Straight outta Indecent Proposal, somebody offered Virgin Galactic — Richard Branson’s really high ballooning effort — one meelion dollars to film a porno in the heavens.

But Branson, declining to play Woody Harrelson, turned down the opportunity to start recouping his $100 million investment.

We’re disappointed, but we understand — we’ve read those 2001 toilet instructions, after all, and you don’t want to send in a CSI crew with Spunk Detectors to clean up the mess in the cabin afterward. But this is the 21st century, gawdammit, and next year’s Barbarella remake is a pale substitute for the real thing.

Virgin Galactic Turns Down Sex-in-Space Proposal [Fox]

Guy goes to a doctor. Guy says, “Doc, my dick hurts when I do this!” Doc says, “Don’t do that!”

They both laugh and laugh and laugh.

Guy says, “No, really, Doc, my dick hurts!” Doc says, “Fine, we’ll schedule some surgery, give you an emergency bris.”

Read more »

Poor Cheryl Oldham. She gets a “prestigious job supporting high-ranking corporate executives” at a magazine publisher, but her working life becomes a series of nightmares straight out of The Devil Wore Prada.

Sort of.

Substitute “Nothing” for “Prada”, and you’ll understand her predicament. Seems the boss has a taste for professionals in another line of work, but his office isn’t sufficiently insulated to contain the din of their animated consulting sessions:

The prostitutes “made loud, obnoxious and repeated noises of sexual gratification that disrupted the office and (Oldham’s) ability to perform the essential functions of her job,” her lawsuit alleges.

So Cheryl takes it up with HR, but HR doesn’t want to hear about it. The boss asks her to testify against a co-worker who’s also distracted by the chanson d’amour, and when Cheryl refuses, the boss calls her a fat old cow. Disenchanted by the glamorous promise and squalid reality, she finally files a lawsuit.

And who’s the boss, you ask?

Hustler’s Larry Flynt sued over ‘loud sex in the office’ [Contra Costa Times]

On one hand, we’re just a tad uncomfortable running this as the Porn Post.

On the other hand — we can’t resist.

But it’s a sad story. David W. Johnson’s wife suffered a stroke some years back, and she was placed in a Portage, Wisconsin, nursing home. Although she was all but comatose, he remained a devoted husband, visiting daily, reading her the Bible, moving her limbs so her muscles wouldn’t atrophy.

Oh, and closing the door to her room and, er…

Yeah. That.

But that’s not the story. The staff grew suspicious that he was too loving a husband, and tipped off the cops. The cops got a search warrant, installed a hidden camera in the room, and…

There you go. Caught on tape. That’s the weird part.

The wife’s sister is cool with loving hubby, so we’re not going to pull a Frist and diagnose his behavior from afar. But the tape was used to bring charges against hubby, the tape was thrown out of court as the product of an illegal search, and the tape was the basis of an unsuccessful appeal by prosecutors to a state appeals court.

And the tape may yet travel to the Wisconsin Supreme Court.

Not that anybody’s watching it, of course. Are they?

Wis. court: Cops illegally taped nursing home sex [AP]

Remember that scene in Fargo? No, not that one. The nice little moment where Frances McDormand’s husband is preoccupied with entering the federal duck-stamp painting competition.

The competition is real. Every year, duck hunters need to buy a license before heading out to do an Elmer on Daffy. And every year, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service issues a Migratory Bird Conservation and Hunting Stamp for the purpose.

Joe Hautman of Plymouth, Minnesota, won this year’s competition. He’s one of “those Hautmans,” the brothers Norm Gunderson frets about to Margie.

The stamp looks like a postage stamp: Beautiful waterfowl painting. Dollar amount. And the toll-free number for a phone-sex service.

Oops.

Not Joe’s fault, just some dyslexia in the layout department. The number to buy more stamps is 1-800-782-6724, but someone typed it as 1-800-872-6724.

No big deal. The first translates as 1-800-STAMP24. The second is 1-800-TRAMP24.

Duck Stamp includes phone-sex number [StarTribune.com]

Which reminds us of one of our all-time classic late-night college conversations: A good friend is complaining that he just can’t help himself, while we’re complaining that we just can’t get any. What makes it classic? Honest to gosh, both of us would have traded places with the other.

Although to be frank, his problem would have made for better PSAs.

Sex files: David Duchovny in rehab [Independent UK]

ABC breaks the shocking news that prostitutes are coming to Denver!

(One… two… three…)

That pause provided by The Committee to Allow You Sufficient Time to Shout “Which Ones?”

Sex Trade Spikes During Conventions [ABC]