Vote Now for the 2011 Stinque Awards!
If we were to sum up 2011 in a word, and since “malaise” is legendarily, if not factually, taken, we would choose miasma, which our StinquePad dictionary calls “an oppressive or unpleasant atmosphere that surrounds or emanates from something”. It’s not any one thing that sucked. Everything sucked.
Which makes our task today — sorting varieties of Suck into categories — uncommonly difficult. We have to carve the maggot-covered chicken somewhere, but it’s awfully hard to see the chicken through the maggots. Of the many fine categories proposed last week, they had a common theme: People were even more stupid than usual this year. But rather than pull a Time and cheat our own rules for arbitrary year-end publishing gimmicks, we’re diving in.
So welcome to the second installment of the Fourth Annual Stinque Awards for Achievement in Infamy, sponsored by Anosognosia Bitters. (“Anosognosia: For when you’re mad as hell, and we just can’t take you any more.”) Voting is now open in the following categories:
- Technical Awards for Nice People
- Le Prix Trudeau for Best Un-American Activity
- Eminence Grease for Most Evil Organization
- Platinum Pampers for Best Sex Scandal
- Potassium Propeller Beanie for Respected Irrationality in Public Life
- Bronze Batshit for Wackiest Republican Presidential Candidate
- Golden Anal Pear for Asshole of the Year
- Crystal Douchebag for Lifetime Achievement
To vote for an award, simply write a comment below. Consider your ballot not a count, but a pleading. Quality will be determined by penmanship, the expense of your stationery, and the crispness of the discretely enclosed legal tender.
Our distinguished panel of judges includes Yoda Pez, Cat Stick, and Fishtray, long-absent blogging familiars who are not pining for the fjords, but are simply resting.
Winners will be announced next Tuesday, December 27, because next Monday our Exceptional Nation will be formally celebrating The Day After the Birth of Our Blessed Sport Enthusiast.
My nominations
Technical Awards for Nice People: Me
Le Prix Trudeau for Best Un-American Activity: Newt’s proposal to get rid of judges
Eminence Grease for Most Evil Organization: Bank of America
Platinum Pampers for Best Sex Scandal: None. I can only think of lame sex scandals this year
Potassium Propeller Beanie for Respected Irrationality in Public Life: The MSM. So much bullshit and yet people still buy, click, read their stuff.
Bronze Batshit for Wackiest Republican Presidential Candidate: Cain
Golden Anal Pear for Asshole of the Year: Newt
Crystal Douchebag for Lifetime Achievement: Newt
I think Toyko Electric, being part of the 1% and a faceless corporate behemoth, might do well for the Trudeau.
Koch Bros., or ALEC, or both for the organizational thing.
Weiner self-shot would make for a great disembodied head.
The propeller beanie? Tebowing. Not only does it break one of the Big Fella’s rules (pray in your room, close the door first, etc.), but it is a shameless ripoff of Rodin.
You can’t spell batshit without the B. The HPV thing was Bachmann in overdrive.
Asshole: the Donald. Made his bones going all birther on us.
Newtie for the lifetime gong.
Le Prix Trudeau: WikiLeaks and/or its founder, Julian Assange. This wasn’t your daddy’s Pentagon Papers.
Propeller Beanie: Sport and Hyperventilating Hagiography (Tebow’s Up, now he’s Down! Eagles are the Dream Team! Suck for Luck! Steelers are Old! King James! LeBron is Finished! Tiger is Finished! Tiger is Back! Hope Solo Can’t Dance! Yes She Can!
Most Evil Organization: Koch Bros. TEPCO required government collusion, the Kochs are self-sustaining.
Batshit: Crazee Eyes is a professional, which puts her out of competition. Herman! owned this category this year.
Nappies(tm): I cast a blank ballot on this one, owing to The Sad caused by PSU and Sandusky.
Asshole: another vote for the Short-Fingered Vulgarian. Which also puts him neck and neck with Newt for the Douchebag, but for The Donald, there is always 2012.
Newt for the Crystal.
Technical Awards for Nice People: Bernie Sanders needs a mention here.
Le Prix Trudeau for Best Un-American Activity: Obama for signing the despicable Defense Appropriations bills allowing for indefinite detention of American citizens.
Eminence Grease for Most Evil Organization: Koch.
Platinum Pampers for Best Sex Scandal: Weiner’s weiner.
Potassium Propeller Beanie for Respected Irrationality in Public Life: The media, for presenting the most wacked-out RW shit as the equivalent of rational ideas in the name of “balance.”
Bronze Batshit for Wackiest Republican Presidential Candidate: Herman Cain!
Golden Anal Pear for Asshole of the Year: Newt.
Crystal Douchebag for Lifetime Achievement: Grover Norquist, who has done more harm to American politics and the economy than anyone since Goldman Sachs. If I could choose one person to just suddenly drop dead, Grover would be my vote.
@Mistress Cynica: I vote a straight ticket for your slate.
Stunning, isn’t it, that Joe Lieberman doesn’t even come close to making the cut for Anal Pear, or any other award, this year.
@Mistress Cynica: Yes, I too agree with your list of nominations.
“America’s Sheriff,” Joe Arpaio seems to be making a strong run for some award now though. Categories should be decided quickly before he does something to sweep the awards.
Technical Awards for Nice People – Elizabeth Edwards – close enough to the start of 2011.
Le Prix Trudeau for Best Un-American Activity – Sheriff Joe, subverter of the Constitution.
Eminence Grease for Most Evil Organization – Koch Brothers (easy).
Platinum Pampers for Best Sex Scandal – CraigsList’s own Christopher Lee.
Potassium Propeller Beanie for Respected Irrationality in Public Life – David Gregory.
Bronze Batshit for Wackiest Republican Presidential Candidate: Mittens for believing that the Professional Christians responsible for bringing the Hater Base to heel would even consider him for the GOP nomination.
Golden Anal Pear for Asshole of the Year – only Joe Lieberman.
Crystal Douchebag for Lifetime Achievement: Jon Kyl for admitting that his mission in the Senate is to lie, lie, lie like his GOP brethren before him.
@karen marie has her eyes tight shut: With Republican obstructionism being the rule of the day, he hasn’t really been relevant this last year.
Which is probably the only nice thing about Repug obstructionism.
@blogenfreude: Good list, and you get a gold star for presentation, but the example you cite for Lieberman is, by now, pretty standard. To qualify against such a crowded and talented field, Lieberman would have had to do much, much more. I would say McCain is more qualified for the GAP than Lieberman and even he pales against the rest of the field.
P.S. This post has been up since 7 this morning. Am I sensing a lack of enthusiasm here?
I should point out that Le Prix Trudeau is perhaps an overly clever name for international perfidy. I’ll have to adjust the description next year.
But fear not: All votes will be considered. Everything fits somewhere.
What Mistress Cynica said.
It’d be nice to add Gov. Good Hair in the mix for shit and giggles, but we’d need a new category — the Loni Anderson Award for Biggest Airhead?
And what happened to my suggested Marie Antoinette Severed Head Award for Most Obnoxious Response by a 1%er to Economic Inequality?
@SanFranLefty: Potential nominees would also fit under at least four of the listed categories. Similarly, I have UC-Davis slotted in for one.
The trick was to construct the categories broadly enough so that everything notable this year can go somewhere.
ADD: Although I still haven’t figured out where to stuff Harold Camping.
ADD2: As an example of category construction, I revived Eminence Grease in order to give UC-Davis a shout-out without being too specific.
Cool stuff that mattered to me in 2011: 1. Gaining an appreciation for Son of RML’s rapping after reading a Patti Smith biography. He’s on youtube with a rap inspired by “The Most Dangerous Game” chopping it up like a young Busta Rhymes. It’s all poetry with a different backing track. 2. Landscaping and home improving my ass off and wiping out a five-year-old “Honey Do” list because of drought, forest fires, and forest closures. 3. Making progress as a father, as a husband, as a lawyer, and on on the guitar. 4. Developing a deeper appreciation of Slayer. 5. Bumping up against limitations, working to get past them. 6. Being a good guy, being chill and doing good work. 7, Maintaining relationships, although one had to get kick started by speaking at a friend’s dad’s memorial service. 8. Having stinque friends after dropping off Facebook. 9. Martinis. 10. Love, the night sky, the desert landscape, being where I am in life.
A fire is burning a few feet away in the next room with pinon (pin-yon) wood I harvested and cut myself as a an 80s nostalgia metal band proclaims its love for “rock” on the tv. I’m deep into the Code of Federal Regulations after having found answers for a client’s questions and have started the memo. Calling it a day in a bit.
@nojo: In that case, Ugandan lawmakers? BHL? The newly undemocratic Greece and Italy? Chinese bystanders? I could go on.
Technical Awards for Nice People – T/J Jaime Sommers T/J. She presents a compelling case.
Le Prix Trudeau for Best Un-American Activity – I’ll go with the Ugandan lawmakers. Mellbell is correct to give them top billing on her list.
Eminence Grease for Most Evil Organization – Koch. The award could be named for them.
Platinum Pampers for Best Sex Scandal – Weinerworld. The self involved stupidity of it was so breathtaking even though its diaper count was relatively low.
Potassium Propeller Beanie for Respected Irrationality in Public Life –
Fox and Friends. I know they’re just the JV team on the Murdoch/Ailes horror show, but they try hard.
Bronze Batshit for Wackiest Republican Presidential Candidate – I’m only able to vote for Cain!
Golden Anal Pear for Asshole of the Year – Newt. His proposal to send U.S. Marshalls after judges he doesn’t like put him over the top.
Crystal Douchebag for Lifetime Achievement – Rupert Murdoch. He brought us Fox News. Phone hacking the families of kidnap victims is just the cherry on the shit sundae. Besides, we’re running out of time.
Technical Awards for Nice People: I’m actually going to go with RML on this one.
Le Prix Trudeau for Best Un-American Activity: The one that sticks with me is actually Laurent Gbagbo and the Ivory Coast presidential race. Although Syria is providing a good-n-fresh runner-up.
Eminence Grease for Most Evil Organization: Hard to argue with the Koch nominations. Agreed.
Platinum Pampers for Best Sex Scandal: Meh. I’m going to toss in a nomination for the Rainbow-Striped Clown Whoopie Pampers, and vote Cain!
Potassium Propeller Beanie for Respected Irrationality in Public Life: That would be Boehner. Disingenuous to a fault.
Bronze Batshit for Wackiest Republican Presidential Candidate: Cain! hands down.
Golden Anal Pear for Asshole of the Year: Newtie
Crystal Douchebag for Lifetime Achievement: Gotta go wtih Newtie again.
Trudeau Prize: Barack Obama, FISA, black sites, NSA — throwing the Const. out the motherfucking window.
Anal Pear: Sandusky and all adults who protected him and not the kids.
Repeat Offender: Harold Camping
Don’t give a shit who wins the rest of the categories.
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