Our guest columnist is a frightened fat fuck, bloviating to the nation today.

I want to explain why I apologized to Sandra Fluke in the statement that was released on Saturday. I’ve read all the theories from all sides, and, frankly, they are all wrong. I don’t expect — and I know you don’t, either — morality or intellectual honesty from the left. They’ve demonstrated over and over a willingness to say or do anything to advance their agenda. It’s what they do. It’s what we fight against here every day. But this is the mistake I made. In fighting them on this issue last week, I became like them.

Against my own instincts, against my own knowledge, against everything I know to be right and wrong I descended to their level when I used those two words to describe Sandra Fluke. That was my error. I became like them, and I feel very badly about that. I’ve always tried to maintain a very high degree of integrity and independence on this program. Nevertheless, those two words were inappropriate. They were uncalled for. They distracted from the point that I was actually trying to make, and I again sincerely apologize to Ms. Fluke for using those two words to describe her. I do not think she is either of those two words. I did not think last week that she is either of those two words.

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Our guest columnist is a thrice-divorced drug-addled fat fuck.

For over 20 years, I have illustrated the absurd with absurdity, three hours a day, five days a week. In this instance, I chose the wrong words in my analogy of the situation. I did not mean a personal attack on Ms. Fluke.

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Yes, we know, the event is in Arizona. But Arizona’s winner-take-all, and all the action’s in Michigan. So with that pitiful excuse for a premise, we welcome you to our new-model GOP Debate Open Thread/Crash Test. We’re illustrating it with the notorious Mustang II, because like the candidates, it’s a pale imitation of the original.

“Mitt Romney and Ron Paul told the Georgia Republican Party, Ohio Republican Party and CNN Thursday that they will not participate in the March 1 Republican presidential primary debate.” The debate has been canceled. [CNN, via TPM]

Have the Internets exhausted all the available Moon Base gags yet? Anything left at IMDb to reference? We’re covered on the Mormon Afterlife comparisons?

Well, then, nothing left to do but pour yourself a tall one of spiked Tang and strap yourself in as we launch our GOP Debate Open Thread/Celestial Unreasoning. With any luck, all the candidates will be Marooned and we’ll never hear from them again.

Welcome to Florida, everybody! Speaker Gingrich, Governor Romney, Senator Santorum, Dr. Evol, please take your places. You’ll see we’ve laid out a swell spread of comestibles for tonight’s GOP Debate Open Thread/Pie Fight. Please, don’t be stingy. There’s much more where that came from.

Newt hates Mitt. Ron hates Jon. Rick hates everyone who has joy in their life. Sounds like the premise for a zany Armageddon sitcom, or our GOP Debate Open Thread/Pie Fight. Or both.