We weren’t planning on marking the anniversary again, but we’ve kinda grown fond of the car. And since it’s also Everybody Draw Mohammed Day, we’ve picked up a hitchhiker.

Tuesday Joyride! [The Dessicated Husk of the Cynics Party/Wayback Machine/May 20, 2008]

Our guest columnist this morning is Christel E. Marquardt, judge on the Kansas Court of Appeals.

In July 2002, Milano’s acquired a controlling interest in Club Orleans, a gentlemen’s club. In 2004, Milano’s designated their entertainers as independent contractors.

In response to an unemployment claim submitted by a Milano’s entertainer, the Unemployment Tax Contributions Unit of the KDOL [Kansas Department of Labor] began an investigation to determine whether Milano’s entertainers are employees or independent contractors. After the investigation, the KDOL auditor determined that the entertainers are employees for unemployment tax purposes…

The hearing officer cited Club Orleans’ house rules and concluded “there are sufficient indicia of control, or at least the right to control, that the facts of this matter point to an employer-employee relationship.” The hearing officer determined that although the owner of Milano’s testified that customers frequented Club Orleans for the “good atmosphere, good lighting and good food,” the facts indicate that the “atmosphere largely derives from and is based upon the presence of its semi-nude dancers.”…

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We never cease to be amused at Christians who can’t conceive of how we survive without their deity watching over us. Surely we’re fooling ourselves, living an ersatz form of religion without the trappings. Surely we can’t maintain a coherent form of ethics without the Yahweh Seal of Approval. Surely we don’t mean it.

Actually, we don’t. Doesn’t come up that often, really. Only when we encounter proselytizers at our front door. Or when Sully decides to start a campaign:

If I may intrude, and ask a question I do not mean to be loaded, just curious: I wonder what Kevin thinks happens to him when he dies? And how does he feel about that — not just emotionally but existentially? These questions can be addressed without talking of God. And yet they reveal something about what it is to be human.

We won’t presume to speak for Kevin Drum, and as a rule we resent Professional Atheists, so we won’t presume to speak for the Godless Cabal either, although we’ll show you the secret handshake if you buy us a pint. But to address Sully’s first question, here’s what happens when you die:

You cease to exist.

We know, we know — fucking waste of an advanced philosophy degree.

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We being here in Sandy Eggo, we only find ourselves thinking about illegal immigration when a political candidate takes the time to demagogue about it. The weather’s just too fucking nice here to break a sweat about undocumented Canadians taking the window seats in the coffeehouse.

Our casual disregard hasn’t stopped Meg Whitman, former CEO of an online garage-sale company whose name evokes a suspiciously Hispanic body of water, from running on the issue in her quest to be declared insane by spending $64 million on her race for California governator. Her television commercials and Web videos are now highlighting her dogged fight against foreigners who would dare mispopulate good American towns like San Diego, Los Angeles, San Francisco, San Jose, San Bernardino, and Daly City.

But just in case you’re not entirely sure where she’s coming from, Meg just scored an important endorsement:

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We’re hearing buzz that Barack Obama will be pre-empting Dwayne Johnson’s SNL cameo this week, when he gives a press conference this morning after hearing the latest bad news about the Gulf spill. The script calls for Barry to be shocked — Shocked! — that drilling for oil a mile deep isn’t nearly as safe as those nice ugly people shilling in those BP commercials would lead you to think.

Sarah Palin, meanwhile, will keep exhorting those poor fishermen to fight for compensation from companies whose policies she steadfastly supports. And other than a few well-oiled Flippers, the rest of us will continue to be denied heartwrenching marine-disaster coverage because, well, we’ve been using the Gulf as America’s Toilet for years, and the fish are long since dead.

The summer before we entered journalism school, the dean called us freshmen in for a pep talk.

Get out, he said. Now. The future is grim. Your chance of being and remaining gainfully employed in a low-paying profession is even grimmer.

This was 1977.

CNN didn’t exist yet, never mind the Internet. The bogeymen were newspaper chains like Gannett, and they hadn’t even launched USA Today.

We, of course, ignored the dean’s advice, graduated four years later, worked at a small community newspaper for eighteen months, and decided we’d rather run away and join the circus. And here we are.

And whenever we read thumbsuckers on The Fate of Newspapers in The Internet Age, we think of the dean. Nobody in the industry should act surprised. This has been coming for a generation.

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We noticed this Monday, noticed it again Tuesday, and now we notice that few others seem to be noticing. Which makes perfect sense, given the source, but is also very odd — and for the same reason. So let’s start with the news, and take it from there:

Through key intelligence sources in Afghanistan and Pakistan, I have just learned that reclusive Taliban leader and top Osama bin Laden ally, Mullah Omar has been taken into custody…

At the end of March, US Military Intelligence was informed by US operatives working in the Af/Pak theater on behalf of the D.O.D. that Omar had been detained by Pakistani authorities. One would assume that this would be passed up the chain and that the Secretary of Defense would have been alerted immediately. From what I am hearing, that may not have been the case.

When this explosive information was quietly confirmed to United States Intelligence ten days ago by Pakistani authorities, it appeared to take the Defense Department by surprise. No one, though, is going to be more surprised than Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. It seems even with confirmation from the Pakistanis themselves, she was never brought up to speed.

Well! Congratulations to all involved! But why isn’t anybody bragging about it?

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