Jumping Jack Flash

Let’s be honest: At this point in our life, we’ve seen dozens of State of the Union addresses. And we remember nothing about them. Except the Adderall part, where nobody can fucking sit still.

Up! Down! Up! Down! It’s like an interpretive dance of Republican primary polling.

But we love them nonetheless, which is why we welcome you to our SOTU Open Thread/Jazzercise Workout. Remember, the more you sweat, the more you can drink.

127 comments:

8:47 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Charmin commercial on MSNBC: “Enjoy the Go”.

Why don’t they just come out and say it?

8:53 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

In case of Armageddon, Tom Vilsack will be the leader of the Free World.

8:56 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Gabby Giffords arrives. The one honest standing ovation of the evening.

8:58 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Who do we have to blame for SOTU special-guest shout-outs? Michael Deaver. Reagan.

8:59 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Shelly O is in electric blue tonight. After the speech, she’ll hit the town as a Batman villainess.

9:05 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Ladies and Gentlemen, The Preznit of These United States!

9:09 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Rachel observes that Crazy Eyes isn’t aisle-hogging the way she used to.

9:12 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Plugz and Agent Orange are passing a flask between them.

9:12 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Holy crap, Barack Obama looks yellow on my TV screen. Not sorta yellowish, but right yellow.

9:13 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

It’s the same on every channel!

9:13 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Obama mentions Osama, drops mic, walks off.

9:14 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@Serolf Divad: You’re right. They must be color-correcting on Boehner.

9:15 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@nojo:

So it’s not just me?

9:15 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

B-25: the best product on earth. Better even than cheese wiz?

9:15 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

“My grandfather, a veteran of Patton’s Army…”

Wingnuts heads pop across America.

9:16 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@Serolf Divad: The cheeks are especially bright.

9:16 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Ooops, everyone does their fair share. Did he mean pays?

9:18 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@nojo:

They’re probably picturing Patton’s black manservant from the movie. Little do they realize Obama’s grandpappy was a white guy.

9:18 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

“I won’t mention the previous President by name, but y’all know who I’m talking about.”

9:19 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Creating jobs for the first time since the last time we had a Democratic president.

9:19 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

“The State of Our Union is getting stronger.” I was wondering how he would finesse that one.

9:20 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

So how many shots do we have to drink if Obama comes out and says:

“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know My name is the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon thee. “

9:21 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Obama should ride the GM success story as far as it will take him. Fuck Mitt “let Detroit go bankrupt” Romney.

9:22 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

UNION, beyotches!

9:23 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

OMG, this wierd color situation makes John Kerry look like one of the living dead.

9:25 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

“Ask not how you can flee the country . . . “

9:25 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Well, the GOP candidates will have new things to lie about on Thursday.

9:25 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Eric Cantor is a jagoff.

9:25 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@nojo: Yow!

9:27 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

“Law & Order: Trade Enforcement Unit”. Chung-chung!

9:27 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@Serolf Divad: “We’re Number 1!”

You see Agent Orange on that one about GM? “Oh, yeah. That.”

“He said ‘semens.'”

9:28 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

You see Hillz in a headband? Just like ’92.

9:28 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Cantor is not a happy person tonight.

9:29 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Barry’s got the fire in the belly tonight.

9:30 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Republicans: Get a job, bums.

Demrats: Here, let us help you get a job.

9:31 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

“We have the skillz to pay the billz!”

Beastie Boys!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4d-YYfNZc4

9:33 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Olympia Snowe looked like she swallowed a sweet tart without the sweet just there.

9:33 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Al Franken sitting next to Bernie Sanders…. it’s like a lefty wet dream.

9:36 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

“Boots on the Border”. You’ll hear that one again this fall.

9:36 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Johnny McCain sitting this one out, even though he was for immigration reform ’till recently.

9:37 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Let’s see who sits out the “women should earn equal pay” line.

9:37 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Hey, if you’re going to mention Steve Jobs, you might mention Foxconn…

9:38 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@Serolf Divad: So that woman on ABC’s feed is not McCain in drag? Waiting for Obama to reprise “Let’s Stay Together” for his big finish.

9:38 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@nojo:

Dorm rooms: they’re not just for college kids any more.

9:39 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Who is the pretty blonde CNN keeps showing?
Also, could I say how depressing it is that we’re still having to call for equal pay for equal work?

9:39 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Tonight, I’m sacrificing the coasts to my re-election.

9:40 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Whose line was “All of the Above”? Kristol? Newt?

9:40 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@Mistress Cynica:

My wife said the name “Jobs” appeared under her picture. Steve’s wife?

9:41 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

It was public research dollars… you hear that Ron Paul?

9:41 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Safety in fracking is not popular. Tainting water is.

9:42 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

The battery in the pacemaker that’s kept Dick Cheney alive loooong after he should, by all rights be stoking off Satan? American made!

9:43 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

“Some companies fail.” Hellooooo, Solyndra!

9:43 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@Serolf Divad: Yes.

9:43 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Obama’s taking on the Soylindra non-scandal head on.

9:44 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Clean energy on public lands! Tyranny!

9:45 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Clean energy on public lands? Is it that clean coal boolshit again?

Actually, new draft regs for leasing of Indian tribal lands has a new part on leasing for solar and wind projects. Arrays and wind towers – coming to a reservation near you!

Community Chest card: “Peace dividend. Collect $10.”

9:46 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Barry sounds just a little too upbeat talking about our crumbling infrastructure.

9:46 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

“Send me a bill!” I think we’re going to see a lot more Senate votes to put Repugs on the record…

9:47 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@Serolf Divad: Optimism wins elections.

9:48 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@redmanlaw: Hilary’s hair is officially tragic.

9:48 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

The phrase “work hard and play by the rules” should be confined to the dustbin of painful cliches.

9:49 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

If Barry knew how to demagogue, he’d talk about “Wall Street Welfare Queens”.

9:50 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@Serolf Divad: Spilled milk topped it. Or bottomed it.

9:51 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

One example of an outdated commercial regulation – people selling goods and services on Indian reservations are required to get “Indian trader” licenses. Also, Title 25 of the U.S. Code regulates wagons to be used on Indian reservations. For reals.

9:52 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

DEATH PANELS FOR BANKS!

9:52 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@redmanlaw: Don’t worry, they’ll soon update them to cover horseless carriages, too.

9:53 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@nojo:

Even Sarah Palin’s retarded bank?

9:53 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Quickly followed by “L&O: Financial Crimes Unit”.

9:54 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@nojo: Beat me to it.

9:57 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Here comes the “Millionaire Welfare Queens” line…

9:58 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

And another year goes by without bothering about us lowly freelancers who pay the whole 15% in Social Security/Medicare…

9:59 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Actually, most Americans are thinking about the Super Bowl.

10:01 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Call them out, Barry!

10:01 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

“Send me a bill that bans insider trading by members of Congress.”

Or don’t, and let me bang on that one for a few months.

10:03 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

John Boehner looks like he’s sitting on a frozen dildo.

10:05 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Innocent families are also scrambling. From the drones.

10:06 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@Mistress Cynica: Wow. I’m not even going to mention Hillary. Too cruel.

10:08 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

The applause for a “peaceful resolution” with Iran is very sparse.

10:09 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

“And tonight, I am announcing that America has annexed Israel as the 51st state.”

10:09 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@nojo: She looks exhausted. I’m really concerned.

10:10 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

“America is back.”

10:10 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@nojo:

Sure it’s not the other way around?

10:10 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@redmanlaw:

Fuck yeah!

10:11 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@redmanlaw: @Serolf Divad: “And good luck to Governor Romney trying to say otherwise.”

10:12 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Our freedom endures because your redneck cousin who couldn’t figure out what to do with his life and was always getting into trouble finally joined the Army just to get the Hell out of Smidgensville.

10:12 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Dudes who served in the finest military in the world become satellite dish installers when they come back. You think we’d do better for people like my friend who was deployed as a national guardsman.

10:15 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

“Oh, did you forget about Bin Laden so soon? Here, let me remind you again.”

10:15 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@redmanlaw:

Yeah, but if they all became hedge fund managers it would kill our tax base.

10:16 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Stay tuned for Tuesday Night Fights with Mitch Daniels!

10:17 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Seal Team Six for President. The End.

10:17 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Plus, I think Herman Cain! is delivering the Teabagger Response. But that may only be CNN.

10:18 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@nojo:

Ugh, I don’t have the stomach for it.

10:18 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@Marcel Parcells:

Seal Team Six for military junta.

10:19 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@Serolf Divad: Team America,

10:20 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Mr. President was en fuego

10:22 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Waiting for the well-thought-out, reasonable response from the GOP. Or else the screaming demagoguery of a Teabagging nimrod.

10:22 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@nojo: Is that the Mitch whose wife took a 4 year vacation with another man? That’s all I can remember about him.

10:23 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@texrednface: As long as he keeps his head low, we don’t mention that. But he’s not keeping his head low tonight.

10:26 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@nojo: Why should you ever mention it? His wife made a big mistake and he bore it well.

10:28 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@mellbell: Depends on whether he demands of other people what he can’t live up to in his own life. Families are off-limits, except for family-values demagogues.

10:29 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

And now, your Debbie Downer Moment.

10:30 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@nojo: But where did he fall short? I just don’t get it.

10:30 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Actually, Mitch, government jobs have been declining. That’s why unemployment remains higher than it could be.

10:31 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

The burden is light on the 1%, however.

10:31 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@nojo: So jeers of “Cuckold” are off limits?

10:32 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@mellbell: He never ran, so the question never came to the table. But if he ran, and expressed less understanding of other people’s families than his own, he would be fair game.

10:32 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@texrednface: As long as he doesn’t cross the line, the hounds remain leashed.

10:32 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

The Republican Response, brought to you from that alternate universe where Spock is evil and wears a beard.

10:33 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Mitch Daniels endorses Steve Jobs, World-Historical Acid Head.

10:33 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@nojo: Counterfactual.

10:35 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Mitch is right. Let’s apply the SS/Medicare tax to all income.

10:35 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@mellbell: Contingent hypothetical.

10:37 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

I’m surprised Mitch went this long without a baldfaced lie. Who’s demonizing whom?

10:37 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

“Other Category”?Does that include the Gays

10:38 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

In what world does anybody pick their health insurance?

10:44 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

That’s all, folks! Fox, MSNBC and CNN are ignoring the Hermanator tonight.

10:49 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@matador1015: Holy Fucking Hell!!! COTD! / stealing w/attribution

10:58 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@redmanlaw: I’ll be here till waitresses! Try the Tuesday! Don’t forget to tip your veal!

11:36 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

@matador1015:

Barry in GOPer’s Mirror mirror universe.
http://www.infobarrel.com/media/image/8555_featured.jpg

11:58 pm • Tuesday • January 24, 2012

Well I, for one, am relieved to know that the state of our union is still strong.

That whole “ongoing apocalyptic financial collapse” from which 80% of the country is still suffering had me worried there for a sec.

12:15 am • Wednesday • January 25, 2012

@ManchuCandidate: If alt-universe Michelle is wearing the slit-dress kimono, then I’d definitely watch that.

12:29 am • Wednesday • January 25, 2012
8:41 am • Wednesday • January 25, 2012

Puzzle: where can Black Eagle go now that he’s ordered successful capture/kill/rescue ops in the Middle East and now Somalia?

I hope it doesn’t rhyme with tuba.

11:59 am • Wednesday • January 25, 2012

@Nabisco: Maybe he’ll liven up the Republican Convention with a visit from Seal Team 6.

That would improve the ratings.

12:13 pm • Wednesday • January 25, 2012

@Nabisco: Fidel doesn’t have nukes, so I’d put my money on North Korea before Cuba.

12:50 pm • Wednesday • January 25, 2012

@Nabisco: Here’s my guess as rendered by 80’s New Wavers A Flock of Seagulls.

Wow – note the Simmons electronic drums in that video. Where did they ever go?

5:17 pm • Wednesday • January 25, 2012

@SanFranLefty: I just find it interesting that Black Eagle has achieved success with special ops where his two Dem predecessors literally crashed and burned. I’m on the other side of the planet now and too jet lagged to check for myself, but are the tubez burning at all with his Somalia rescue?

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