Who among us wouldn’t want to throw all three nominees in a blender and celebrate the goo that pours out? Remove any one, and the other two are powerless: Without Karl Rove, no electoral mastermind; without George W. Bush, no pliable frontman; and without Dick Cheney, no lawyers shot in the face. Put them together, and you have an extraconstitutional juggernaut that managed to undermine the Republic, if not human society itself, in only eight stunning years. But the Stinque Awards allow no signing statements, so two must be left at the altar of history.

And the winner is…

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Narrowing the nominees to five finalists in an election year was almost more than our judges could bear, and only an emergency shipment of an extra pallet of box wine could convince them to remain on task.

Michele Bachmann‘s dark-horse candidacy was a surprise, usurping what had been known as the Hannity Slot, but invoking and then denying McCarthyism was a masterpiece of chutzpah. Hillary Clinton made a strong claim with her fond remembrance of the RFK assassination, while nominal spouse Bill Clinton pleased the panel with his unerring ability to write off the darker hues of the Democratic Party. Sarah Palin‘s rise from obscurity to infamy was so fast and thorough, the panel was overwhelmed by little starbursts. And Joe Lieberman somehow managed to be a traitor without consequence.

And the winner is…

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It was admittedly a slow year for sex scandals, or at least a slow year for the perversions that inspired our ongoing Diaper Ratings. So many heterosexual couplings between consenting adults! It’s enough to make you lose faith in electoral democracy.

The judges resorted to an elaborate spreadsheet tallying Ironies Implied, Bastards Spawned, Ambitions Thwarted, and Wives Displayed. Vito Fossella and John Edwards each tallied a Bastard apiece, for example, while Fossella scored additional Irony chits for a 2004 commendation from President Bush. Eliot Spitzer lost pestorking points for the lack of offspring, but made a strong Irony showing with a notable “Stand By Your Man” moment from the missus. Tim Mahoney landed on the shortlist for carrying on his district’s tradition of Sex Scandal Superstar Mark Foley, and David Paterson subverted the entire system by managing not to create a scandal with his extracurricular intimacies.

And the winner is…

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The judges particularly enjoyed this category, since rarely do they have the opportunity to trot out their advanced degrees in Comparative Scandalology. Their debate, which will be excerpted in the New York Review of Books prior to publication in hardcover, touched on the relative demerits of selling a Senate seat (Rod Blagojevich), selling out your class (Bernie Madoff), and selling out Neiman Marcus (Sarah Palin). Consequences were all over the map, from Lives Ruined, to Trust Undermined, to Undergarments Underlined. In the end, the decision rested on Style Points.

And the winner is…

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The famous Hirschfeld illustration for My Fair Lady features Eliza Doolittle on puppet strings controlled by Henry Higgins, who in turn is being manipulated by George Bernard Shaw, and that cat’s cradle reflects the tangle of this year’s finalists. Sarah Palin quickly graduated from Prop to Propmaster in less than a week, stringing Bristol Palin, Levi Johnston and Trig Palin in her wake. But the Palindrome wasn’t enough to entertain America, so Joe the Plumber was reeled in later to dance for the pleasure of all, gaining sufficient publicity to qualify for Best Celebrity Sex Tape Debut in the coming year.

And the winner is…

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You know it’s a stellar year for pugnacious pundrity when Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin aren’t even nominated. But the spectre of an America ruled by a radical terrorist islamofascist socialist foreign-born dictator who just happens to be black brought out everyone’s A-game and potty mouths.

Kathryn Jean Lopez represents the Corner baristas at National Review Online, whose spittle prompted millions of cyberdenizens to clean their monitors twice daily. Lanny Davis was the Go-To Hack whenever we needed to hear that white was black, up was down, and Hillary was winning. Bill Kristol brought so much smarm to the table, you feared the FDA would issue a cholesterol warning. Dick Morris reminded us why we shouldn’t have been surprised by Bill Clinton’s sleaze in support of his nominal spouse. And Jim Cramer scores a rare non-political nomination for telling everybody to buy Bear Stearns — just before it crashed.

And the winner is…

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Who can forget Hillary Clinton‘s chugfest? Or John Edwards’ Liver Girl? Or Sarah Palin‘s wink? Or John McCain‘s entire campaign? It was a fine year for pandering, from the gas-tax holiday to drill-baby-drill to you-betcha populism. Even Barack Obama got in on the act, supporting half of George Bush’s policies before the Republicans could nail him for being a Democrat.

And the winner is…

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