Let’s be honest: At this point in our life, we’ve seen dozens of State of the Union addresses. And we remember nothing about them. Except the Adderall part, where nobody can fucking sit still.

Up! Down! Up! Down! It’s like an interpretive dance of Republican primary polling.

But we love them nonetheless, which is why we welcome you to our SOTU Open Thread/Jazzercise Workout. Remember, the more you sweat, the more you can drink.

When new evidence confirms that he was framed, reporter Harry Barber (Woody Harrelson) is released from prison after serving two years. He then goes on to demonstrate repeatedly that he is the dumbest, most masochistic noir hero since Adam ate the apple. His original plan, to leave Palmetto, is foiled when he runs into his girlfriend Nina (Gina Gershon), a successful sculptor who truly loves him. Unfortunately, he also runs into Rhea Malroux (Elisabeth Shue), a conniving femme fatale and wife of a dying millionaire, who offers him $50,000 for a small part in a phony kidnapping of her stepdaughter Odette (Chloe Sevigny). Feeling that he is owed something for his lost two years, and blinded by Rhea’s sexuality, Harry agrees to participate even after he realizes he was set up from the very beginning. Complicating matters for himself, he also accepts an offer from the DA to serve as press liaison on the case. As the kidnapping careens out of control, Harry’s involvement follows the same trajectory. His downfall is that he thinks he’s clever, but his ability to think rationally is compromised from the start and worsens fro—

Whoa, whoa, whoa. That’s a blurb for the movie Palmetto, not the opening for our South Carolina GOP Primary Open Thread/Film Blanc. But if Newt is Woody, and Mitt, Frothy Mix and Dr. Evol are Gina, Elisabeth and Chloe, it just might work.

No doubt Mittens, et al., will hyperventilate to see the definitive proof that President Obama wants to declare class warfare on the capitalist 0.00001%:

Black Eagle shares a terrorist fist-bump with a janitor in the Executive Office Building! Hide the Bentley! Hide the billions! Hide the hookers! They’re coming for you, Mitones!

Let’s be honest: We burned our “You Can’t Get There From Here” gag yesterday, we’ve spent hours trying to riff on the state nickname, and all we can come up with is a Rocky Horror reference. But in welcoming you to our New Hampshire Primary Open Thread/Time Warp, we take solace in the fact that Mitt’s a lock anyway, so there’s no point going to much trouble.

Hey, did you know that Dennis Rodman is going to coach a topless women’s basketball team in NYC? “I don’t know too many men that don’t like a good-looking woman running up and down around the court,” he says. Which has nothing to do with our Iowa Caucus Open Thread/Deep Throat, but then, Iowa Republicans have nothing to do with the rest of America.

[via Nabisco]

And another Nice Old Lady finds herself the victim of the GOP voter-supression scam:

Ninety-one-year-old Virginia Lasater has voted and worked in campaigns for some 70 years. But Wednesday she ran head-long into the barrier Tennessee’s new voter photo ID law is throwing up for some elderly people.

Care to guess?

Read more »

And with that classic Steve Martin line, we welcome you to our GOP Debate Open Thread/Breastacular! — because there are too many possible Vegas references to attempt in a formal introduction. Tip your host for the best seats!