To the Moon, Alice!

Have the Internets exhausted all the available Moon Base gags yet? Anything left at IMDb to reference? We’re covered on the Mormon Afterlife comparisons?

Well, then, nothing left to do but pour yourself a tall one of spiked Tang and strap yourself in as we launch our GOP Debate Open Thread/Celestial Unreasoning. With any luck, all the candidates will be Marooned and we’ll never hear from them again.


If only it was held in Miami Beach instead of Jacksonville, I could have nailed the Jackie Gleason reference.

They’ve got my attention for the first hour, but for the second it’s over to Project Runway All Stars.

Let us begin the proceedings with a refreshing Sierra Nevada Torpedo.

Let’s set this up: Last debate before the Florida Primary, and perhaps for the next month. Mittens is edging ahead in polling, but with early balloting, I haven’t seen a guess who’s already committed themselves. And since it’s winner-take-all, Frothy and Dr. Evol are looking elsewhere for delegates.

Also, Sierra Nevada Torpedo has an interesting bitter edge. Just like tonight!

But first, your Traditional CNN Reality-Show Opening.

Traditional CNN Reality-Show Opening includes clip of Mitt saying “We’re not choosing a talk-show host.”

Shouldn’t have tuned in early. Someone (CNN?) fact-checked Gingrich’s claim at an earlier debate to have people on hand, at ABC’s disposal, to rebut Marianne’s allegations (which is ridiculous on its face — unless they were present during the conversation, who cares what they have to say?), and, lo and behold, it turns out that was some first-grade bullshit. Erin Burnett ventured to suggest that Newt lied. John King’s response? “He misspoke, anyway.” Gah.

“We’re watching the biggest political bomb man’s ever made!

-cheap Space 1999 reference.

In space, nobody can hear you sing the National Anthem.

Tough call: Does the Alien pop out of Newt or Ron Paul?

Mitt’s smirk could choke a Death Star general.

Questioning begins with a pander on illegal immigration. Oh, wait, it’s Florida. Make it work!

Dr. Evol on illegal immigration: “If you have a healthy, vibrant economy, it’s not a problem.” Which is why it’s only been an issue for the past four years.

Mittens: “My father was born in Mexico.” Birther Alert!

Ooh, strong answer from Mitt on immigration.

I’m just tuning in and holy cow, Mitt Romney just whacked Newt Gingrich.

Newt won’t make eye contact with Mitt!

Mittens: Having a difference of opinion “does not justify labeling people with highly charged epithets.”

Epithets? Can you say that without spitting?

@Serolf Divad: Mitt’s been practicing that whack all day.

Newt is sad that immigrant grandmothers can’t get a job.

Mittens: “Our problem is not eleven million grandmothers.”

Here’s my read:

Gingrich is actually concerned that the GOP is digging its own grave by antagonizing Latinos. Either that or he thinks that he’ll need some in the general election.

Romney’s not doing himself any favors by not having any idea what his ads say.

How was Mitt not prepped for the “language of living in a ghetto” question?!

Politifact — which is in the doghouse — finds the Gingrich quote:

We should replace bilingual education with immersion in English so people learn the common language of the country and so they learn the language of prosperity, not the language of living in a ghetto

He never said “Spanish is the language of the ghetto.” That was merely the context.

Wow, Santorum supports the military coup in Honduras. That’s pretty old school.

Santorum, praising the virtues of the European common currency/market that’s about to collapse.

@nojo: Newt’s not so dumb that he didn’t know what he was saying and how it would come across.

In general, all languages except english are the language of the ghetto. Nice save, Newt… NOT.

For once I appreciate Mitt’s smugness: “You said it.”

Somebody else robosigns Mitt’s campaign ads.

“A whistle blower and not a horn tooter”… looks like Mitt’s hired some professionals to coach him for debate prep.

And now, here it is, your moment of Freddie Smack.

@Serolf Divad: Somebody hired the Crazy Eyes debate coach, but I forget whether it was Mitt.

@mellbell: Top Gear reruns instead of this mess … keep me in the loop.

This is the part in the movie where Newt Gingrich didn’t win the GOP nomination.

So sad, because he was entertaining.

Newt on his investments vs. Mitt’s: “That’s like comparing a tiny mouse to a giant elephant.” Oh snap!

@mellbell: should have said “hippo” – elephant is GOP symbol.

“Affirmative action” Ugh, Ron Paul you really don’t want to go there.

Dr. Evol explains the housing crisis for you. Except the part about CDOs, bundling, and robosigning.

Newt just gave Santorum an “I wanna toss your salad” look.

@Serolf Divad: Confirmed: It was Mitt who hired Bachmann’s debate coach.

@Serolf Divad: I’m not familiar with that look. But I didn’t see Original Andrew salivating over Silent Creative Partner yesterday.


Also the fantasy about the CRA being responsible for a crisis that mostly involved shadow banking institutions that weren’t subject to the CRA. But hey, what’s a little wishful thinking among friends, eh?

@Serolf Divad: I’m actually surprised to see Ron Paul indulging in it. He doesn’t have a stake in the GOP establishment.

Newt to Wolf: Thank you for letting me attack you.

LOL, Newt Ginrich spends the past umpteen debates attacking Mitt Romney for his wealth and now that Santorum got that applause line he’s decided that its unfair to talk about it on stage.

Newt: What I say at a campaign event isn’t worth bringing up at a debate.

Or how deregulation basically fucked us all.

This is a Mitt Romney I’ve never seen… quick on the uptake. I seriously doubt he was coached on that “don’t you hate people who say one thing in interviews but then won’t say it in debates.”

Newt Gingrich is sounding like a wounded puppy and the audience is booing him, too.

And at :45, somebody gets around to mentioning Obama.

@Serolf Divad: I think they’re booing Wolf for not moving on to something Newt actually wants to talk about.

Frothy Mix: “We need to have as much money funneling through this economy as possible.” So, let’s hire back all those laid-off government workers.

Dr. Evol: “Warfare system”. Good line, dude. Even if you’re a freak.

Ron Pal’s Medical records (long form version):

Diagnosis: Clinical Insanity.

NASA pandering! Free move for everyone!

Mitt Romney, who’s never so much as sipped a cup of caffeinated coffee is happy to release his medical records but still won’t release back taxes.

Did Paul really just cite age discrimination laws favorably? Rand must be so disappointed.

I almost ran JFK’s Rice University speech this morning. You need a damn good reason to blow those kind of bucks.

Problem with a moon base is that once we start scouting a good location we’re likely to bump into the secret Nazi moonbase that was built in late 1944. Then we’d have the expense of fighting another war wit the Hitler’s clones all over again.

@mellbell: Good point. I was thinking about St. Ronnie’s line.

Screw NASA. Kids, the future is iPad apps.


I think there was a touch of sarcasm in his voice.


Seriously a permanent NASA moonbase app would probably cost .99 cents, assuming it wasn’t free and ad based.

Say, which private company was behind the Space Shuttle O-ring fiasco?

Ron Paul should just stick with “we shouldn’t spend the money on it” but its ludicrous to suggest that private industry has any interest in space beyond communications and GPS satellites.

LOL, Newt Gingrich wants a 90% private enterprise funded moonbase.

Oh snap, Mitt Romney is singing the Teabbager anthem!


I hate it when it turns out I was channeling one of these guys. Now I gotta take a shower.

I love it when Newt takes credit for Bubba’s achievements.


Ah yeah, forgot about space tourism. I doubt Branson makes any money off it, though.

15 years ago we weren’t in that situation because we had a Democrat in office.

@mellbell: The whole balanced-budget thing. Of course, Bubba can’t claim credit for it, either. But Newt’s trying to have it both ways: I balanced the budget as Speaker, never mind who the President was at the time.

Dr. Evol: “We have a government-created recession.” Oh, really? Unless you mean the part about repealing Glass-Steagall.

Ron Paul thinks medical care has gotten more expensive because of government intervention.

As usual the guy starts from the premise that the government must be the cause of the problem.

And Gingrich just described one of the central features of Obamacare (medical exchanges).

Did Mitt just endorse Obamacare?

So Mitt Romney just endorsed a protectionist economic policy vis. a vis. China.

It’s like somebody just reminded Frothy Mix that he’s running for President. I haven’t seen this dude before.

As a free-rider freelancer, I’m really enjoying this discussion about whose healthcare plan fucks me over more thoroughly.

Americans would be better off getting a job with a major corporation. Running your own business is a fool’s game.

Newt just announced Marco Rubio for veep.

Oh, boy, I wanna hear Ron Paul answer this one.

Ron Paul doesn’t actually know anyone who isn’t white.

Wolf: “Why would your wife make the best First Lady?”

Because we’ve run out of Issues.

Gingrich’s wife has the best Jewelry.

@Serolf Divad: I’ll bet he does — he’s a border politician, after all — but the question was an invitation to pander, and he didn’t bite.

Romney’s wife is made of 100% polypropylene.

I just saw William Shatner die a fiery death in a Priceline commercial.

Mitch Daniels just dodged a bullet. (Hello, Mellbell!)


You may be right, but when it comes to Ron Paul and issues of race, I need hard evidence. I’m not willing to take anything on faith.

@nojo: Morton Thiokol – didn’t even have to look it up.

LOL, Ron Paul’s been married to his wife longer than Mitt.

Well, since the question’s on the floor: What kind of healthcare has Mitt’s MS/breast cancer wife received?

“All three of the wives…”No, Newt… that is NOT how you want to start you answer.


The kind that only $260,000,000.00 can buy.

Newt: “My wife: I think I’ll keep her. Unlike the last two.”

Santorum’s wife is at home, barefoot and in the kitchen as befits a Santorum wife.

Fuck you, Frothy. My mom squirted out two kids and worked all her life.


Finally found one who was pretty enough to be first lady.

@blogenfreude: Good call. I’d have to Google the O-ring company. I just remember the icewater demo.

Wait… we’re going back to real questions?

Oh, Mitt, don’t make me find that story about all the SLC Olympics government subsidies.

You know who else put on a very successful Olympic games that everyone still talks about to this day?

Yes, but who is Ron Reagan endorsing?

Noriega? WTF are you talking about, Rickky?

I’m seeing Frothy Mix on a tee with a Che beret.

Ron Paul is wrong, sanctions will ultimately free Cuba… in another 53 years.

Things that happened in 1959: Alaska, Hawaii, Cuba, and me.

I wonder when the Chinese will set up shop in Cuba? I wonder how dumb these guys (sans Paul) will feel then?

Question from the audience: “As a Palestian-American-Republican, I’m here to tell you we do exist.”

But on the verge of extinction.

@nojo: Contact – best supporting actor was a ’69 Chevy Impala SS.

Romney pushes the ridiculous caricature of the Israeli/Palestinian conflict that is typical these days.

Imagine your olive groves being torn down by the country next door. How many of you would be for the peace process?

Poor ol Abraham Hassan… gotta feel like the loneliest man in the world right now.

Newt: Puerto Rico has to get in line behind DC and the Moon base.

Puerto Rico population: 3,989,133. Between Oklahoma and Connecticut.

Oooops, here comes the religio question.

And Ron Paul passes the test.

Romney would seek the guidance of the Angel Moroni.

Mitt Romney wants some of what Ron Paul’s been smoking.

For once, could we have a discussion about Deism?

@mellbell: No, I was extrapolating. Granting statehood to a colony of 15,000 has me riled up.

Newt plays the “war against Christianity” bullshit.

How about standing up for christian values through your own example, Newt.

My Creator tastes great with meat sauce.

Rick Santorum would institute a theocracy.

But, of course, we already knew that.

Ah, flop sweat: Obama’s been a footnote tonight.


The Goddess is a Vegan, Nojo. And no, she doesn’t shave her armpits.

Local ad for “The Real Las Vegas” followed by local ad for Viejas Casino.

I would actually LOVE to see an Obama / Ron Paul debate.

Dr. Evol: I can beat Obama because I haven’t pandered to racists in twenty years.

Newt Gingrich would create 20 million jobs just by offering them to people instead of food stamps.

Newt’s grandchildren are the spawn of his first wife.

The global warming hoax, brought to you by the same people who brought you the heliocentrism hoax

I have the utmost appreciation for all of you who are actually watching this. This is what’s meant by taking one for the team. Nojo and Serolf are my heroes, but I worry about the IQ points they have got to be losing.

And, scene! Note to Brian Williams: Let the audience cheer!

Wow, so Anderson Cooper just mentioned that Mitt Romney has a new debate coach. So I was right about that.

@Dave H: I’d like to thank the fine brewers of Sierra Nevada and Kona Brewing Co.

Just like to point out that none of the four knew how to correctly knot his tie.

Romney, soaked in cash all his life, chose crêpe de chine which has never been OK. It doesn’t knot properly always slithers into a weeny widget exposing the collar button. Though props to the tailoring of his collar which sat very well though the same couldn’t be said of his shirt. The suit was obviously made from some good stuff but cut too loose in the breast which gives him a stodgy look when he should be going for Cary Grant.

RP really needs to buy something that isn’t four sizes too big, unless he’s going for zany old man in he basement. It only served to make him look more the wizened homunculus and less the head of state.

And what does Newt G have in his lapel? It looks like some kind of bejeweled mezuzah. The suit is a fiasco – a Hefty bag? The dingy shirt is not good and it comes nowhere near fitting. But then, I suppose given the state of his neck it’s hard to know where exactly the collar should lie. Perhaps that’s really his belly? Who can say? Plus he seemed to be pregnant with the AntiChrist. Something sure was straining against the buttons. His entrance looked like the opening of the Huddersfield Christmas panto of Puss in Boots, waddling in like the comic relief before the Principal Boy arrives. Given the state of his body his best bet would be to get himself to Saville Row and spend a fortune on something just a tad over-tailored to give some semblance of of line. A corset might also be deployed. I’d suggest a charcoal grey in the same range as his hair to add drama – a trick our president employs to devastating effect. But definitely he should steer clear of any kind of cream-colored shirts and stick to white. Cream only makes his face look like pork fat slathered in Cover Girl Surprise Pink blush.

But good to see the MC ignore Frothy and Paul to let Romney – who seemed to be on top pissing down Newt’s throat – have his head. In all its productified glory. He’s a handsome man: he shouldn’t be so repulsive to look at.

@nojo: Were those groves calamata olives? Because that would mean war.

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