Facebook pages, and Ana Marie Cox running a Stinque Linque in her Twitter feed, which Ann Althouse picked up for her blog.

So my task in this respect is to enable serendipity — make it ridiculously easy to use whichever services are popular at the moment (in particular among our readers) and see what happens. If there’s a sudden surge in Tumblr accounts, I’ll fix up something for that too.

@nojo: That link is a thing of beauty! I remain your humble servant.

@nojo: AMC has a “stinque linque”? Crap, I guess she knows that the wife and I think she has a large – albeit not unattractive – neck.

@Nabisco: That was the Wonkette-bashing post some weeks back. AMC provided a link in her Twitter feed, Althouse picked it up, and 3,000 people flooded in.

@IanJ:

Yeah, it’s been kinda sad that Obama’s made a bunch of feel good moves, but on the shit that really matters–the economy, foreign wars, human rights & civil liberties–he’s just as bad as Bush in many ways. All of which is flying under most people’s radar.

@Tommmcatt the Wet Sprocket: That is one of the best bitch slaps of O’Really I’ve ever seen, thanks for that. Before KeefO features him (I may be too late, I wait for the 10pm re-broadcast), let me just say that it is the best thing Roger Ebert has done since he declared his love for the punk band X.

@nojo: I’d forgotten that, my bad. Sometimes the zeitgeist gets moving too fast for me to keep up.

BTW, I’m getting a spambot ad for an army green tank top that features a cutout silhouette of a naked woman bent at the waist with the caption “I make his dog tags jangle.”

Nojo, pray tell, what can I do to make that stop happening? I was trying to buy shit today from Amazon to help stinque and then felt guilty about spending money and checked to see which books were available at the library.

@redmanlaw: Started John Adams last night. Very good. Thanks for the rec.

@SanFranLefty: Think how fun it must have been to write some of that dialog.

@redmanlaw: ‘k, good night redman, I’m off to watch some more John Adams before bedtime…and then do some work when the nightly insomnia kicks in at 2 am.

Ativan, Ambien, Trazladone, Benadryl….nothing helps. I’m awake from 2 am to about 5, then I fall asleep until 5:30 when the neighborhood wakes up. It’s starting to get really old.

The Stinquers who have scrabbled/wordscraped with me may have noticed I make a lot of moves at 3:15 am Pacific time.

@Original Andrew: Yes. I would like to nominate Eric Holder and the Unicorn Ministry of Justice for wingnut of the week for their heinous legal positions protecting–nay, extending–unitary executive privileges, obstructing due process of the law, and protecting government assficials from prosecution for torture and warrantless wiretapping among other things.

At this point I think we can safely say “Out with the old Man, in with the New”. Except it’s not really a new Man whose boot we’re all expected to lick, just a variation on a theme.

I never had high Hopes™ for Obama, but he seems to be working hard to disappoint me.

@SanFranLefty: I make his dog tags jangle.

I never get the fun ads. Except for Goth Dating.

But if you see something particularly atrocious, slip me the URL that (usually) appears below the ad. Then I can block it.

And…

Somewhere there must be tape of Giamatti in Adams garb saying “I am not drinking any fucking Merlot!”

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