Just when we thought we were done with all the amusing unintended consequences of Census paranoia, another one turns up: When it asks whether you’re married, it doesn’t make sure you’re opposite-married…

Some conservatives have complained that the eventual count of same-sex unions will be legally inaccurate while serving as ammunition for homosexual-marriage advocates. Gary Randall, president of the Bellevue, Wash.-based Faith and Freedom Network, complained in a blog posting last month that the census “is leaving it to responders to characterize their own relationships, regardless of legal status.”

“Will homosexual numbers be inflated by this ‘you decide what you are’ policy? Probably,” Randall wrote.

Then again, they’ll probably also be inflated by wingnut boycotts and Erick Erickson pulling a shotgun on government workers.

Conservatives fear census will inflate ‘gay’ numbers [AP/OneNewsNow]

We were going to write another deep, probing, iPad-enhanced inquiry into the nature of representative government and the role of responsible citizens in the twenty-first century, but then we came across this…

In the past environmentalists, from Lord Stern to Sir Paul McCartney, have urged people to stop eating meat because the methane produced by cattle causes global warming.

However a new study found that cattle grazed on the grasslands of China actually reduce another greenhouse gas, nitrous oxide.

…and decided to call it a Friday.

Cows absolved of causing global warming with nitrous oxide [Telegraph UK]

Way back in 2001 — let’s pause here for everyone to consider their advancing age, and why UPS hasn’t yet delivered our jetpacks — one of the debates was whether to handle 9/11 as a crime, or an act of war. We won’t rehearse those arguments here, but suffice to say that we thought then, thought in the years that followed, and continue to think now that the FBI, and not the DoD, was the agency best equipped to respond.

Jumping ahead eight years, we were pleased that both the Fort Hood shooter and the Underwear Bomber were treated as the criminals they are, and not the martyrs they aspired to be. Both were terrorists by definition — motivated by ideology — but regarding them as soldiers would be, in a phrase now thankfully retro, to let the terrorists win.

Yet in the case of a man who links these two examples, we’re doing just that:

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We don’t recall whether South Eugene High School offered civics in the mid-Seventies. Maybe it was folded into social studies. Maybe we’re remembering Schoolhouse Rock episodes. So when we speak of “high school civics,” we’re not really referring to a documented event in our life. Instead, we’re imagining some ideal of what such a class would offer: the fundamentals of being a citizen in a constitutional democracy.

You know, “rule by the people.” As opposed to rule by King George. Or rule by the Generals.

For the people to govern themselves, they need to know, as the Founders would say, whaddup. (Our iPad tried to correct that to “shaddup” as we typed. We fear our iPad’s growing sentience.) We can’t make informed decisions about our lives or our government without being, well, informed. A government that hides information from us moves us away from democracy and toward — what did the Greeks call it? Oh, right: Tyranny.

What brings all this to mind is an observation by Glenn Greenwald on the Iraq helicopter video:

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This video is unpleasant to watch; unless you have reason to, we suggest that you don’t.

What it shows is a group of civilians being massacred from an Apache helicopter in Baghdad on July 12, 2007. Among those killed was a Reuters photographer and his driver; two children were injured during additional fire, after a van pulled up to help the wounded.

The video, background materials, and additional research was posted Monday by WikiLeaks:

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We’re not sure what part of town YouTuber “birdyland” lives in — we’re by the airport — but unlike us, birdyland has a surveillance camera.

What you see here may be amplified a tad by the camera optics (as well as the cam being mounted on a pole), but it’s certainly what it felt like.

[via Left Coast Rebel, who lives up the road from us]

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• Enlighten a barrel of monkeys.
• Taunt your iPhone with its superior networking.
• Drop acid and stare through a kaleidoscope.
• Send one anonymously to each member of Congress, just to see what the fuck happens.
• Paste a Calvin-peeing sticker on it.
• Poke it in the eye.
• Ask it about the damn baby.
• Complain that it doesn’t play Flash.
• Accuse it of sleeping with your Death Star.
• Film another crappy sequel.

Monolith Action Figure [ThinkGeek, via Daring Fireball]