Jumping Jack Flash

Let’s be honest: At this point in our life, we’ve seen dozens of State of the Union addresses. And we remember nothing about them. Except the Adderall part, where nobody can fucking sit still.

Up! Down! Up! Down! It’s like an interpretive dance of Republican primary polling.

But we love them nonetheless, which is why we welcome you to our SOTU Open Thread/Jazzercise Workout. Remember, the more you sweat, the more you can drink.


Charmin commercial on MSNBC: “Enjoy the Go”.

Why don’t they just come out and say it?

In case of Armageddon, Tom Vilsack will be the leader of the Free World.

Gabby Giffords arrives. The one honest standing ovation of the evening.

Who do we have to blame for SOTU special-guest shout-outs? Michael Deaver. Reagan.

Shelly O is in electric blue tonight. After the speech, she’ll hit the town as a Batman villainess.

Ladies and Gentlemen, The Preznit of These United States!

Rachel observes that Crazy Eyes isn’t aisle-hogging the way she used to.

Plugz and Agent Orange are passing a flask between them.

Holy crap, Barack Obama looks yellow on my TV screen. Not sorta yellowish, but right yellow.

Obama mentions Osama, drops mic, walks off.

@Serolf Divad: You’re right. They must be color-correcting on Boehner.

B-25: the best product on earth. Better even than cheese wiz?

“My grandfather, a veteran of Patton’s Army…”

Wingnuts heads pop across America.

Ooops, everyone does their fair share. Did he mean pays?


They’re probably picturing Patton’s black manservant from the movie. Little do they realize Obama’s grandpappy was a white guy.

“I won’t mention the previous President by name, but y’all know who I’m talking about.”

Creating jobs for the first time since the last time we had a Democratic president.

“The State of Our Union is getting stronger.” I was wondering how he would finesse that one.

So how many shots do we have to drink if Obama comes out and says:

“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know My name is the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon thee. “

Obama should ride the GM success story as far as it will take him. Fuck Mitt “let Detroit go bankrupt” Romney.

OMG, this wierd color situation makes John Kerry look like one of the living dead.

“Ask not how you can flee the country . . . “

Well, the GOP candidates will have new things to lie about on Thursday.

“Law & Order: Trade Enforcement Unit”. Chung-chung!

@Serolf Divad: “We’re Number 1!”

You see Agent Orange on that one about GM? “Oh, yeah. That.”

“He said ‘semens.'”

You see Hillz in a headband? Just like ’92.

Cantor is not a happy person tonight.

Barry’s got the fire in the belly tonight.

Republicans: Get a job, bums.

Demrats: Here, let us help you get a job.

Olympia Snowe looked like she swallowed a sweet tart without the sweet just there.

Al Franken sitting next to Bernie Sanders…. it’s like a lefty wet dream.

“Boots on the Border”. You’ll hear that one again this fall.

Johnny McCain sitting this one out, even though he was for immigration reform ’till recently.

Let’s see who sits out the “women should earn equal pay” line.

Hey, if you’re going to mention Steve Jobs, you might mention Foxconn…

@Serolf Divad: So that woman on ABC’s feed is not McCain in drag? Waiting for Obama to reprise “Let’s Stay Together” for his big finish.


Dorm rooms: they’re not just for college kids any more.

Who is the pretty blonde CNN keeps showing?
Also, could I say how depressing it is that we’re still having to call for equal pay for equal work?

Tonight, I’m sacrificing the coasts to my re-election.

Whose line was “All of the Above”? Kristol? Newt?

@Mistress Cynica:

My wife said the name “Jobs” appeared under her picture. Steve’s wife?

It was public research dollars… you hear that Ron Paul?

Safety in fracking is not popular. Tainting water is.

The battery in the pacemaker that’s kept Dick Cheney alive loooong after he should, by all rights be stoking off Satan? American made!

“Some companies fail.” Hellooooo, Solyndra!

Obama’s taking on the Soylindra non-scandal head on.

Clean energy on public lands! Tyranny!

Clean energy on public lands? Is it that clean coal boolshit again?

Actually, new draft regs for leasing of Indian tribal lands has a new part on leasing for solar and wind projects. Arrays and wind towers – coming to a reservation near you!

Community Chest card: “Peace dividend. Collect $10.”

Barry sounds just a little too upbeat talking about our crumbling infrastructure.

“Send me a bill!” I think we’re going to see a lot more Senate votes to put Repugs on the record…

The phrase “work hard and play by the rules” should be confined to the dustbin of painful cliches.

If Barry knew how to demagogue, he’d talk about “Wall Street Welfare Queens”.

@Serolf Divad: Spilled milk topped it. Or bottomed it.

One example of an outdated commercial regulation – people selling goods and services on Indian reservations are required to get “Indian trader” licenses. Also, Title 25 of the U.S. Code regulates wagons to be used on Indian reservations. For reals.

@redmanlaw: Don’t worry, they’ll soon update them to cover horseless carriages, too.

Quickly followed by “L&O: Financial Crimes Unit”.

Here comes the “Millionaire Welfare Queens” line…

And another year goes by without bothering about us lowly freelancers who pay the whole 15% in Social Security/Medicare…

Actually, most Americans are thinking about the Super Bowl.

“Send me a bill that bans insider trading by members of Congress.”

Or don’t, and let me bang on that one for a few months.

John Boehner looks like he’s sitting on a frozen dildo.

Innocent families are also scrambling. From the drones.

@Mistress Cynica: Wow. I’m not even going to mention Hillary. Too cruel.

The applause for a “peaceful resolution” with Iran is very sparse.

“And tonight, I am announcing that America has annexed Israel as the 51st state.”

@nojo: She looks exhausted. I’m really concerned.


Sure it’s not the other way around?

@redmanlaw: @Serolf Divad: “And good luck to Governor Romney trying to say otherwise.”

Our freedom endures because your redneck cousin who couldn’t figure out what to do with his life and was always getting into trouble finally joined the Army just to get the Hell out of Smidgensville.

Dudes who served in the finest military in the world become satellite dish installers when they come back. You think we’d do better for people like my friend who was deployed as a national guardsman.

“Oh, did you forget about Bin Laden so soon? Here, let me remind you again.”


Yeah, but if they all became hedge fund managers it would kill our tax base.

Stay tuned for Tuesday Night Fights with Mitch Daniels!

Plus, I think Herman Cain! is delivering the Teabagger Response. But that may only be CNN.


Ugh, I don’t have the stomach for it.

Waiting for the well-thought-out, reasonable response from the GOP. Or else the screaming demagoguery of a Teabagging nimrod.

@nojo: Is that the Mitch whose wife took a 4 year vacation with another man? That’s all I can remember about him.

@texrednface: As long as he keeps his head low, we don’t mention that. But he’s not keeping his head low tonight.

@nojo: Why should you ever mention it? His wife made a big mistake and he bore it well.

@mellbell: Depends on whether he demands of other people what he can’t live up to in his own life. Families are off-limits, except for family-values demagogues.

And now, your Debbie Downer Moment.

@nojo: But where did he fall short? I just don’t get it.

Actually, Mitch, government jobs have been declining. That’s why unemployment remains higher than it could be.

The burden is light on the 1%, however.

@nojo: So jeers of “Cuckold” are off limits?

@mellbell: He never ran, so the question never came to the table. But if he ran, and expressed less understanding of other people’s families than his own, he would be fair game.

@texrednface: As long as he doesn’t cross the line, the hounds remain leashed.

The Republican Response, brought to you from that alternate universe where Spock is evil and wears a beard.

Mitch Daniels endorses Steve Jobs, World-Historical Acid Head.

Mitch is right. Let’s apply the SS/Medicare tax to all income.

I’m surprised Mitch went this long without a baldfaced lie. Who’s demonizing whom?

“Other Category”?Does that include the Gays

In what world does anybody pick their health insurance?

That’s all, folks! Fox, MSNBC and CNN are ignoring the Hermanator tonight.

@matador1015: Holy Fucking Hell!!! COTD! / stealing w/attribution

@redmanlaw: I’ll be here till waitresses! Try the Tuesday! Don’t forget to tip your veal!

Well I, for one, am relieved to know that the state of our union is still strong.

That whole “ongoing apocalyptic financial collapse” from which 80% of the country is still suffering had me worried there for a sec.

@ManchuCandidate: If alt-universe Michelle is wearing the slit-dress kimono, then I’d definitely watch that.

Puzzle: where can Black Eagle go now that he’s ordered successful capture/kill/rescue ops in the Middle East and now Somalia?

I hope it doesn’t rhyme with tuba.

@Nabisco: Maybe he’ll liven up the Republican Convention with a visit from Seal Team 6.

That would improve the ratings.

@Nabisco: Fidel doesn’t have nukes, so I’d put my money on North Korea before Cuba.

@Nabisco: Here’s my guess as rendered by 80’s New Wavers A Flock of Seagulls.

Wow – note the Simmons electronic drums in that video. Where did they ever go?

@SanFranLefty: I just find it interesting that Black Eagle has achieved success with special ops where his two Dem predecessors literally crashed and burned. I’m on the other side of the planet now and too jet lagged to check for myself, but are the tubez burning at all with his Somalia rescue?

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