The 2011 Stinque Awards

So here’s the deal: We had this fabulous opening production number planned, featuring the Republican Preznidential candidates bending their principles in ways you didn’t think possible, and then word leaked that Donald Trump was doing the choreography, and everybody quit at the last minute. Well, except for Newt, but he’s insisting on doing an interpretive Lincoln-Douglas Dance, and we just can’t wait three fucking hours for him to finish. Not unless he wants to put the union overtime on his Tiffany’s card.

So do us a favor and imagine you just watched a totally awesome opening to the Fourth Annual Stinque Awards for Achievement in Infamy, sponsored by Anosognosia Bitters, for when you need a break from rational thinking, and Lowe’s Home Improvement, because we forgot to find a slot for them.

While we wait for our presenters to get good and sloshed in the Green Room, let’s recap our Technical Awards for Nice People, bestowed at a private ceremony last week so we don’t upset our advertisers.

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If we were to sum up 2011 in a word, and since “malaise” is legendarily, if not factually, taken, we would choose miasma, which our StinquePad dictionary calls “an oppressive or unpleasant atmosphere that surrounds or emanates from something”. It’s not any one thing that sucked. Everything sucked.

Which makes our task today — sorting varieties of Suck into categories — uncommonly difficult. We have to carve the maggot-covered chicken somewhere, but it’s awfully hard to see the chicken through the maggots. Of the many fine categories proposed last week, they had a common theme: People were even more stupid than usual this year. But rather than pull a Time and cheat our own rules for arbitrary year-end publishing gimmicks, we’re diving in.

So welcome to the second installment of the Fourth Annual Stinque Awards for Achievement in Infamy, sponsored by Anosognosia Bitters. (“Anosognosia: For when you’re mad as hell, and we just can’t take you any more.”) Voting is now open in the following categories:

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Southern California Tea Party activist and failed politician Jules Manson, apparently no relation to the swastika-bedecked Charles, today decided to share with his Facebook followers his thoughts on President Obama and his daughters:

Assassinate the fucken nigger and his monkey children.

And then he went on to explain that using the word “nigger” was not racist.

One would hope that he’ll have some explaining to do to the FBI and Secret Service tomorrow.

[SF Examiner]

If we had ten thousand dollars to bet, we’d start a pool among quarter-billionaires to name the results of a major annual awards presentation of which we conveniently were the sole judge, because it’s the equivalent of a buck or two to mortals, they wouldn’t miss it, and we could fund our retirement.

And wouldn’t you know, today we’re announcing the Fourth Annual Stinque Awards for Achievement in Infamy. If any quarter-billionaires would like to join our Exclusive! private pool, have your PA call our PA.

For the rest of you, the rules are simple: There aren’t any.

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