In a Town This Bad, It’s No Use Being Good

When new evidence confirms that he was framed, reporter Harry Barber (Woody Harrelson) is released from prison after serving two years. He then goes on to demonstrate repeatedly that he is the dumbest, most masochistic noir hero since Adam ate the apple. His original plan, to leave Palmetto, is foiled when he runs into his girlfriend Nina (Gina Gershon), a successful sculptor who truly loves him. Unfortunately, he also runs into Rhea Malroux (Elisabeth Shue), a conniving femme fatale and wife of a dying millionaire, who offers him $50,000 for a small part in a phony kidnapping of her stepdaughter Odette (Chloe Sevigny). Feeling that he is owed something for his lost two years, and blinded by Rhea’s sexuality, Harry agrees to participate even after he realizes he was set up from the very beginning. Complicating matters for himself, he also accepts an offer from the DA to serve as press liaison on the case. As the kidnapping careens out of control, Harry’s involvement follows the same trajectory. His downfall is that he thinks he’s clever, but his ability to think rationally is compromised from the start and worsens fro—

Whoa, whoa, whoa. That’s a blurb for the movie Palmetto, not the opening for our South Carolina GOP Primary Open Thread/Film Blanc. But if Newt is Woody, and Mitt, Frothy Mix and Dr. Evol are Gina, Elisabeth and Chloe, it just might work.


And let’s strap in. Half-hour of cable chatter, and then: Numbers!

What’s the over/under on Colbert/Cain!? 7%?

I liked Gina Gershon in Bound.

@nojo: Hasn’t Laurence O’Donnell ever heard of anti-glare coating on his Election Night Glasses ™?

In more serious news, the animation gap between Romney and JoePa is apparently narrowing.

Fox is bracing for a Santorum shit storm – I know, redundant.

@Walking Still: Jeez, I thought that would take at least a half-hour…

(ADD: MSNBC is calling it as well.)

Tweety: “This creates an opening that the Obama people can move to the center.”

Dude, Obama’s been center-right all along.

What Tweety should have said is that this forces Mitt even more to the Right, which is totally awesome.

@nojo: But can force him to learn how to put verbs somewhere in the same area code as his nouns?

@Walking Still: I’m not going to call a percentage, but the exit polls must have been overwhelmingly Newt for a solid 7 pm projection. I’ll guess that Newt’s stealing votes from Santorum, so…

Will Colbert beat Santorum?

@nojo: If he does, friend of the show Dan Savage will be thrilled.

So looks like Gingrich is going to run away with this thing. Nothing like a little racist demagoguery to rouse the South Carolina GOP electorate.

@nojo: Fucking NYT won’t say how Colbert is doing… Guess there aren’t many Paultards in South Crackolina.

@nojo: See now, big boy, on another thread I tried to class up the joint by comparing the Neuter/Cally Sue deal to Tosca and you lower the discourse to some LA film school grad’s pathetic attempt to be Howard Hawks? OK. You’re still recovering from waking up in a dumpster at the piers with pubic hair in your teeth and a sailor’s cap in your back pocket. Who among us here couldn’t say the same?

Let’s get our ass out of the gutter and our eyes on the prize. According to Candide (gorgeous score and potentially interesting book crippled by extreme phillistinism of producers, critics, theatergoers, etc. Yes, this is where the Great Gay Anthem Glitter and be Gay! comes from. So when your cousin and his ‘roommate’ start raving about Cristin Chenoweth next Thanksgiving, you can jump in with your informed critique of her perf as Cunegondeh (fantastic technique but camp) in the C Hall staged reading. This will earn you props among my people and your cousin and his ‘friend’). As Pangloss puts it (courtesy of John LaTour):

All’s for the best in
This best of all possible worlds.
No finer test in
This best of all possible worlds.

I have everything crossed for Cain Colbert, ColbertCain.

This is the best election ever.

Did somebody win?

@SanFranLefty: MSNBC isn’t reporting Cain either. I’ll have to chase it down when more numbers come in.

@Benedick: I know Beethoven’s Ninth from Huntley-Brinkley, and I know Candide from Dick Cavett.

Fox says Santorum is number 3. One notch lower than that to which Dan Savage consigned him.

@Serolf Divad: That and “Kill Them” – the new Repug mantra.

TPM has full live results. Cain is drawing less than 1 percent.

Mitt’s speaking first. I thought campaign etiquette called for bottom-up.

Mitt: “We’ve still got a long way to go and a lot of work to do.” Not quite as confident as New Hampshire…

I suspect we’ll have to wait ’till Monday night on The Colbert report to learn how well Cain did.

The big question now is how long this thing is going to play out. Romney is nowhere near quitting, and Gingrich is gaining a head of steam. The Citizens United decision means that money is going to pour in to both of the Gingrich and the Romney campaigns, allowing them to keep fighting, perhaps right on up to the convention. I see an endless series of debates. Santorum will drop out soon, but Paul will probably stay as long as he keeps being allowed into the debates. He has no hope of winning, but that’s not why he’s there. He’s about bringing attention to a set of issues that no other candidate will touch.


Also “Obama is an appeaser…”

Yeah, just ask Osama Bin Ladin and Mohamar Kadhaffi.

@Serolf Divad: Yeah, Ron Paul’s in it for the duration. He’s running a cause, not a candidacy.

Meanwhile, Mittens keeps wrapping himself in the “free enterprise” flag. Can’t wait for those tax returns.

Yes, Mitt, please explain why leveraged buyouts are the bedrock of America.

@nojo: Trashing Newt in his concession speech comes off as pretty damn whiny.

Tweety makes a good point: Mitt’s not talking about jobs any more.

Hooray! Mittens declares victory!!

@Walking Still: It reeked with focus groups and committee meetings. But if Mitt’s gonna trot out a new line, that’s about all that’s left to him.


Romney’s fucked. He’s the candidate of the plutocrats, that’s why the party leadership wants him in there so badly. But among the GOP rank & file ties to Wall Street area as toxic as ties to Simbianese Liberation Army. Let us not forget that the Tea Party has been slamming Barack Obama for the Wall Street bailout as much a the Health Care Reform Act. How Romney thought he could sail through this process without doing something to innoculate himself from this is a mystery.

@nojo: He couldn’t get a Newt Gingrich sex tape out of his $66,600,000 opposition research operation?

Those bangs you’re hearing coming from the white house are champagne corks exploding.

TPM: Perry, 971 votes; Cain, 852.

Okay, so he’s not going to pick off Santorum. But a Colbert/Cain win over Deranger Rick would be sweet enough.

@Serolf Divad: What’s odd is that everyone was saying his Achille’s heel is Romneycare, not wealth. Especially among Republicans.

Newt’s playing the Ralph Nader role this round. No, don’t ask me to explain that.

Ron Paul quickly follows his “we can’t depend on the government to take care of us cradle to grave” with “we can’t continue to be the policeman of the world” so that when the crowd breaks out in applause it’s impossible to tell if they’re applauding his implicit call to eliminate Social Security or his call for isolationism.

Oh, no, now Ron Paul’s going on about the gold standard.


I’ll explain it: Newt will say anything… anything to get elected.

By the way, you cheering kids, Ron Paul just came out against Social Security. Tell your grandparents!

Dr. Paul, when did America reach the peak of its greatness? And what policies were in place at the time?

When we were the richest country ever, Dr. Paul, was that after fiat currency was introduced in 1913?

@nojo: From Dr Evol’s perspective, our peak was probably the Dred Scott decision.

@Walking Still: I’ve trying to figure out a way to work in Cross of Gold.

Frothy Mix is presumably up next. He should quit, and clear the field for a very entertaining three-way. But he might stay in, hoping to clean up the mess when Newt collapses.

MSNBC: Frothy Mix ain’t quitting. Damn.


Ayn Rand bult a decades long career railing against Socialism and the welfare state all along smoking two packs of cigarettes a day while insisting that evidence linking smoking to lung cancer was a lie propagated by collectivist haters of Capitalism. When she inevitably came down with lung cancer, Rand relied on Medicare to help pay her medical bills after her accountant explained to her that attempting to pay for treatment on her own would bankrup her.

These kids cheering Ron Paul’s call to eliminate Social Security and Medicare will be singing a very different tune in 50 years when they’re eligible for the programs and realize that they haven’t saved nearly enough to pay for retirement and medical insurance in their autumn years. The rugged individualst of today will give way to an aged, frightened, helpless hypocrite demanding government assistance and insisting that he always favored Social Security and Medicare.

@nojo: If he collapses. That five million dollar bet doesn’t seem so foolish now.

@nojo: For Ronboy, wouldn’t that be a burning cross of gold?

Frothy tries to put lipstick on the pig.

My grandfather was a union organizer for lumber mills on the Oregon Coast. I’ll meet you grandpa-to-grandpa, Frothy.


Wonder how much Romney’s paying him to stay in?

@Serolf Divad: His speech reminds me of Huntsman’s ticket out of New Hampshire and into oblivion.

Newt Gingrich is going to massacre Romney in South Carolina isn’t he? It’s not even going to be close. It’s gonna be a blowout. They’ve got to be shitting bricks at camp Romney watching those results come in.

This country was built with Chinese labor and federal land grants for railroads, Tweety.

@Serolf Divad: 14-point lead at TPM. And “Cain” now has double the votes of Deranger Rick.

@Serolf Divad: Rachel just agreed with you about Frothy’s future funding.

Bret Baier tries give Frothy a long walk off a short pier. Megyn piles on. Did Rupert or Ailes send a memo?

@Serolf Divad: Florida is just around the corner. Yee-fucking-haw!

What Motown classic will Barack be crooning in Michelle’s ear tonight?

@nojo: AWE.some.

@Walking Still: Weren’t they piling on Newt back in December? I don’t pay close enough attention to recall.

@nojo: You’re right. Most of the ‘bots were swooning over Santorum. Rove was trying to be the grown up, but he was pimping Romney.

To quote Mr. Zimmerman, things have changed.

MSNBC chatter is running towards what Republicans will do to keep the House if Newt is the nominee. I’m reminded of Bob Dole giving up and focusing on Congressional races.

I’m also reminded of SNL’s 1998 post-election sketch: “What the hell happened?”

Other chatter: Frothy is now running for veep. But if he sinks in the primaries, I don’t see what value he brings to a ticket.

I’m sticking with Callista as the Great Gazoo.

@nojo: I agree. I think they’ll want something like a conservative Latina. RML has suggested his governor. All Santorum brings is “help” in Pennsyltucky. He did so well there when he ran for reelection.

Newt is being unusually magnaminous. This is disturbing.

Newt running against “elites” is like Mitt running against Wall Street.

Just think how radical Obama would be in a second term when he’s shown no sign of it in his first.

@nojo: He’s going for the front runner, above the fray stance. I think he won’t be able to maintain it. He needs to get down and dirty some more if he’s going to off Mittens.

Newt is running against the media, elites, and Saul Alinsky. Just so you know.

@nojo: Projecting an air of inevitability.

I projected Newt to go long from the beginning, but now I’m wondering whether that is a good thing or not. Just look at Nuce, and split screen him with Big Dog – Newt is running a Clinton 92 campaign, and that is very, very scary.

@Nabisco: It’s up to the Europeans. If they tank, so does Obama.

Them chimes, they’s a-ringing.

Newt’s much better at saying Mitt’s lines than Mitt is.

In case you’ve missed the past three years, Newt is packing every wingnut meme into a single speech.

Tony Perkins is now on MSNBC, explaining how evangelicals picked a loser.

“Cain”: 5,937
Perry: 2,336

Good enough for Colbert’s writers, I would think.

Will Frothy stay in the race? Will Paultard go 3rd party? Will Santa come down the chimney looking like Joe Mantiello? Will Palin enter? Will Trump declare?

I’m so very happy. So very very happy. I need to take off my shoes, strap on my assless chaps and leather jock and skip about the garden though we have 4 in of snow. The pugs might like it but I could get chilled which leads to shriveling. Instead, to make my point, I will drink vodka.

Here’s to you, Neuter. Give Cally Sue a big wet one from me. It’s all good.


@nojo: That speech hit every note every aggrieved white right winger believes and spouts out at every opportunity. It wasn’t even dog whistling. It was shoveling red meat down the hard right gullet.

@nojo: I liked his little side step. “I was only the spokesman. I haven’t endorsed anybody.”

@Benedick: Palin’s over.

@Nabisco: I’m not liking it either. An elite Washington insider running against elite Washington insiders coming in first shows that there’s a lot of goddam stupid people out there.

@nojo: That’s the NRA’s scare/fundraising pitch this year.

@Walking Still: Won’t be Martinez from New Mexico. Her grandfather rode with Pancho Villa and therefore was an enemy combatant. Her grandfather entered the US illegally and her father was an anchor baby. The only initiative she’s gotten through the legislature has been to grade public schools on an A-F scale.

Polling: Mormons aren’t Christian.

@nojo: Bravo. Once again you bring us through the valley of the shadow of pizza to joy.

Srsly. Last night. You score? Creative partner? You can tell me. Couple beers too many? Leading to tussles. Then stripping down for some light wrestling? It can happen so easily. Struggle for top? I hear you.

Rest up. He’ll get over it. The first time isn’t easy. You might want to buy him that Brokeback jacket Perry favored. Boys like stuff.

TJ/ Jonathon Richman and the Modern Lovers just made Jeopardy. I’m very happy.

I’m in love with the modern world.

@Benedick: Yes, Creative Partner. No, no score. Just many rounds of a smooth, syrupy specialty stout. Night ends with us listening to Todd Glass come out on Marc Maron’s podcast.

Romney loses 2 out of 3 primaries.

He’s turning into Paris Hilton before our eyes.

@Benedick: So where’s his sex tape?

I would have bet on Nuce for that.

sNoot’s pro-child slavery stance locked up the Confederate vote, no question.

This repulsive asshole’s got more back issues than National Geographic, and yet here we are.

It’s worth it to see Rumneebot 3000 humiliated again, tho. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Just got back from a day of Art. Turned on CNN to see Blitzer interviewing Piers Morgan — isn’t he in jail yet? Can’t wait for the Florida attaack ads.

@redmanlaw: Y’know, if I was an Aggrieved Wingnut, I’d probably prefer Unrestrained Id over something seemingly rational. Go down fighting.

@redmanlaw: Mormons aren’t Xtians, and Yankee Mormons are as good as Jews or Mooslems, is the take away from tonight’s primary.


Not so Confidential Plea to rptrcub: please, should we take up a collection now so that you and your folks the Rptrcub Srs. and Mr. Rptrcub and Rptrcub-M.I.L. can flee South Crackolina/Georgia/northern Florida NOW NOW NOW NOW fucking NOW run little Cubbie, run!?

@SanFranLefty: I’d be much obliged.

Our Serious Conversations (TM) have Portland as a possible destination at this point.

@nojo: Well, duh. Mittens is just minding Perfesser Noot’s admonition that guvimint doesn’t create jobs*, that’s what rich people are for.

*Except during Democratic administrations when jobs lost during Republican administrations must be replaced before the end of the Democrat’s first term.

@rptrcub: Dude – Take it from people I know who live there – “Portlandia” is a documentary.

@rptrcub: @redmanlaw: Hipsters can be annoying, but nothing like the KKKRazy confederates in SC/GA. Both our senators voted against the NDAA, and Wyden helped lead the fight against SOPA. Rain is a small price to pay. Besides, the Guardian just named it one of the 5 best places to live in the world:

@redmanlaw: Both my kids live there. One has a job!

CNN: Unhappiest places in US to work, No. 5 is Albuquerque.

Santa Fe, however, is great – if you have a decent job and income.

@Mistress Cynica: Rain is a small price to pay.

Multiply by forty years and get back to me.

@nojo: I suffered through 20 years of Oklahoma extreme heat, extreme cold, and extreme politics. That after a childhood in the humidity and stupidity of SC. My episodes of major depression have always occurred in July or August. A hot sun in a hard, pitiless, turquoise sky is far worse for me than gray and rain, especially accompanied by vast doses of green. I was made for the PNW.

Add a Comment
Please log in to post a comment